Empty Nest Support Services

It's Over

2012-04-23T23:10:07Z

I loved being a mom even in the bratty times. I loved being a partner. Now both have ended. Well, not the mom of me, but the everyday mom. They are in college. I work and feel creative there.

I just never thought I wouldn't have a happy marriage that lasts. I am a hard worker who doesn't quit on friendships or a marriage. I can take feedback and make changes. What I can't do is live the style of life he lives now.

I know the changes of my role with my kids will improve as I take time for me and simply listen more to them and not guide.

I want some support right now rather than my leading so many aspects of my life. I am tired. I stay positive by telling myself what is good in my life. Still, I need to be uplifted at times. My friends are great.

I know my partner and I don't really want the same life for the next five years, yet alone forever. I need to let go because the actions don't match the chatter.

I am realistic of the pain and all the details change will ask of me. We have tried everything for years to make the marriage better and it just isn't going to happen.

A cloudy day as helped my tears to fall. I don't have it all worked out. I am in the tears of goodbye for now. That is good enough, wouldn't you say?

Thanks for listening,
Ally

Will I Be Accepted?

2012-03-21T21:50:34Z

My son got into the college of his choice and we have been celebrating. Now I feel a huge relief. It sounds silly, but I had this thought of accepting that I am no longer the mom he needs daily. I have good and bad days about that.

I feel like I always have to be strong for my family. I of course cry about not seeing him daily come July. At the same time, I have a tiny smile about more free time for me. I am tired.

I can't really say much about accepting myself for who I am because I have been so busy for years that I just need to know who I am. Part of the not accepting that needs no thought is, I am getting older faster than I like.

Being a mom with kids in school makes me feel youthful. Without the kids at home, I am not sure how active I will be. I don't mean I will be sitting at home but more that I won't have the active energy to feed off of when the house was so full of kids and their friends.

I don't want to just run around so the day ends faster. I want to run into me.

Does anyone else feel like this? Thank you.

Jamie

Who Will I Be When He Goes to College?

2012-02-14T15:14:08Z

I am a mom. I am not an empty nester, yet. My son is going to college. I can't think about the returning, although it helps in the back of my mind. Today I know my son, my first baby, my only child, is living the dream of heading to college. I am proud of him. He worked hard. Slipped a bit on making the grade and then hit the study zone because he is a a child learning. He will be far away starting in August. Where will I be? I think the tears of goodbye are probably worse than how I will really feel. It has been this buildup of to do lists and applications and tests and grades and extra points and and... Yes, his responsibility but it spilled on me because I love him. I just feel at times that all is too fast for me now.

I am a good mother and he a good son, most of the time. We have had loud conflicts and those times I was ready to shut the door and say see ya. Will I say see ya in August? I doubt it. I will weep in pride and weep the gone days of morning and night at home together. He will come back. We will adjust to hello and goodbye. I will be older. He won't even be thinking about his age. This change is showing me I don't have forever, so I need to get on the horse and ride my dreams, now. What are my dreams? Mothering has taken my sleep, money, time, but mostly has given me the smiles of watching a life grow big and bigger and bigger. His life. What will mine be in August? I can't honestly feel into not having that mom routine. Not real, yet. Real when I weep that he won't be here. I might even like not watching the clock wondering if he is home, yet. I won't miss the days I drove him everywhere, but it seems those were some of our best connections. I won't miss the late nights. I won't miss, "where are my socks for the game?" Will I?

There has been parent competition, unspoken, of who gets into what college. How good and special are you really? Is my son better than yours? Is my daughter more in demand with scholarships than yours? Of course, no one says it, but you feel it at parent meetings or running into each other in the market. I actually thought of lying about his accolades, but that makes me small or does it make me wise? I won't miss the he said, she said, they have, we have. I will miss his friends. I wonder if I will stay in touch with the friends I have now or does that end? No more book club? I don't know.

I have so many stories about being a mom. I have none about emptiness ter. What a strange word for this change of life, empty nester. I don't like that word because of the trivial image of a nest and bird flying away. Parents are more than nests. Our children aren't birds.

Who will I be? I just hope I have someone to talk to and someone to say," you aren't losing it, I feel that too."

Katie

Am I Different?

2012-01-28T19:32:35Z

My situation is a little different in being an empty nester. My kids will never go to college because they learn differently and college isn't a match. Sometimes, I wish that were different, especially when I hear the news, see parents out and about with their kids, or go back and remember the first dreams of my being a mother, the things we would do and they might become. Different would help when I feel hurt by them or exhausted or alone.

I have been taught about reality and finding ways to take care of me and them. I love them more than I imagined. They taught me that, too. We are like a city in a city with lights on and off and new people meandering around wondering what's around the corner.

I am strong. I am sad. I am their mother. They won't be leaving home, nor will I. Still, my role as mommy changes, because they grow a year older, as do their hormones. I left the little ones who hold my hands, just like you. I look up to the taller ones and up and up.

