I was doing fine with my children being out of the house. I don't know what triggered this loneliness and sadness.  One is married, the other is a sophomore in college, and one more is in grad school. 

I wonder if it is because I really haven't found a deep new meaningful passion.  I want that so much.  I am busy and still not really connected it seems.  Connected to clarity.  I think about moving and downsizing.  I think about a trip, as the clock ticks in my age numbers.  I think about relatives I don't see much and don't even know if I want to see them.

Health is good.  Normal issues I think.  I am not really in love.  I want that too.  Who thought I would be wondering and feeling all this now.  I thought when I got free time I would enjoy it. Seems I don't know how to do that very well.

Creature of habit gets in the way and the lack of vavoom.

I don't think there is a check sheet about this life now. I don't even want to live by a check sheet.  I don't think enough people talk about it, either.

All the books and movies and groups were when we were raising our children.  I will live a long healthy life so I want to find that passion and meaning for life, again.  Is it normal to lose it and then find it? 

How do you deal with the funk for so long?  I am good at problem solving quickly. No quickly here.

Well thanks for letting me write to you.
A Woman Wondering

I visit the message board.  Where are the DAD's?  We need each other.  My kids have changed me over the years and now that they will all be gone this summer, I feel sad, angry, and not sure who I am going to be in their lives.  Who am I going to be in my life?

What am I going to do without the school connection which was a big part of our social life?  Sure people say they will stay in touch, but that doesn't usually happen.  Great while we had it!

I just need to hear from other dad's because we aren't moms.  I know that sounds obvious.  I don't think I have to not whine or cry. I do think I need to work less and not escape at the office, but change takes time. 

I am open to this next stage of life, but what is it exactly?  This has been two years of uncertainty in the world and now my home is tilted. I think I am worn down a bit.

Where are the dad empty nesters?  Do you have communication issues with your children?  Are you clinging more than you did and wish you could stop yourself?   I read this and my answer is yes and yes.  I want to feel normal and I don't.   I want to not stress my kids because I am not coping well but how do I be me and still be dad? I just need to learn and talk to empty nester dads.

I don't expect my kids to get where I am. It is not their job. I know in time I will be fine. I just want something for now. I don't remember my parents going through this when I went off to college and grad school. My relationships in the family are great and my work is still exciting, but I feel this ending and I don't like it.

Thank goodness this site exists or I wouldn't find any place to hear about empty nest.
Doug

I have a partner, career, home, some savings.  I don't have a clue of how to not miss my kids.  I feel stuck because I don't want them on my mind , I don't not want to care about them and I don't know if I should call or they should set a time to call. Should I mentor kids?  Should I plan a trip for the holidays for all of us?  Should I what?

I tried some therapy but no connection for me there.  I need to find someone who has been in the empty nest. I just want time to not like this time of my life.  I want to tantrum like those kids of mine got to do.  I want some time back for the park, school fairs, sleep overs, soccer, shopping at the mall for the party dress, visiting colleges, funny words they would make up , loud music and cell phones being lost and mostly those cuddles in bed with a book and chopping salads in the kitchen.  Oh and the questions they would ask in the car, in their room...just those wonderful innocent questions about success, sex, dating, parties, the moon.

Will I remember them as little people?  Will I forget their high school teachers and school parent parties.  I think I will and that bothers me.  Will I be a grandparent before my aches and pains limit me?  Will they be good people in the world?  The world needs good , caring, responsible people. Oh, will I like their partner and in laws?  Will they live in a foreign country and I won't get to see them whenever I want to.  Oh no. That can not happen to me the mom.

Who can tell me what I will be when I grow up now?  I mean grow up into the non parenting days of my life?  We had this structure every day and night and weekends of activities and people and now we have silence, empty dates on the refrigerator.  We have five days with no telephone connections or emails . Five days. No calls, could be longer as they move more into their structured life.  I don't want to be one of those needy, naggy moms who just want to know how their children are doing.  Sounds so old.

How do I be a mom now when they are more adult?  I never thought of that question until now.  Sure, I know how to talk and listen to my children but I don't know for sure what to ask for, when to respond or step into their life rather than them stepping in for themselves.  That sounds ridiculous. I just don't know how to word it.  I don't know when to give money or not.  I don't know what to do if I don't like their dates that they bring for a visit when they do come home.  I don't know what is ok for me to ask for from them.  Oh I sound so little.  I am right now.  Where is my leader for parenting these children?

