Next week this web will offer a survey, a poll on the home page. What do you want to know or talk about with other parents?

-- How long the pain lasts (example: a month, on and off for a year, more than three years)?

-- How many are single parents?

-- How often do you talk to your kids? Daily, Emails, Cell phone, weekly?

-- Why did they leave home? Work, College, Marriage, Serve our country?

-- How many children do you have- daughters and sons?

-- How do you comfort yourself - eat in bed, watch TV, cry, talk to yourself

-- Where have you met a new friend - gym, coffee shop, bookstore?

These are just examples. You can suggest the funny part of life and the tearful, the joys and the challenges that you want to know about.

Just add your comments here or send an email. natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Thanks for taking your time to think about this.

Natalie

Posted by Natalie Caine at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Sitting outside in the comfy star held night with three women from the east coast conference, the topic was confusion about how to connect with new people since there is so much summertime playful energy.

One woman said it so well. “If my friend Samantha were on a desert, she would be the one person to make a new friend.” She is the extender and extrovert.

Who thought we would feel awkward saying hello to a person we don’t know at this stage of life?

Some days we need the push and we only have ourselves there to say, “GO OUT” THEY AREN'T GOING TO SHOW UP IN YOUR KITCHEN”

Tennis lessons, poetry readings, swimming, coffee shop in the morning and stroll downtown at night. Start small, make a list, check it off that you did extend yourself whether you have a partner or not. Newness energizes your brain and joy level.

Let’s share here how we do meet new people. Happy smiles that you pass on in the grocery store, bookstore, craft shops, bike store, yoga class, travel section, beach, lake, movies.

Natalie

Posted by Natalie Caine at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

In my group, at the conference, men and women who are empty nesters and planning for the empty nest have heard: HOW DARE YOU CALL IT GRIEVING___LOSS? No one died. You are so dramatic. You are overly sensitive. You don’t need a group, you need a life. Go volunteer and do something for someone else…stop that whining. Your kids don’t want to hear your sniffles.

I hear these stories over and over from parents who call me and from ones I meet in the market that are hurting. They feel they are crazy or shouldn’t feel that way when it comes to talking about those feelings.

Criticism seems to be a quick response to an uncomfortable sharing moment. Criticism controls vulnerability and pumps up false power.

Learning to be present with what is real for someone else, even if you don’t agree, is a skill to learn. What is real for you, IS real. They don’t have to agree with you. You know you and you know what you need.

Nineteen women and I were talking on the lawn and we all agreed that until someone has that feeling, they can’t know or until they are in touch with vulnerability they can’t really be present with you. They aren’t your support group. Go find someone who is compassionate and present.

What does criticism do? Does it teach you anything? What do you do when your inner critic attacks you?

I am learning to be present when attacked. I say, “Ouch, that hurt.” “This is my experience and my feelings are real.” “You could tell me in another way rather than attack me. Who made you the authority of my life?”

Each situation is different depending on how my day is going and how often I have been criticized…had my buttons punched. Sometimes the teacher in me comes out and I do that teaching talk I do…”you know, it is a real loss when our kids leave and it is a time of deep change…an ending of what we knew and loved…a time of discovering new parts of ourselves, and honoring new parts of our kids,, but the point is, WE HAVE NEVER BEEN AT THIS STAGE OF OUR LIFE. We know there are joys and challenges and that each parent experiences it differently. Our school community and social life there is over and our daily routine drastically changes. We are proud and happy for our kids. We miss hearing them laugh at home. Pets don’t laugh.”

THE CRITIC ATTACK, what have you heard and how do you deal with that jab?

Take care,

Natalie

Posted by Natalie Caine at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Have you laughed at yourself in reflection of some of the things you did on the way to emptying the nest and while in it?

Last night, one woman said that it was not so funny, but after carrying the shipped boxes, shopping for more dorm supplies, meeting parents, college kids and navigating a new city as well as THE dreaded good bye, she knew she was sad, but handling the feelings that emerged, until BANG, She backed into a grey pole trying to leave the dorm for the airport. She said she felt so stupid.

Another parent talked about the bib she pound for pound layered by eating all night in bed. She had stains on her night shirt of peanut butter with chocolate, potato chips with ranch dressing and salted, buttered popcorn

In her blue suit, a woman said she was at the podium to speak in her corporate world . Her cell phone went off. She looked and it was her son. She took the call right there, completely forgetting where she was.

A dad told me he emailed his son every morning and not little hellos but long emails of questions starting with, ARE YOU.... until his son called him , left a LOUD message and said "dad ,maybe you need to see a psychiatrist for meds. "

Do you have a funny thing you did on the way to goodbyes or after sitting in the silent house?

Branching out to you,

Natalie

Posted by Natalie Caine at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I don�t think I do, but I never say never. Who knows what future situation I will choose?

I do the inner talk that goes something like this�You will be OK. You can always leave. Everyone else feels uncomfortable, too. You have been in new situations more times than you could count and you survived. Better to risk and have fun than to eat wheat thins in bed.

I have been a loser and a winner. I have had dreams not come true and others that I couldn�t have rubbed into a genie bottle because the dream was bigger than my big brown eyes.

Summer is fresh and playful. I remind myself to swim, sit outside, go to outdoor concerts, play volleyball by the lake, walk for an hour, eat outside, and bathe in the long awaited summertime fun by kicking it up and getting out of my routine.

Mothering goes on and in the new identity and my daughter�s moving on up into senior college year; my best sunscreen is listening, listening, listening, and not sweating the small stuff I wish she would do. She leads calling. First, I decide how my day will be. If I really miss her, I call and let her know I�d love some time with her. Flexibility is my after soother. If she changes her plans, which it seems so many of them do, I don�t make a deal out of it. I almost figure that will happen. If, again, it is really important to me that she not change the plan that I am counting on her then I say that.

I have heard from mothers who tell me they get scared by their kid�s jabs and jolts. We reframed the word scared into hurt. They told them it hurts when they��Don�t treat me that way.

Simply put, we are the background of their stage. Time for us to be the star of our own movie and decide who and what is in the background of our performance!

I welcome all of us to play this summer and keep speaking our truth!

PS I hope to read under a Sycamore tree by a full pond later today and watch the ducks cross the road before I go to my evening event!

Happy playtime, Natalie

Posted by Natalie Caine at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)