April 2006 Archives

Dan knows his son is leaving. He just got the acceptance to the college of his choice.

He knows all the right things to think and say, but he is feeling the pain.

We chatted on the phone and here are three things that we came up with to help his transition:

Do fathers and sons kick off by going camping?

Write your son a letter of the good times you have had and what you adore about him. Sprinkle in some wishes for his bright future!

Put it on the calendar that you will plan a bowling night with your buddies. Plan ahead for support and fun.

Be gentle with yourself. You have never been in this place and change is uncomfortable.

Keep practicing being present with yourself and your son. Leaping ahead loses the precious moments of hearing and seeing your child with joy when he walks in the room.

Remind yourself he is into his friends and that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Did you hang out with your parents when you were in high school?

Accept you will have sad, lonely days. It is normal.

Exercise even if it is just a walk around the block. Fresh air and moving can lift you a little and give you new perspective.

Know that you have done your job as his dad or he wouldn’t be able to fly.

Celebrate who you are. Dream about who you will become!

Stay connected with people who understand this major life change.

Freedom and joy are up the road for both of you

Kate is a single mom whose kids are learning the art of time management and how to never sleep. You got it! They are in college.

Kate is a single mom whose kids are learning the art of time management and how to never sleep. You got it! They are in college.

She wonders when she will get a call that isn’t about money or I don’t have plans for the weekend or better yet, the classes are so boring.

She put her phone on silent and left the office.

Kate had been carrying a magazine picture of the beach and a woman in short hair.

Today was her bold day.

She cut her hair to her ears and headed to buy new earrings.

Next stop, feet in the sand. When she called me, not only had she cut her hair, made footprints in the sand, Ms Responsible, played catch with the ocean waves and never felt the chill.

She wonders when she will get a call that isn’t about money or I don’t have plans for the weekend or better yet, the classes are so boring.

She put her phone on silent and left the office.

Kate had been carrying a magazine picture of the beach and a woman in short hair.

Today was her bold day.

She cut her hair to her ears and headed to buy new earrings.

Next stop, feet in the sand. When she called me, not only had she cut her hair, made footprints in the sand, Ms Responsible, played catch with the ocean waves and never felt the chill.

A girlfriend called and asked if we could go to lunch. She was feeling the Easter blues from not seeing her daughter since Christmas.

Lisa was the holiday happening mom. She had the egg hunt and the table where the little ones, including myself, had to dye and dot those cute eggs. We made our own baskets out of strawberry, green cartons.

Her brunch of quiches and fruit tarts and spring colored table settings launched us into the season of smiles. No more chills in the house. We were in the yard and seeing the blue skies, again.

We shared our stories of how our kids were doing. Mine, as you know, is studying abroad in Europe. Her daughter is on the east coast and home is on the west.

Letting go rolls on and on when you just want it to hit that stop sign already. Talking, tears, and laughter helped, but not having your kids home to share in the traditions of Easter baskets or chocolate matzos is a big OUCH.

Next plan…she is going to book a flight and see her daughter for a long weekend in June. Again, her precious girl won’t be home for the summer. Internship in public relations, grabbed her.

Grandchildren for the empty nester, what a great daydream!

I don’t spend much time thinking about that, but it sure does touch my heart and bring on a smile. At age 21, my daughter is far from that nesting.

If I were to have the joy of grandchildren, I would want things to do that mattered in building us closer together.

My idea would be to find an organization where we could volunteer.

I think kids today do give back. When they are in high school, some are required to do community service. My daughter was offered a scholarship from a college because of her community service where she educated people about AIDS.

Even in college, she has continued that frame of mind, to make a difference. Don’t get me wrong…she is no Mother Teresa nor am I!

But back to grandchildren, wouldn’t it be fun to plant a garden with your little grandchild in a neighborhood that needs that support. I even like the idea of us framing their art and donating it to a shelter or nursing home. They could pick up trash with me on the beach. We could read and illustrate the idea of a book we read to people in our neighborhood who are sick, like kids who broke their leg or had cancer and couldn’t go to school.