I need to bring out BRAVE ONE and just tell them I don't know what I don't know so help me out.  Share the conversation with them and see where it goes, I guess.  But I always felt like I had to know as the mother.  I don't know, now.  I need to talk with other moms whose of adult children , well that is what they are called , but really, they aren't adults. I am just suppose to say that and treat them that way.

College and the work world has taken them right where they wanted to go.  I forgot to figure out where I am supposed to go now.  I was just too happy and busy , most of the time, to think about that question. Anyhow, I would have been in my head only about that question.  My heart beats too and today it is off rhythm. 

Do you have any suggestions?

New mom as an empty nester.  Where is our play group?

Thanks,
Empty Mom

I miss my three kids.  I get started with a class or book group but that doesn't do it for me.  I like mothering.  Do you think it is crazy to be a Foster Parent?

My family thinks I need to give myself more time for just me.  What if mothering isn't something I want to give up? Most of my family has died.  Not my children of course but they for sure are growing up and don't need me the same way they use to need me.  College and marriage for them and visiting me when they can, but I want something that makes me feel needed and lets me give what I like giving.

I honestly don't think I am the kind of person who wants to start over with this whole re-invention talk, hobbies, travel, time for me.  I mean I do like having time with me. There is a lot of time on weekends and evenings for me.  I work part time and it is good but just work.

I am not a traveler. I go to see my kids or have a short get away, but I don't pine for that experience.  I am a home person.

I thought of volunteering in a pediatric ward but that could get depressing or working in a shelter but I want to mother again in my home.  I probably shouldn't be talking about this since no one really gets it and thinks I just don't want to move on and get a life.  I have my life.

I do feel judged by others.  I am learning not to let it affect me.

Have any of you thought about mothering in new ways?

Thanks,
Janice

A mistake I made and don't really feel badly about, is that I waited too long to start a creative project for a new business and then lost interest.  I waited over a year because I kept getting critical of myself. I wore myself out.

In a nutshell, I wait to make plans, to go on interviews, to have fun.  I don't want to wait anymore. I realized this is how I act so I decided to ask for help.  

I am not waiting anymore.  Sometimes I get red in the face because I am nervous or embarrassed but that is ok.  Sometimes I don't want to drive alone or come back in the dark, but I do.   Sometimes my partner and I don't want to do the same thing, so we don't.

In the beginning of empty nest, I waited to see if my kids wanted to have dinner or see a movie when they came home for a weekend.  Oh boy was that disappointing.  I don't expect that anymore and yet they usually have some meal with me because they want to, not have to.

I am just not sweating the small stuff like I did. I won't remember that drama when I am seventy so I plan to pick a life that I will remember.

I didn't have a great family growing up, but I am the grown up now.  I am a good mom and good person.  It sounds common to say, but for me, I am working on saying the good in life.  I am good and make plans for good things in my life.  Bad things will come in my window, but I am learning they aren't for always and I can handle them without being perfect.  Good enough is good enough.

I know this getting older thing and being an empty nester isn't just happening to me.  That helps me get unstuck.  I lost a community and had to start over. One friend is good enough. 

Thank you for allowing me this safe place to express.

Katherine

It is hard enough to love ourselves for the way we act and look without these childish labels. Yes I am older now. We all are.

My challenges aren't impossible. I get very lonely, sad, confused, and want to quite some days.   Show me the money so I can be freer!

My children are adults. Thank goodness. I have more time to hear myself and make choices for my weekends.  Yes, I deeply miss connecting with them and seeing their adorable faces, interesting talks, and energetic bounces through the house. I can't change that they are growing up. I can't make them call or come for holidays.  Who ever thought we as parents could have that power?  I did think that in the beginning of my life when they went to college.  I don't anymore.  I learned I had to live my life hour by hour and not expect from them.  Bonus if my phone or email had a message.

I dream of living in a walking community with people who are at a similar availability.  I want partnering and at the same time I am accepting solo time.  My life is too important to waste on disappointments.  Sure, I sob and tantrum but thank goodness I rise again.

I know people whose life has changed due to illness, pain and isolation with no answers, yet.  My pain is real when it emerges whether in my head, heart, or body.  I just keep gathering ways to cope.  I let myself collapse to a movie in bed when I have little hope.  I think one thing that catches me is friends who were there and aren't.  Love that seemed strong and isn't.  I have no answers for all that. I have no answers for why work, which I think is an honor and need, is so difficult to obtain, as we get older.

