September 2008 Archives

I know the sadness is huge when you hug your little one, who grew up so quickly, goodbye for now.

You wonder how they are doing. Will they call or email to say hello, which of course would instantly make you smile all day.

Separation is change. Change is lonely and unsettling to say the least.

Mothers and fathers have been calling with feelings and questions. Good news is they are saying what is real for them. They want to know if these feelings are “normal”, how can they find support and how long will the tears fall, what will be meaningful for them now that parenting isn’t filling their daily life? They want to know how to connect with their children and not get so resentful that they feel left out. They worry about finances, health, marriage issues, their ill parents, their other children who are in the midst of growing up. They have regrets and they have dreams. The list is long with wonderments. They want to know how to say what it is they want to be saying and not be punished for it.

All these feelings and questions are normal for sure. I began this web over six years ago when I too was heading into the empty nest and didn’t want to travel the dirt, gravel, and newly paved roads, alone.

I deeply appreciate all of you who are curiously and courageously connecting with me and the community we are building here, on and off this website.

Thank goodness for telephones, which have given me scheduled conversations during private consultations, with parents across the country.

My inspiration today sounds simple, but takes practice. LOVE THE PRECIOUS LIFE YOU HAVE. We have detoured at times, falling into darkness for what we don’t have. The paradox is , yes we need to feel and value our feelings of being sad, lonely , angry, disappointed, rejected, confused, disillusioned, left out, scared, betrayed.

And, we need to remind ourselves that FEELINGS WON’T DROWN US. They are feelings, not monsters.

There are many parts to us that include feelings and include peace, happiness, gratitude, restoration, action, choices, forgiveness, new beginnings, beauty, and standing tall.

LOVE THE PRECIOUS LIFE YOU HAVE by reminding yourself what love means to you, what you love about yourself, what you love about someone you know, and what matters in your life on a daily basis no matter what other parts might be trying to ruin your life.

As you know, I am a strong believer in the creativity, passion, and insights that journaling provides. Write to yourself as a way to remember to LOVE THE PRECIOUS LIFE YOU HAVE.

Post a note in your bathroom, or by your computer, from your journal that surprised you as you saw it show up on your pages. There is a whole new world inside you, waiting to come out.
That world is filled with freedom and joy and you deserve to unfold it.

Happy New Beginnings,

Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com

In my last blog, which you can still read here on the web, I talked about, “What’s Next for You?” Go ahead and read the ideas in that blog archive.

Now we have a fun idea for you!

Join our empty nesters online who are journaling. No one needs to go through this major life change alone. We are building another community to connect and unfold parts of us that had to go dormant while the children were at home.

Some empty nesters have a dream of telling their story and getting it published on webs, magazines and books.

Some want to journal as a way to remember and to heal.

Others love the surprise of what shows up when they sit with an empty page and simply write what shows up in the moment.
It can’t show up, unless you sit and make time for you to write. The head never writes. It is the heart that has the courage to sit in the emptiness until the first word drops.

You get to change your mind as you write. You can cross it out, but first, just write without stopping to fix it.

We are offering an ongoing journaling class in four week sessions.
Space is limited to ten people per session so that everyone meets and has a chance to share and write.

I will be providing assignments and prompts as well as leading us through this exciting discovery.

Directions on who this works online will be provided. It is easy with just a click on your computer.

Classes begin on Tuesday October 21st (8pm-9pm Eastern, 7pm-8pm Central, 5pm-6pm Pacific Time) so email natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Checks (each session is $25; $100 for the four – you must sign up for all four sessions) payable and mailed before class begins to:
Empty Nest Support Services
11684 Ventura Blvd Suite 960
Studio City, CA. 91604

Web is www.emptynestsupport.com
Toll free number 800 446 3310
Local number 818 763 0188

It is ok to pass this blog onto others who might want to share the journey with you.

I started my diary when I was in third grade. Now, it is journaling. While being a parent, having a career, taking care of my home, garden, and of course husband, family and friends, my writer went dormant. That is what re-emerged for me once my daughter left for college. I had no idea that passion was in me. I had forgotten about my diary, my writing memories from my teacher in third grade who said these encouraging words to me, “If you want to be a writer someday, you could. You write wonderful stories.”

You have no idea what memories will surface until you have the courage to make the time for you to write.

Hope to see you in the journaling class.
Take care,
Natalie

I have spoken with many mothers and even fathers this year, from across the country, all with similar words “I can’t believe how sad I am. I have done this letting go before. I thought it wouldn’t hurt this much. Why didn’t anyone ever talk about how horrible it is to be home in a silent house?”

Your sadness and anxiety are real. It is interesting how parents and children parallel each other, both beginning new journeys and new roles. Different reasons for the change, but still, change is scary and lonely.

After all the lists and build up of goodbye, and the months of being together in the same home, and sometimes wanting them out already, it is time to rest. I know there are times you didn’t cry in order for your child not to worry about you. Velcro Kleenex to yourself and let it out. Tears are healing. Talking is healing. Even if you are glad they finally left, talk about that.

• Write your story of what you will miss.
• Write what you are looking forward to, like less laundry and dirty dishes in the sink.
• Write what you remember people over the years, have said that complimented you.
• Write what lifts you up and gets you out the door.
• Write what you admire about your best friend.
• Write what your worries are.
• Write what has blown you away that you were able to do even in tough times.
• Write what you have done when you had free time.
• Write what you need this moment.
• Write what you are grateful for.

I guess you figured out I am a believer in the healing of journaling. It unfolds you to new parts of yourself. It brings memories that trigger other feelings and thoughts. It is safe, quiet time for you. It can lead you to what’s next for you.

You can do it on your computer or paper and just keep it in a folder or you can buy a big lined journal where you can doodle and write. It is for you, not your English teacher.

Curiosity and compassion can be your two best friends any time of day.

Make plans, though, to be nurtured.
Have an inspiring healing tape in your room to come home to and turn it on as you rest.

Have a friend email you to check on you and to remind you to go for a walk. Tell them ahead of time that you need this to start your day for the first week.

I notice if a plan is not on the calendar, we let the days pass by without being nurtured, so get it on your calendar. Sign up for fun on your calendar and go get. Play time for you. PLAY. We forget how to play. The other day, I was visiting a college student and she had a hoola hoop. I slipped it over and wiggled in her apartment. You know what makes you feel a little better.

Focus on yourself and try to stop the chatter in your head about what is she/he doing, why aren’t they calling, should I call, etc.

This is your time, in little ways, to get to know you again, not as a mother, not as a wife, partner, friend, daughter, sibling, employee, etc.

Enjoy time with you and crawl back in when you feel too vulnerable. You will go “out” again. Let yourself simply be soft, sweet, with you. Play music if you know you have more tears, but can’t let them flow. Rent a sad movie. I have had parents call saying they can’t stop doing because they are afraid they will flood in their tears. You won’t drown. I promise.

EACH TIME WE SAY GOODBYE WE GRIEVE FOR WHAT LEFT

Each time it matters how we care for ourselves. TREAT YOURSELF WELL and ASK FOR HELP. You would help someone if they were sad.

Take good care,
Natalie, whose daughter just left to go back to her job out of town and whose nephew flew into his sophomore college year, three thousand miles away, whose niece called , feeling homesick this week, which was her first college week and whose other nephew leaped into a new job and called having doubts. Change….it will always happen. Build inner resources for yourself that you can access in the moment! Breathing out loud is a great resource. Move into your new role and leave the perfection keys in the garbage. All of us will make mistakes and figure out how to course correct.

Natalie Caine, M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
800-446-3310 toll free: California time
www.emptynestsupport.com
natalie@emptynestsupport.com