Parents are trying to prepare for the big hug and the silent house but most know you can’t avoid the loss and tears.

In the past two weeks as children are packing and parents are supportive I think the most common words I hear on the telephone and in the groups are, “I can’t believe how sad I am. I had no idea empty nest would be this painful.”

Changing our roles as parents isn’t real until we are in that cycle. Felicity told me her daughter is leaving in a week. They just enjoy being together and always have. Her daughter is excited and scared. Felicity feels like she has nothing to be excited about. She hates to cry and feel devastated. She wants life back as she loved it and knew it. She really doesn’t want a new role.

We talked about how you stay in the tears and sorrow and then there is a feeling like you are moving up an elevator and tears stop. You know you moved into the intellectual processing of this major life change, but you couldn’t take anymore flooding tears and aching empty belly.

No judgment, no rules of how to grieve. Knowing this is normal helps. Knowing there is support lessens the pain. Planning something for yourself like lunch with a friend or a phone tree with other moms from the graduating class adds compassion and commonality.

It just hurts to hug loved ones goodbye. It just hurts to feel endings and not know who you will be, but as unreal as it sounds today….the journey of this major life change does have gifts. You discover new parts of yourself that you never knew like courage, selfishness, creativity, intimacy, passion, perspective, peace, and more.

I remember a mother whose daughter was a junior in college and I was a beginner said to me, “I just am not into the empty nest thing anymore so I don’t really need to spend time talking about it. The pain is over and I like my freedom. You’ll see.” Actually, my reaction inside was, “she just doesn’t get me and she probably just doesn’t want to feel the loss anymore.” Well, I was wrong. She really does enjoy her freedom and now I understand.

Isn’t it interesting what sticks in our minds when we are right where we need to be and not leaping. I was in the beginning stages of grieving which was right where I needed to be. I wasn’t where she was. We laugh about that now, but believe me, I wasn’t laughing that day.

Posted by Natalie Caine at 01:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

My daughter has always lived in this house. In two weeks she will be a freshman living in a dorm far away. I will be here not hearing her voice, footsteps, or seeing her jump up on the kitchen counter as I mix brownies for the school picnic.

This is the opening of a mother talking with me on the phone. Sandy is trying to come to grips with her only daughter leaving the nest.

She talked about the check list and her daughter’s friends popping in and out filling the house with excitement. Soon, I will be out of the loop with her daily life and that is new for me, she went on to say. I am happy for her but sad for me. We are close. She is fun for me and I know what my day is like when she is home. I don’t know what I want to do with free time and not being THE MOM of the house. Sure, I will always be mom but it’s over isn’t it, as far as the little girl and her mommy. She sobbed and I wished I could have passed Kleenex through the phone

I remember when my daughter was on the count down for freshman year. The to-do list and friends kept me mentally engaged, but my heart still dropped tears with the entire last…….”

The root of the tears is a role we played for eighteen years is instantly over. They are on their way to adulthood. Parents are on the way to knowing themselves deeper and wider, grieving, and exploring priorities and joys at this stage of life.

Posted by Natalie Caine at 05:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)