We hear do what you love. I think that, in the stage when children have left home, can be misleading.  Do anything.  In other countries people don't have as many choices to think and choose as we do.  Pick something to try.

Boomer, empty nester, we are people who want to share and sing. Becoming invisible needs a tailor.

Thank you for listening.

My image of family is time together. I can't shake that. Family is number one for me in terms of meaning in life.  I have tried every hobby and get away.

My conclusion is I like family. I don't want to adopt or do for other families. I want mine while we are all still well and able to be together.  I don't think moving near them is the answer because it feels too uncertain. Uncertain money wise and if it would still give me family time, if that isn't important to them.

We have had many talks about my feelings but no conclusions.

Does anyone have these feelings and how did you solve the situation?

Thanks for being here on this website of empty nesters.

Carrie

I feel done.  Done with cheering myself on that life is still so great.  Done with the list of goals for 2010 and of course, exercise like last year, is top on my list.  Done. Done. Done.

You know the truth for me, as Oprah would say, is that I am done doing the one role I never had to work at or make goals for and that is parenting.  Love it.  I don't want to be done. Yes, done with car pool and meetings and crying kids who need more attention. Done with staying up late to go and pick them up after a party. Done with their fever and stomach aches and OMG their homework support.  I am not done with hearing them on their phone or having their friends stand in the kitchen while I cook up a study group meal. I am not done with birthday parties and Halloween costumes.  I am not done simply knowing they are in the house.  But done it is.

They are in college. I am home. This back and forth roller coaster is difficult. I mean who am I when they are here and who am I when they are in college?

People say get over it. This is not really a problem.  People say find the peace. Find the gratitude of your life.  Pick new adventures and hobbies and causes to get involved with.

That doesn't work for me.  I miss my role and more than that, I miss seeing them grow up and up and up. I miss hearing them talk on and on as only that age of girls can do.  They are just vibrant and adventuresome and basically have all the time in the world.  I don't.

So truth is empty nest is empty. I am empty of their sound, ideas, and them needing me as much as they use to.  I am empty of their sweet sleeping faces.

Sure I am fine. Fine isn't enough right now. I truthfully know that the past was great as their mom and the future will still hold me as their mom but I will change. They will change and I don't have as much dream life time as I did. I don't have that feeling of forever their mom. Yep, they are growing up and my numbers are climbing the ladder.  Where did my years go and where am I headed without their schedule mixed with mine?  Could I plan a study abroad trip at my age of life?  Ha ha. 

Well thanks for listening to my emptiness today.  I know you get it.

Lisa

I am new to this online community. I feel safe already

.
I regret I didn't do more for myself when raising my family.  I was the good wife, pleaser, loyal friend and daughter.  I care take well and my children love that.

I am over it now. I worked but love of family was on my top list.  Now they are happy and out of the house.

Time for me to look ahead.  I don't have a lot of friends like I use to. My family is gone.  I am here.

I watch less TV so I don't get the blues of not having the house decorated, parties, right clothes to wear, shop shop shopping and oh aren't the holidays such a wonderful time for friends and family.  For some, yes.  No one wants to talk about the groups who don't have all that inspiration and gathering.

I am moving ahead. I make lists of what I will do when I am ready, like a book club at the house.

I cry and then get over myself.  I really have a good enough life. I can be happy so that is what I am wishing for.  New life with a friend, passions, and surprises that make me laugh. I want to use the talents I have and keep healthy in my mind and body.

Sometimes I wait too long to give to myself so I wrote a note in my bathroom, "Give to Lindsey today."

I have an anonymous mentor who is wonderful. I am not an alcoholic. I am a survivor of bad days.  I really wish for all of you that you find someone to help you when the blues trap you.

Happy life forward,
Lindsey

I am single, love my career, but mostly love my children.  They are on their way to being grownups.  All are in college. It is great.

I knew the day would come and got previews of emptiness when they were rarely home, but it is not the same as them being gone for months.

I actually feel embarrassed that sadness visits me.  It is not like I didn't have a life outside my children. I am athletic and social, not isolated.

I make a good living not rich but not poor. Work life is fulfilling.  Dating is good. Not being THE MOM or with THE MOMS from their high school, is a loss.  I like that community. I get so happy when my kids call.