Paula

I Am Different Now

2011-12-19T23:41:10Z

I stopped asking my friend questions. I know that sounds weird. A friend, longtime friend, said that I ask too many questions. I just couldn't get over that criticism.

I wanted her to know I care and thought questions are a way to care and to get to know someone better. It made the conversations more interesting rather than chit chat all the time. I didn't ask uncomfortable questions, like how is your sex life, which I wish were comfortable for her.

Women talk. We share. I realized I had more interesting conversations with strangers while waiting in line. I thought back and couldn't remember her asking me questions. She just talked. Hard to explain, but I get it. I am different now. I said goodbye to her and our years of friendship. Boy was that hard to do.

I just started feeling like I had to walk on egg shells with subjects that were off topic and I didn't like the lack of her asking me questions.

Friendships change but I mostly thought that happened through moving or job changes or even divorce.

I am so glad I came back to me. Now, it won't be hard if I do have to do it again.
My time is busy so I want to choose at this stage of life, people who are fun or at least. I am relaxed around them.

Have your friendships changed? Have you changed?

Thanks for listening.
Kari

Holidays Have Changed

2011-11-21T22:29:31Z

My family is answering new calls. I am ready to let go. Ready and don't like it. My kids are adults. I feel at times like the left overs. I do understand the past isn't the present traditions.

They love me that I know. Their story doesn't matter. For me, I am solo and made new plans this year. My kids have to do what they have to do with new relationships and I have to celebrate life in memories of them and phone call voices and new ideas.

Here is my plan this year. Chat with each child when we can on Thanksgiving. Serve at a soup kitchen downtown in the day. Evening, eat with a friend next door and share stories. Movie the next day.

When it is written it doesn't sound like much of a celebration. It is for me. I am free. I am safe. I am independent, healthy, and proud of the life I have lived. I don't fit the Hallmark image. Finally I fit my own image. I am a baker for fun and that shines during this season. I give it away because my fun is in the cooking and knocking on the door.

I wish there were more stories on TV of people changing holiday traditions as they live longer and accept families connect when they can.

I am grateful I make my happiness and health by waving away the negativity and applauding the good I have.

Meranda

I'm in a Transition

2011-08-23T23:37:06Z

It is not about children for me. It is about what do I want to do since I am sick of what I have been doing for a career. Successful, yes, but life is short and I want to try something else.

Have you had these thoughts, too?

I know the economy is challenging but I am a go getter. I don't want to volunteer since I have done that for years. I want more meaning and new friendships. Just like partners don't last, friendships need a break up too.

Where do you meet new friends? I don't golf.

I just am interested in what new careers some of you have explored and how did you begin? I thought of helping out for a day to see if I like that career.

I am an attorney. I thought of teaching.

Friendships seem scattered now. I want to add new connections and see if they grow into more meaningful friends at this time of my life. We don't have the same interests or giving to each other.

Have any of you gone through these changes with work and friendships? I love to travel but that won't do it for me as far as fulfillment.

Thank you,
Isabelle

Can't Stop Thinking about MY KIDS

2011-08-03T00:03:45Z

OK, so I should be planning what I am going to do when I come back home from dropping my daughter off in mid - August as a Freshman. I should. I don't. My list of what she needs and doesn't need to take, what to do for fun and more bonding before she leaves, relatives, bank account, health kit, travel details, keeps me happily busy.

When I write this I act as if I am the one going off to college. Crazy me. I am just deeply in the last hoorah of mother role. Yes, she could do all this. I want to do it and she isn't complaining, so far, except for plans to bond. She is into last minute choices not commitments a week out.

I don't blame her. I am just holding the door knob so tight with both of us in her room.

She is not my first to go. My son leaped a year ago. Weepy mom slobbered on my shirt so he wouldn't see me freaking out about GOODBYE baby boy.

I don't even know what I should and shouldn't be doing, let alone feeling. Honestly, I don't think I would care right now. I just have to do what I have to do until she yells at me or I collapse. Collapse is the goal because it is a sure sleep success.

Will you help me after I come back from the hug goodbye? Will you tell me this is how parents feel and I will be ok? Will you help me find something that I care about with my free time? Will you just keep her happy and safe? Oh, you don't do that do you? Well who does do that?

Keep in touch, ok? Swim and float with me when I get back home from her dorm.
Bye for now,

Mom on the verge of the biggest letting go she has ever been called to live.

Summer Before College

2011-07-13T23:12:27Z

My son is leaving in August and I am freaking out. Me, the mature parent who has a full life, but cries about his empty room. I just don't have people to talk with about this change. Of course, I will be his mom and see him on holidays, but I am no longer the go to for him. I no longer will chat in the kitchen about his day nor hear him with his friends in the yard.