As spring is renewing me with its white daisies, tiny red rose buds, and purple lavender sprigs, I am dreaming about little ones who some day may come for the egg hunt or to find the crack in the matzos. I didn’t know I would be thinking about how I would do volunteer things with my grandchildren until I sat here with an empty page and let my thoughts show up.

In celebration of renewal and dreaming, I am off for my morning walk to see what’s in bloom. I bet I will see grandparents strolling their bundles of joy or walking side by side, singing the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout….

Grandchildren….may I be healthy and vital when that gift holds my hands!

Does it happen to you when you see people tear up and hug goodbye that you flash back to hugging your kid’s goodbye?

Ok, maybe that is just me. I have watched Katie in our bedroom, den, kitchen, and office. I hope she likes the changes I have made just as much as I have liked her hair changes over the years.

Seriously, I really did feel tearful hearing the words “I’m leaving the end of May,” and watching the wiping of her eyes and the big hugs and hand holding.

You might not believe this one, but it’s true. When my daughter was leaving for study abroad, and yes my chin is quivering right now and I am blinking over and over to clear my shield, she actually said the same words that Katie said to Matt today.

You know what Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz said to the scarecrow….I will miss you most of all. I will miss you most of all.

I just emailed that to my daughter. She is sleeping now because it is 5 am in her new European home.

I can’t go and peek in her room to see her peacefully asleep. I can’t stare at her sleeping face on her white pillow where every time I looked at her, I could still see baby Rachael, no matter how grown up she became. Do you still see that baby face when your children are sleeping?

My husband and I are planning for friends and food in front of the tv so we can shoot and shout together while watching the basketball game.

My daughter is studying abroad. She has forgotten that excitement of screaming and jumping up and down in the den, shouting, “Shoot , oh no, foul.”

I want to call her friends that are spread on the east and west coast that use to gather in our house for the sports events and say, “Hey, I miss you. Are you watching the game, tonight?” But I won’t call.

When I talked to her today about the UCLA/FLORIDA game she said,”Oh, so I need to book my flights for staying longer, mom.”

Another reminder to plan for experiences together when they are home and forget it when they have flown into a more exotic time of life, like study abroad.

I guess I was trying to capture the past. She won’t be watching the basketball tonight. Her junior year in college, abroad, has taken her to a different game.

For some of my friends, tonight is the pain of knowing the time on the clock is clicking down. It is the last time they will be watching the game with their kids, which passes them into the terrible other thoughts of THE LAST; birthday , fixing breakfast and packing lunches, and the lasts that just keep flashing on the screen.

Whether sitting in our emptiness or clinging to the last feathers, all of us share dreams for our children.

We dreamed before they were born about playing hide and seek, reading bedtime stories, playing baseball, singing in the car on road trips, holding onto the handle bars as they learned to bike, swim lessons, first crushes, first dances, first kisses, well, maybe those were more like nightmares, first concerts , hiking, jamming in the living room with those piercing repetitive sounds, bbq’s with the red and white checkered clothes and burnt smores, filled with grandparents, family and friends, gifts and singing happy birthday, as we clicked and videoed this thrill of parenthood.

Many of our dreams have come true. Some are still on the list. Some forced us to blow our noses and toss the kleenex in the trash.

I think all of us dream, whether in the light of championship or the dark of the unknown.

We dream that our kids will have real friends, bright imagination, courage to try, confidence to smile, desire to participate, and an inner world that they carry just for them.

We hope that we raise them well enough that we can set them free. Their leaving the nest shows us, we did a good job. Our kids have enough skills and self love to make it one little step, one little boo boo, at a time.

Cheer your team on tonight and jump up and down for being the kind of parent who cherishes their children and keeps dreams alive. For tonight those players, hopefully, will be savoring every moment of their game. And realizing this excitement doesn’t last forever, but the privilege to be there does.