Something is for sure missing in my life. I do ok with not thinking about my kids or calling too much but some days, I feel immobile with the life I have.

I want to change not feeling like my life is enough or I am enough or that mothering meant more than all the other parts of my life.

Does anyone else have these thoughts?  What helped to make the changes?

Thanks for letting me write to all of you.

Ellen

_________________________

"It a world where many people look at ageing as a negative it's truly refreshing to read Natalie's sage advice to empty nesters that life's glass can be half full not half empty".

Gill Walker
Managing Director
Evergreen Advertising & Marketing
Abbotsford ,VIC (Australia)

___________________________

"We were honored to have Natalie on the EZHelp, You and More Internet Radio Show.  Her contagious enthusiasm and subject knowledge provided us a very empowering interview.  I will always remember the "sticky fish" scenario."

BIG BOB
Host
EZHelp, You and More Show

__________________________________

"College students aren't the only ones to face transition when they back their bags and say "sayonara" to casa de mom and dad. The parents standing before the (finally) clean, but empty bedroom face transition too. Natalie Caine supports empty nesters through the joys and challenges that come with new parental roles, while empowering moms and dads across the nation to create their own "brave new world!"

Maria Pascucci
President & Founder
Campus Calm - where students speak out about grades, stress and personal well-being

_________________________________

"Natalie Caine has been the National Association of Baby Boomer Women's faithful Empty Nest Expert since the inception of our association in 2005. She continues to touch the hearts and souls of women and their spouses with her insightful knowledge regarding this heart wrenching, yet liberating time facing baby boomers nationwide. We appreciate her candor, wit and thoughtfulness when addressing this targeted audience. She is the sole expert who has dedicated her work to this critical passage of time."

Dotsie Bregel, Founder
National Association of Baby Boomer Women

__________________________

"Natalie truly understands the empty nest journey and continues to help me shift my mothering role and feed my dreams."

 
Linda Bergman, Bergman Entertainment.

_____________________________

"Natalie facilitated our support group with compassion and inspiration in learning how to shift and take a step in a new direction.  I wouldn't have made it through the journey without her."  Anita Atencio, mother, graphic artist

Natalie Caine has been with Boomer-Living.com for three years.  During that time, she has developed a large group of devoted readers who look forward to her monthly advice and tips to improve their lives.  Natalie's understanding of social change is remarkable.  Each of her articles is enlightening, informative and interesting to read."

Dr. Douglas H. Fitzgerald
President and Founder
Boomer-Living.com

__________________________

"I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you to Natalie Caine and her Empty Nest Support Services.

When I decided to take advantage of Natalie's articles in our boomer women section on Boomersforever.com web site I had know idea of the great response and interest I would receive from our numerous boomer readers. There is  a need for valuable information in this area Natalie writes about.

I think Natalie's article she wrote - Do You Know What You Want To Do? really reaches boomers who now face situations such as burn out, depression ,stress attacks and a general feeling of worthlessness. Not knowing what direction to go next, is a major problem for this growing generation. This article really helps create a positive attitude and give people ideas of what to do in there every day life. Great article Natalie!"

Howard Eva
Boomers Forever
info@boomersforever.com

I just came back from Family Weekend at my son's college.  It was like old and new times but I didn't realize until I got back home, that I didn't plan for the future.

Sure we plan finances, and house care, and vacations, and health resources, but nothing for empty nest. 

Why didn't we hear about this cycle of our life where so much is suddenly lost but not found as rapidly?

The books don't really address the unspoken issues of other loses and aging and what now Alfie?  They seem to list or tell stories, which are what I am doing now, but I just want to feel part of a group where it is little by little that I have the energy to start something new or not.

I think I am a little clouded by getting older and not liking those numbers on the cake. I am healthy and have friends and work.  I just want something and can't name it now.

I am still sad that those days of being mom are different and at the same time happy that he is happy and that I know I will find my new happy or new normal as they say.

I really want to have people to talk with who are in this change or have been in it but don't push me to volunteer or get over it.  I am not over whatever the IT is.

I do believe I will have a new day to day without being the mom and be happy in it. I have been through losses with my parents and sort of miss them today.  That is another story but today. I just wanted to write and see if other people relate to my words.

 I thank you for listening to my today story and thank you for offering a place to put it. I feel normal on your website.

Meredith