August 2006 Archives

You can’t imagine the surprise of anxiety and flooding tears I have had this week and last and probably the week before. I am preparing my only child for college, but in reality, I am preparing myself for missing her and for the NOW WHAT of my new life.

There is no way a year ago that I would have seen myself in this depression of flatness and blankness.. I just don’t want to do my life as I use to. I stare and sit. Who is that woman sitting on the sofa? I rarely sat unless I was researching on the computer or having long talks with my family in the green colored den or laughing with wine and curried chicken dinner parties.

I am a wife, mom, career woman, friend, daughter, sister and aunt. I had a full life. Now I feel like the little engine that stalled. She hasn’t even left yet. Molly leaves next week.

Sure I am busy with the checklist and details of packing her up, as well as listening to her fears and excitement, but I am not doing anything else. My husband doesn’t really understand my quietness and sitting pose when Molly is off with her friends.

It doesn’t matter right now if he gets me or not. I don’t get me. I just don’t let Molly see this part of me. I am not her problem. We are proud of her and know she is prepared for this independence and adventure.

People who know me can’t believe I am lethargic and quiet. They think I should be exited about my free time and dream list. I’m not. My only precious cargo is being shipped across the country and I will return empty of her laughter and her shouting, “Mom, let’s walk to Arties for coffee and breakfast.”

It is crazy but I feel left. She’s a daughter, not a lover. I am embarrassed writing those words. She out grew me. Ridiculous talk, but that is sort of how it feels. Empty of a person I have watched walk her walk and talk her talk. I will still be her mom. I get that,

I am just not going to be the same nor is she.

I will keep you posted and thanks for listening. I need you and you get that.

PS. Thanks for the funny Kleenex and Kleenex holder. You are my light on this gravel road.

Keep holding me,
Samantha

This is a hand written note I wanted to share with all of you today. May we hold each other in the waves and kisses goodbye. Natalie

A mom called me and said it so clearly, “I want more time with him than he does with me, but I didn’t want to hang with my mom either so I remind myself that this is how it is.”

I know he loves me and all that mushy stuff. I just realized last night, after cleaning the kitchen and hearing him shooting hoops with his buddies in the driveway that I don’t want more time with me. I like how my time was.”

Isn’t that the truth! . She has had him home for the summer. He is returning to college and she said she is returning to her dad being sick, her feeling down, her aging, and not excited about any projects. She works.

What comes up is change. Initiating anything when you are not clear what you want and you are feeling a bit down because they left means you just need some time to be nurtured. Make a list before they go of what will help comfort you, and connect you deeper with yourself.

Maybe we can share ideas here with what we wrote on our list. Take good care, Natalie

Honestly, I was surprised to meet my shy, awkward self at 56. There are days when I am out of my routine. I question, who am I? My friends have known me a long time so they understand when the inner doubter emerges, as does my husband. “That is ok. Be sure to do something relaxing and fun for you.”

Doubt doesn’t discredit the strength in me, but as I leap further out of my routine, like traveling on my own, learning the layout of a city, being with new people and no old coat rack, so to speak to rest on, I get lonely and doubtful. I am gathering new skills and being with a new group, I wonder.” What am I doing?” I have done this before but that doesn’t matter when my doubter sticks out in front of me and trips me up!

Full time parenting gave me a schedule and community along with my work day, my husband, and home responsibilities. I was needed in a deep purpose of life. I felt that I was teaching my daughter and comforting her and cheering for her,” you did it, go get um, girl.” Sometimes, I need a cheer leader. Changes happened as she grew into new stages of her life, but those challenging changes were part of a community and ones I saw and heard about. Empty nest isn’t that visible or chatted about on the streets or work or anywhere. Empty nest is part of the doubter and awkwardness.

I see parents lifting their little ones on the see saw, walking with them down the street hand in hand, sitting on park benches with ice cream cones. Young ones look at their mom’s and dad’s with wonderment and attention.

Older ones listen and want to hear what we have to say if we talk about them, not so much about us or for heaven sakes pass on some life lesson. Eyes roll then and don’t land in a smiling place. They do like to hear stories about their childhood so when in doubt about connecting, try that communication. I feel awkward in my new role as mom to her as she too is new being an adult child. I am not always awkward with her but when there is that one time, it can feel like always. Change my perception and lighten up, that is what I say to myself. I think I am just missing our old bonding.

If you see parents with their adult kids, they are connected but the attachment has physical space between them. Adult children are walking in their own space, having internal chatter, and multitasking, like being on the cell phone and drinking iced coffee.

Watch adult children with their parents and let me know what you hear and see. Be an observer as you stroll through your day.. Let me know what surprised you. It is fun to be the scientist! Gossip might show up but that’s a behavior too, isn’t it?
Natalie