Empty Nest Support Services
Empty Nester, what do I want to be when I grow up...
By Anonymous Mom |I am an empty nester who loves being a mom. I don't love my career anymore and now I have to figure out "What DO I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP?"
Coping with the quiet house and no fussing over meals, and soccer games is a big hole for me. That is just part of the darkness. I was on committees at her school and did morning car pool when she was younger.
We watched old videos of her with Kleenex and popcorn tossed on the floor, right before her send off to college. HOW could this go so fast? I never thought about empty nest until she was a junior in high school. WOULDN'T have done me any good to plan ahead. I still can't plan to not cry. She is my only baby and there will be no more little girl twirling, singing old McDonald had a farm, calling my name everyday, bounding in for a quick bite and then off to practice, no friends dropping in for pizza or study groups, no Halloween costume changes, no school events to see those friends I too looked forward to hanging around with and talking about our kids....the automatic, belonging club of MOMHOOD.
To be honest, although, I could fake it and put on the brave , oh it is no big deal hat, I cried and cried when I drove away from her standing on the brick steps of her freshman dorm.. She didn't see me sobbing . I didn't see her blow me a kiss.
For weeks I had no energy or motivation to talk much or go out. I did work and do my have to list, but then I hid in bed, cried and wondered, if I should call her or wait for her to call me. I don't want to interfere in her new life, but gee, why doesn't she call or email me.
I let myself just be a slug . My exercise routine flattened .
My husband asked how I was doing and I told him I actually felt depressed. I was so surprised at feeling lonely for her and not having much energy or smiles. The build up of graduation, party at home, hugs and tears, and then the excitement and anxiety of moving her into the brick stone freshman dorm, ended and we were silenced from the emotions and the drain of the intensity and joy.
The let down was like a gutter ball down the narrow bowling alley. "THUD"
After about two months, I began walking, just to get out of myself.
My daughter and I talked about once a week and emailed.
My husband and I saw more movies than ever in our life. We tried playing monopoly after work and then switched to scrabble.
We meandered with no "zippety-do dah" and didn't have all the details of life to fill up time or fill up our conversations. So we got bored and after all this nothingness, we began to ask ourselves...NOW WHAT?
What about us...what do we want to do with our life? That was a big question that we answered with one plan..
We decided to take turns planning something to do for the weekend. Both of us liked taking a day drive to the beach, going for a walk, reading there and having lunch away from the silent house. That helped us slow down, and figure out our wish list from the inside out.
Don't know about my job, yet, making a list of possibilities.
Looking forward to parent's weekend and of course, not looking forward to the pain of goodbye, again. It will be fun to see her room and meet her new friends.
P.S. My friends thought it would be fun to remodel. absolutely not...too much work for us. My brother-in law said take a trip to Greece , too far away for now.
I think I will wait and see who I am and who my daughter is in her new independent first year away. I feel this pressure that I am suppose to dance into a new exciting romantic life with my husband and get going with my new free time. That is not me TODAY!
GOOD LUCK to all us empty nesters.
Signed,
ANONYMOUS MOM, but available to talk to others who are in the dark of this roller coaster!
I am a Mom of an only child. She turned 21 in December and has been living & studying in Spain for the past year. When she headed to college, 3 years ago, she told me specifically that "she wanted to learn her own way and gain more independence", so she purposely decided and told me she would not contact me or I was not to contact her, other than attending her swim/dive meets if I wanted to. It was a hard transition, but it was very good for both of us. We started connecting more after the first semester, although, the first semester she called me here-and-there to share her new experiences with her clubs, volunteer orgs., swim/dive team and sorority she joined. In addition, she had a new boyfriend. During that time and for over three years, I have been working through the empty nest syndrome. It's funny how you ask yourself the question, "What is it that I want to do when I grow up?" I kept mulling that over and over again in my mind. Luckily, I had some consulting work that kept me busy the first 2 years, and about 6 months later, an old acquaintance introduced me to the half2run.com club. Seeing that I was a runner, I thought, great idea, I'll join this to give me some goals to look forward to. I ended up achieving my running goal, running a half marathon in 25 states in 2 years.
Last year, I ended up getting a sprained ankle and was mending an injury, only doing 5 half marathons during the year, without much running, but a lot of traveling across country for work (which kept me occupied). In the meantime, I kept close ties with my daughter, who we muddled through how we communicated, adjusted as we found things didn't or would work for each of us along the way. In the meantime, I grew tremendously, learning to see my daughter as the responsible adult that she is, and appreciating the wonderful opportunity that God gave me to raise her for over 18 years at home. It was a gift!
I find now, that it is more of a gift now, as she shares her experiences, and I see life through her eyes. Our relationship has changed a lot, it took an open mind on my part and realization that I must be like clay, and shift, mold and get smashed, many ways throughout my adulthood, going forward.
