I still don’t like those words empty nester. It makes me feel old and sounds so trite, but I haven’t made time to think of a new word. Have any of you? Well, back to Halloween, 2006.

I am feeling the memories of my now 21 year old, college daughter, who dressed up as a pumpkin, bride, waitress, witch, pirate, fairy, and traveler. So, I saw her on line and asked, “What are you going to be this Halloween?” “I am gluing fall leaves on a white slip and going as FALL,” she wrote.

I smiled at the creative idea and said, “Hope I get to see a picture of you.”
My neighborhood is covered in graves, webs, pumpkins, witches and bats. I didn’t buy candy, yet, because I will eat it. I wonder how many trick or treaters we will have this year? Don’t you hate that it gets dark so early!

My witch and pumpkin are outside. I used to fill orange, paper bag, lanterns with cat litter to hold the white candle inside. They lit the walkway to the front door. That feels like too much work this year.

I wonder if I will feel misty when the costumed kids ring the bell tomorrow night. I love their little voices, some sounding so shy and others loudly proclaiming, “trick or treat.” The proud parents with their digital cameras stand in the background, saying, ”That’s enough, Ben, leave some for the other kids. Say thank you.”

Well tomorrow is Halloween. It’s me and Sophie cat. My husband is out of town. My neighbor asked if I wanted to walk with her and her kids, but frankly, I am happy to just open the door and see the little ones in their costumes and drop treats in their bags.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Natalie

Posted by Natalie Caine at 06:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I am curious about what sacrifices you made over the years of parenting. For sure, sleep and money would be on my list. I don’t spend time thinking about sacrifices, but when my friends and I were out for wine and dinner last night, they posed the question.

It was actually a good idea to visit those memories and feelings. Unanimously it was money. Saying no to the dear ones showed up after the checks were written. Saying yes to me time was another late bloomer.

All of us, except for one mom, have good communication with their kids. That is a story for another time….acceptance of what is and blaming is about all I can say for now. The women didn’t feel they ignored their husbands.

Two are single, but not because of being moms.

What sacrifices did you make? Post your comments or email me: natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Do something just for you today, like a bath, using the whole bottle of sea salts with lavender scent.
Natalie

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My daughter’s friend instant messaged me asking if I could mentor her in the area of how to talk to her mom so her mom would listen. She is a senior in college. Her mom has a career and is divorced. The daughter is an only child and we will name her Ann.

Ann’s complaints are:
1. She calls too much.
2. She wants me to plan too far ahead like Christmas vacation with her.
3. She yells at me on the cell phone about getting a job when I graduate in June.
4. She wants me to listen to her talk about her job.
5. She asks me questions about my dating life that I don’t want to share.

Ann is a top notch student and friend who has always worked in the summers and thanked her mom for all she does for her.
Here is the strategy Ann wants to try:

1. Reflecting her mom’s feelings of wanting to talk because she misses her and loves her.

2. Letting her mom know how much she feels loved and cared for by her no matter what.

3. Telling her mom she understands this is a huge transition for her not having the same relationship she had with her even a year ago because she is more independent now and really working on making her own choices as well as living with those consequences as a 21 year old woman.

4. Asking her mom what support she could find at home because she feels her mom is lonely and uncertain about her future.

5. Holding the boundary that she has her privacy about dating and will not be sharing all the interactions and experiences she is having in her social life.

6. Letting her mom know she doesn’t want to plan months ahead, like vacations because she might go home with a friend from college and also have some time at home. She has a three week break. Empathy again, with her mom who wants something to look forward to but that she has to build her own life as does her mom. It is not easy, but required in order to grow up and let go.

I shared with Ann that one of my problems with communication is I say too much to explain myself. I need to remember, like when my child was younger, that fewer words are better unless they ask for an explanation. Another reason I keep talking is I just want the connection. I don’t want them to say they have to go now. Maybe that is where the drama we all get into stems from…a need for attention and to stay connected.

