You canít imagine the surprise of anxiety and flooding tears I have had this week and last and probably the week before. I am preparing my only child for college, but in reality, I am preparing myself for missing her and for the NOW WHAT of my new life.
There is no way a year ago that I would have seen myself in this depression of flatness and blankness.. I just donít want to do my life as I use to. I stare and sit. Who is that woman sitting on the sofa? I rarely sat unless I was researching on the computer or having long talks with my family in the green colored den or laughing with wine and curried chicken dinner parties.
I am a wife, mom, career woman, friend, daughter, sister and aunt. I had a full life. Now I feel like the little engine that stalled. She hasnít even left yet. Molly leaves next week.
Sure I am busy with the checklist and details of packing her up, as well as listening to her fears and excitement, but I am not doing anything else. My husband doesnít really understand my quietness and sitting pose when Molly is off with her friends.
It doesnít matter right now if he gets me or not. I donít get me. I just donít let Molly see this part of me. I am not her problem. We are proud of her and know she is prepared for this independence and adventure.
People who know me canít believe I am lethargic and quiet. They think I should be exited about my free time and dream list. Iím not. My only precious cargo is being shipped across the country and I will return empty of her laughter and her shouting, ďMom, letís walk to Arties for coffee and breakfast.Ē
It is crazy but I feel left. Sheís a daughter, not a lover. I am embarrassed writing those words. She out grew me. Ridiculous talk, but that is sort of how it feels. Empty of a person I have watched walk her walk and talk her talk. I will still be her mom. I get that,
I am just not going to be the same nor is she.
I will keep you posted and thanks for listening. I need you and you get that.
PS. Thanks for the funny Kleenex and Kleenex holder. You are my light on this gravel road.
Keep holding me,
This is a hand written note I wanted to share with all of you today. May we hold each other in the waves and kisses goodbye. Natalie