We are so busy now but soon that silence will be too much. I work, am married, and am a go getter, but not feeling the energy of planning for this change.
All those years of parenting and being with other parents is shifting. I don't even know what my role with him is as he launches his adulthood.

Sure, I will enjoy the free time but not the non-connect. I am not asking him to call once a week. It is up to him. I just haven't found much support for this new time of life that is around the corner.

Thank goodness I found empty nest support services so I don't think I am nuts or alone on my new self-journey. I wonder who I will become?

So that's my story,
Ally

Graduation

2011-05-01T16:25:23Z

I know it is a celebration, big celebration. I just am afraid I will cry and draw too much attention to me. Crying is OK. It is his day.

I feel so shocked that he is leaving for college, college. We all are well educated and worker bees. I love being mom and think that will change when he leaves. I had no idea I would be tearful, weepy unexpectedly. I am mom more than worker bee. What will I be when his room empties and he isn't home for weeks and weeks. I have no idea.

All his friends, and teachers, and that life at school is closing. I sure complained about the after school games and hours of homework and of course, the driving which I won't miss. The spontaneous talks in the kitchen and the little and big decisions about camp or going to a friend's. Now they are his decisions.

What is mine? What in life is mine. I never thought about that before. This is the beginning of new thoughts. I hope I have a community to share with as I crawl on this new road.

Thanks for listening. His mom....

Spring Break and Empty Nest

2011-04-06T14:19:53Z

I can't believe my son did not come home for break. Of course, I said, sure go with your friends. I feel sad. I am in conflict with his choices and my still needing him around. That sounds so little of me.

But, I am mom, his mom. I just like his company and his friends. I have tried new activities and joined book groups to meet to new people. They aren't family. Often, my friends complain about their family. I do too, but today, I would love that family around.

So enough complaining. I am taking myself on a Spring Fling. Packing up my car and heading down the road to bed and breakfast since other people will be there.

I have no plans but to be in a new place for a couple of days. Feels good for now. I might get lonely at night, but it will pass. I just need more time to weep and try some new things before I feel ok. Thanks for listening.

Gloria

How Do I Find Me, Again?

2011-03-29T17:56:11Z

Thank goodness I found this website. I'm doing OK with my son off to college. I am not OK with figuring out what to do that will really make me satisfied.

I am in a top career world. Yes, I have made a difference by being in this career.

I want to leave the stress of it and the boredom. I want to teach and only work part time.

I just met with a financial advisor. It was worth the money. I say I want to teach but not sure at this stage of life if I want to go back to school. I really want to do my art.

Do you go through these uncertainties because of your age and money?

What did you change when you were an empty nester besides for their room?

Charlotte

I'm in the Spin Cycle

2011-02-16T01:56:17Z

Tossed without a softener, I feel my roughness.
Clasped by the drive to make something,
I need to open.
My age hasn't broken my creativity.
Who wants me, has.
Dried out from my own spinning, I answer.
I DO.
I CAN'T STOP
I AM AWAKENED by my passion.
If you view it, great.
I feel privileged to meet my passion.

By Anonymous

Changes

2011-01-23T17:39:06Z

I am scared. I need to leave my job. I called a friend and we walked. Sweet woman helped me see I did have choices. My fear was that I was trapped with no choices. Now I can move forward to leave. I will do my best, as always, while I am at the job. Using my sick days will allow me to meet with other companies and find a new fit.

I learned I needed just one person to be there for me. I can do this. Research is easy for me. Talking to people is easy. Going from what I know into what I don't know, isn't easy. What if I leave and the new job is worse? She reminded me, everyone has that fear, and again, I am not trapped. I can change again. I can do a lot of research and talk to people before I say yes to the new job.

I can be me and still take a chance that my choice won't be great. Some things aren't visible until you are sitting in the new chair, so no beating up on myself if I make a choice I don't like.

I can even talk with my new boss about giving the company what they want and letting me be me. Be communicative and remember it is a job, not the all of me.

So wish me luck and tell me if you ever changed jobs and what happened.

Thanks for listening,
Kara

It's About More Than Being Alone

2011-01-10T22:33:16Z

I expected the loneliness and the clear fact that I was going to be alone, but I never expected this unreasonable feeling of fear. After my son left this past August for his freshman year, I've felt like my mom-sense is on steroids. I'm worried about everything. Now I can't say worrying is new for me, but not at this level.

I've read a few stories that have been posted and I'm grateful to see I'm not the only one who is rambling around an empty house and feeling like an earthquake shifted my life off its axis. Right now I'm grateful to be writing this story, expressing these feelings and thoughts I've had for 4 months.

I'm a professional career woman who has been in charge of all decisions since my son was three, so I'm not a helpless sort. So why do I feel so helpless now? I know it's because I'm in my retirement from my main job as Mom. I'm ok with that if I could just stop worrying like I'm still on the clock.

It's nice to know I'm not truly alone.

JCShil