Well, I think sometimes we are all just trying to stay on some visible road and not fall in a dark hole of loss.

Remember that book about Harold and the Purple Crayon? I need to find it and read it, again. I am not sure why that book came to mind right now. I probably need a little playfulness and humor.

Natalie

Posted by Natalie Caine at 08:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I remember the excitement and stress of Rachael heading towards college when she was a senior in high school. SAT, college application deadlines, the essay, college tour planning, finances, hours for community service, fears of rejection, and clueless thoughts about which college was the right fit for her. Rachael found the fit and is a happy senior in the college of her choice.

The emotional roller coast came to town when she was in high school. Our household and the parents and friends we had as a community were living the last fill in the blank, soccer game, etc. and the jumping up and down or deep cries of ,”I got in.” “I didn’t get in.”

Honestly, it is a big deal year. I believe there is a fit for every student whether they choose to leap into college, take time off, or explore if college is the right choice for them.

Now my daughter is asking herself what is next for her when she graduates college in May, 2007. Does she want grad school? What does she want to be when she grows up? Someone, anyone, bring an answer ASAP, she will say to me. She tears over the last singing performance and other lasts which are part of her senior year. Loss and transitions again are apart of life. We won’t like those changes, but for sure we can say to each other, “I know what you mean about endings and beginnings. They suck.”

I believe she is doing the steps of questioning, feeling her feelings and getting help from college resources; career office, talking to alumni, professors, researching, and day to day doing the list of requirements in her photography internship and classes. Sleep and eating are never on her follow through list. Friends are and sometimes until three in the morning.

The journey continues of making a realistic plan and checking it twice. I don’t need to rev up or be dramatic to feel alive or important. Waste of energy.

Top reminder on my to do list: laughing, treating myself with kindness, getting sleep, eating healthy food, and taking a 20 minute walk, (step outside from work) closing my eyes to drop into a fifteen minute meditation at the end of my day, being present in the moment, making time for the people I love, and having fun. Do I follow through everyday? Absolutely not, but my intentions are good!

Hats off to our intentions and the ability to make course corrections quicker! We know what our kids are “trying to get into.” What are you hoping “to get into”; besides those jeans you wore last year?

Take good care,
Natalie

Posted by Natalie Caine at 02:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It has been a week of bitter news so I thought I would warm it up a little.

How I start my day? My new habit is to light a pumpkin spice candle that sits in a jar in our bathroom. My fear of forgetting to blow it out is covered by a post it I leave in my car, “candle.”

Cold and grey mornings hovered by silence might be misty eyed for some empty nesters. I plan ahead for those mornings by getting something ready the night before.

I put my green 3 lb. weights by my computer, tuck my wool socks under my pillow and leave my navy college sweatshirt at the foot of my bed. In the morning after I check emails, drink my black coffee, and kiss my hubby goodbye, I watch the news and stretch and lift. I use to do the treadmill, but I need a change. I wonder how long this new idea will stick.

My orange, yellow and brown stripped table cloth comes out of the hall closet and covers my kitchen table. When I step outside in my beige slippers to get the morning papers, I pick up fall leaves from the driveway, which are scarce on the west coast. I toss them on the table cloth. Today I will get some honey crisp apples when I go to the market to get the ingredients I need to make green apples squash soup with leeks. It’s Friday and we are usually too tired to go out. Cooking relaxes me so warming up with squash -leek soups and turkey stews comforts us along with the sweet smell of cinnamon, nutmeg, baked apples, Macintosh. We watch a drama video, sip red wine, and hope the firewood we light won’t be stinky which happened last season.

We want to take a day drive this weekend to hunt for fall leaves, but we have the plumber and repair guys for the refrigerator and dishwasher. Hope they show up on time and so we can get out into autumn. Long sleeve blue shirts, zip up sweat shirts, and jeans, Black Eyed Peas singing and the crunch of red apples will head us into the mountains to collect fall leaves for the tables.

What warms you up in Fall?

Branching out to you,
Natalie

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