June 2009 Archives

Parents are dealing with hellos and goodbyes this summer.

Relatives and friends are coming to visit.
Children are coming back home.
Change is inevitable as I always say, but that doesn't mean we like it.

Melissa called today confused with wanting them to come home and not wanting to deal with their differences. She knows it is fun for about a week. Then she falls into good mom and losing herself.

Can you relate?

What would you suggest she do to take care of herself besides for locking the door and the car keys when she gets frustrated?

Forget the bubble bath idea and cookies and milk.
 
Any wild ideas that no one really wants to talk about or thinks they shouldn't say?

Stay tune for summer tips and stories.

Happy summer,
Natalie

800-446-3310
818-763-0188 Los Angeles

Graduations are ending.  A new reality sets in for parents. It is getting real that in eight weeks or so, children will be taking the leap away from home.

A dad called saying he feels desperate to have fun this summer with the family. Conflict is that his children don't feel desperate or even available.

Kids that are filling the nest from college break don't feel desperate either.

What to do with the differences in needs?

1. Talk with your partner or a friend about what's up for you.  Being heard does help in sorting and reassessing all the layers of thoughts and feelings.

2. Pick something that is top on your list, example movie on a weekend, bbq night, day trip up the road, visiting grandparents.
Negotiate your needs and theirs.

3. Reality check.  You won't like this, but truth is, they have a different life agenda for the summer than you do and they get a big vote. Tell them you understand that. 

4. Parents do better during the summer when they drop expectations and focus back on their day and evening.  Changing your plans in the hopes children will be home or grab a meal together builds resentment.  They didn't ask you to change your plans.

5. No labeling.  Calling your children, "flakes, slobs, selfish," doesn't keep them home. Remember those I statements you learned at the beginning of parenting classes.  I miss you. I hope we can do something together.  I am free after seven. I am feeling left out of your life.

6. You aren't a saint and you aren't a punisher. You will lose it with yelling and name calling. Say sorry as fast as you can and keep the explanation brief but accountable. You are still a role model for them.

7. Naming behavior works, "Your wet towel is on the floor. There is no gas in the car. Your music kept us up last night. I didn't get a text from you."  You pause after you say it. Usually they get it and they say something really fast to ease the pain. Hopefully they say something that helps and not defends. Either way, they hear you.

What conflicts have you had and how are you coping? 

Enjoy your summer,
Natalie

Call for a telephone consultation 800-446-3310
Los Angeles local number 818-763-0188
Start a support group.
Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get support

I got a sweet email from a dad after we spoke on the telephone.  All of his children are away and usually they forget to acknowledge Father's Day.  He knows they love him. He knows their brains work differently - he understands.

Plan one is for him to do something to celebrate that day and not let it pass him by.  We laughed at the idea of texting the boys and saying, "Yes, today is Father's Day."

He is a single Dad, like so many wonderful dads. If he can't find a buddy that Sunday, he plans to map out a new day hike.  He is going to buy himself a treat to acknowledge the day and in the evening he will look at photos, maybe with Kleenex, and remember all the fun times. He misses his boys and always will. 

Learning to love the life you have now includes letting tears drop. We were never taught that grieving is part of living.

To all the wonderful dads and mine included, who has passed, I appreciate your gentleness and teachings about lifting up when times are down.

Whether you are with your loved ones or not, what compliment would you like to post about the father in your life?

Happy Father's Day,
Natalie
800-446-3310
Local number is 818-763-0188 Los Angeles

Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get support

www.emptynestsupport.com
 

Congratulations to all of you!

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer

Tips of the Day -

1.  Carry extra Kleenex. I passed out cotton handkerchiefs to my immediate family while we were waiting for the ceremony to begin.

2.  Bring throw away cameras and give them to others so you can simply enjoy the moment and not be in charge of capturing it with photos and video. 

3.  Snacks for sure

4.  Give short specific stories while toasting the graduate. Share memories and future hopes for them.   Even if you are shy, gear up and do it.  They will remember and appreciate you. You will too.

5.  You could gift everyone at the celebration meal with a photo, or CD of one or two songs that has upbeat words about the day.  I gave HEAVENLY DAY by Patty Griffin.  I knew the graduate loved that song.

6.  Make it happen...a group photo. Put someone in charge of that detail.

7.  Dance. Sing.  Even if you never do that, do it for yourself and the graduate.  You don't get this day back.  Go for the fun.

8.  If you can't stop crying which might surprise you, start counting everyone around you who is holding a camera.  It shifts you. Tears are good. Tears all day, not so good.

9.  Embrace everyone. Your ex-partner and their family are all part of who the graduate is today, even if you never witnessed that.

10. You'll be talking about this day forever.   We still laugh about the rain, the songs being off pitch, the great stories people shared and of course, that moment of your child walking across the stage in the cap and gown and you standing and cheering.

"Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart, was taking away its dream---whatever that dreams might be." Pearl S. Buck writer

Have fun celebrating,
Natalie

www.emptynestsupport.com
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 Los Angeles
• Private telephone consultations
• Speaking Engagements
• Workshops
• Support Groups
• Active website community of support

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support.

A father shared with me on the telephone that in two months, his son will be thousands of miles from home.

He notices that moms are better at chatting and repeating their feelings. He sees articles about moms saying goodbye, but little support for the dads.

He is hurting because he too loves his son, of course, and will miss the everyday connection.
School games will end: Driving to events together: Homework at the kitchen table. Photos at parties and bowls filled with dips and chips and loud kids and hoops in the driveway banging with basketballs and even volleyball.  He loved reading to him at bed time.  He gave him chicken soup when his stomach ached. He caught him shaving in the bathroom with the door slightly open.

He asked me to post here: DADS PLEASE COME ON BOARD AND TALK ABOUT WHAT'S UP. He is proud of his son. He feels the missing out of what he didn't have as a young kid.  He wonders how he and his wife will connect when they aren't interrupted by kids as their commonality, their bond.

Anonymous dad seeking other dads to talk about WHAT's UP on the COUNTDOWN to GOODBYE.

Take care,
Natalie
800-446-3310
Los Angeles
www.emptynestsupport.com
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support.