A mom sat in my office sobbing. She talked about the change in the family with no children at home. She remembers the fight the week before her son left for college and how painful the words stuck in her gut. “I can’t wait to leave and get away from you, mom. You are so controlling”

In four weeks he is heading into sophomore year and her anxiety is rising. She realizes the mean words he said last year were fueled by the tension of change. She fears it again. They have a good growing relationship.

After a follow up phone consultation, Meredith practiced focusing on her life and not his. She wrote in her journal using starter questions like what people have told her she is good at, what she enjoys doing, what enlivens her, what frightens her , what she grieves about.

No surprise that the most revealing and freeing outcome came from her crying about what she doesn’t have in her life that she thought she would have by now. She bravely grieved and realized how much feeling losses scares her. I can relate to that experience and frankly who can’t. We just don’t like entering the well of tears in part because we fear being trapped there with no solutions.

Crying, an intimate time with self, surprises and unsticks me like a summer rain.

Posted by Natalie Caine at 02:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Right now parents are heading to college orientations and sadly counting the days until they hug goodbye at the dorm. Others are preparing for weddings, grandchildren, children leaving for grad school, jobs, and the service. Some parents are realizing they won’t see their precious ones even at the holidays.

We had a sweet talk about love in our empty nest groups and what we realized is a part of us wished we weren’t so sensitive and in touch with our feelings so we could not hurt when they leave and the other part of us realized that it is in the loving that we learn to be in the grieving.

There is no shame. There is no need to hide tears because each drop is a feeling of how we love and how we have been loved.

When the days are too quiet and we feel we don’t have a purpose, we cry. Hopefully we have someone to talk with who misses someone they love or we have someone who can be empathetic and not ask us to be strong.

One mom said she feels the tears but they don’t fall and she wishes they would. We told her to rent BEACHES or THE WAY WE WERE, anything to warm the water. Other mothers said they can’t seem to turn off the water and we suggested get outside or when inside crank up dance music, like FOOTLOOSE, and shift the energy if you really think you have to stop the tears.

I hear over and over again how surprised parents are at the fear that arises and tears before they leave…this is the last….or what if ….. Then comes the deep sadness when they are home and the children are gone. “I just didn’t have any idea empty nest was such a roller coaster. How come people don’t get that this really is a loss?”

We could all make a list here of the comments people have said to us when we were sad before and then after they left One of my favorites was,” oh come on now…they didn’t die. NOW just get on with your life.”

I think we are awkward with crying and with grieving and for sure empty nest hasn’t been a category for grieving, but it is coming into the light more as a real change in life. Change can be scary ,lonely, and bring up past losses as well as fears about now what … who am I these days…...the questioning like, WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT, ALFIE?

We can honor our private joys and sorrows and some we can choose to share.

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Last week our group was concerned about how teenagers are growing up. They know the struggles and joys they had with their kids.

Not invited to parties, teased, feeling fat and ugly, sarcastic, shut down emotionally, over-eating, moody, getting into college, perfectionism, lack of sleep, coloring their hair, body piercing , tattoos, boyfriends and girlfriends who weren’t the best influence, spending too much money, not calling to check in was a list of remembrances that kept the parents up at night .

In my Empty Nest support groups, we reflect on raising our teenagers. During my research, I discovered www.WeBelieveinGirls.com. The site is easy to navigate and showed me that others face the same challenges.

We all realized we talked too much, gave too many ideas, and interfered when their friends were over. We were dashing around and not really present at times. So what! We can course correct, admit mistakes, ask what they need, and show that relationships change. At times with troubled behaviors we were walking on eggshells and felt awkward and lost. We are still practicing communicate and negotiating skills. Bottom line is we are motivated to learn how to be more loving and how to let love in.

Maria said she felt her role as a mom was to be a good role model but she fell short talking about food and dieting with words like, “do you think I look fat in this. I shouldn’t have eaten that bread. I have to exercise more.” Looking back it would have been better if she didn’t engage her kids in how she looked or the stresses she had about her own body image. She needed to talk with a therapist or friend. Her kids tuned her out and also felt they had to sneak and that they never looked good enough. . Marie’s daughter told her after freshman year at college that she got the message…if you aren’t thin and attractive no one will love you.”

I believe parents do the best they can and often are so overworked and scheduled that they don’t make time to learn new ways. Thank goodness for forgiveness and truth which is it is never to late. Controlling and being a perfectionist kills vulnerability which keeps us in our heads and out of our hearts.

What do teenagers need:

1. Be present and listen. Don’t over talk the subject and stay relaxed.

2. Be motivated by the fact that what you do they see and absorb

3. Empower them to make choices by saying when they ask you questions, “What would you do? I think you have good ideas.”

4. Name the behavior and let them make the interpretation…you were late last night and I didn’t get a call from you.

5. I read your writing and it made me smile. Do you like writing? That communication gives them a specific compliment and expands your connection with them so they can think and know you are interested in them

6. Let them know you make mistakes and how you handle it: “I cancelled walking with Allison and I have done that too many times. Now I need to call her, apologize and see if I can pick her up Tuesday to walk.” You can share these short stories while you are cooking or in the car..

7. Go in their room and say goodnight with a positive feeling not beaming ahead to tomorrow or recapping the day…Keep it simple and sweet. present moment I love you.

We all realized we talked too much, gave too many ideas, let things go when we needed to keep our foot on the gas pedal even if we didn’t like confrontation and we interfered when their friends were over.

We were dashing around and not really present at times. So what! We can course correct, admit mistakes, ask what they need, and show that relationships change. At times with destructive behaviors we ended up walking on eggshells and felt awkward and lost.

As parents we need to remind ourselves we are human and learning communication and negotiating skills as well as holding boundaries without being punitive and critical. Bottom line is we are motivated to learn how to be more loving and how to let love in.

Some moms were brainstorming how they could pass on their learning’s so teenagers today feel valued and make positive choices as well as feel happy and confident.

Maybe you want to add a comment here about you think would help teenagers today and what mistakes you made in retrospect. Post your comments here so we can pass it on. You might enjoy visiting www.WeBelieveinGirls.com

Posted by Natalie Caine at 05:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

1. Have someone to talk with who is in or has been in the empty nest

2. Make a plan to get out of the house like going to a bookstore and joining a book club…or learn to play bridge or join a full moon hiking group

3. Exercise

4. Stay away from the cell phone and emailing your children…ask yourself…do I really need to do this?

5. Have something to look forward to so make that call.

6. Take an extension class or local class

7. Take a tour of your city with a tour group as if you were new to town

8. Spend time with nieces , nephews, and cousins that you didn’t have time for before

9. Go ahead and cry. Rent a sad movie if the tears are stuck Cry for what hasn’t come into your life. You won’t get stuck there.

10. Grieving isn’t a one time deal so slower your expectations

11. Be aware other loses with arise so get support in groups, therapy , etc.

12. Write yourself a letter about what a wonderful parent you are.

13. Post inspiring quotations by your computer and bathroom

14. Have friends over and ask them to bring a list of five of their favorite cds and to bring them with for that evening…dance and eat and share

15. Make time to be with yourself outside

16. Buy a bike

17. De-clutter every room and don’t buy more

18. Research where would a special place be for me…by a lake, mountain, ocean, desert and spend time there…who knows you might move

19. Make time for spiritual practices

20. Give yourself permission to change your mind

If you need more ideas contact me- natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Add your ideas to this blog.

Write a two day plan so it will help you get up, get going, and meet new people.

Research shows change takes about a month so be gentle with yourself…just as you would tell your children to be with themselves.

Posted by Natalie Caine at 10:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)