Last year, second year with my daughter away, I decided to take an art class through the university and sign up for a writing and meditation retreat in the Colorado Mountains in late spring. I almost didn't go to the retreat, and almost backed out 3 times in the process, with tears in my eyes the 3rd time, forcing my way to my room. I made it, and these were the best things I ever did for myself.
- Just getting my art materials out and working my hands in the materials again, was something.
- I learned to take time for me and it was okay.
- I met and befriended a small handful of very good friends, coaches, mentors who have been instrumental in my transformation, supporting me on the peripherals without me asking or "thinking" I needed help. One friend, who is now my coach, went as far as reached out to me and offered to coach me free of charge. I said, sure, what the heck! She has been a pivotal part in the changes that I have made during this past year and a half.
- I learned that I can write creatively, I wrote a piece at the workshop, and people were crying as I read it. It made a very strong impact on many people in my group (myself included).
- I wrote my first draft (and illustrated) of my children's book, which I am still muddling through how to get it published with little or no money (or ways / opportunities still learning). It WILL happen, because the 8 year old that I read my piece to just LOVED it... It was a good way to get the temperature of customer feedback.
- I can go on and on, there are so many rich experiences gained by forcing myself to go outside my box.
In December, my consulting gig company, pretty much said there was no work, so in January, I took a cross-country trip to New Mexico, California and Nevada, to see these states, visit family and friends.
I arrived back home, and circumstances led me to kick off running a half marathon every weekend, starting in February in New Orleans. Helping me complete my half marathon in 25 states goal the first weekend of May. I wrote a press release of my experiences, lots of twists and a wonderful journey for me.
My daughter comes home from Spain in June, and I'm excited, but also worried about how I am going to adjust my life with her back in the states. Although, she will be working at an internship about 40 minutes away from our home, she also has gained and shared with me her wonderful learned perspectives, one of which is that she wants to spend time with the people who she cares about most, a small handful of friends and she mentions me and her dad. So, this is another thing for me to muddle through, because I am starting to really enjoy free and hobby my time (finally), but also enjoy my time with Staci. But, know it's also important to make the space available and not allow things to go back the way they were, with my daughter depending on me and us doing too much for her.
We'll work it through, but wanted to share this experience that is near and dear to my heart. And seems very similar to your story.
Thank you for sharing and cheers!
Thanks Anon. Mom (first entry) Your story helped me alot...I have two kids off to college and after the second left this year I have really been struggling with depression and 'what now' questions... the depression and the isolation has thrown me but I am trudging along...finding this site will serve me well I am sure!
Hi there. I'm from New Zealand. I have been a single Mum for most of my now 18 year old son's life. It required alot of devotion and so much more. Now he is so strong, independant, intelligent, and knows what he wants out of life. Everything I used to be when I left home at the tender age of 15/16. Now I feel like nothing could ever compare purpose wise to what I have been as my son's Mum. I have suffered from clinical depression & anxiety alot & been in & out of jobs as my health or my son's needs required. My dad passed away 3 years ago too & my Mum is elderly. I just feel numb and scared & really unsure of myself nowdays. I really relate to the "what do I do with myself now thing" and I agree that those flippant "get over it" and "its time for you now" comments so don't help. They only send me into more of a flurry of yeah who am I now, where did my self confidence go, what direction do I head in now? What would be as purposeful? I know this is a huge grief, but a necessary letting go. I would say from here on in its the "refrigerator stage of parenthood" if you get my drift. But yeah develop more hobbies etc vs a great personally meaningful life purpose to replace those voids? Where do I belong now? Who am I now? Who really needs me, (without using or taking advantage of me). So many questions they are overwhelming. It's like navigating tumultuous seas & never having ever driven a boat this size! Thanks for your site being here, it is really comforting to know I'm not the only one deeply feeling this "letting go" process.....I think it would be great if there was a place for us Mum's to go like a guidance counsellor that we used to have before we left school!!! but more catered towards empty nest Mums....or an Empty Nester's Ideas/Support Group...
I can relate totally with these stories. I have wonderful parents whom I try to see every week, 3 grown children and 4 grandchildren. My husband and I have a great marriage. But I feel empty and, after much thought and analyzingm, I think it's because my kids' lives are usually too busy to include me. They've all created their own niche (especially my 2 daughters daughters who work, are married and have children) and now have their own familiese which really don't need 'Mom' very often. I see friends who have a close relationship with their kids and close interaction and it makes me even more lonely. I tell myself all the time how blessed and lucky I am but I'm still very lonely. I try to create my own life and have many hobbies but usually it's just busy time. I sometimes wonder if going through menopause is contributing to these feelings.