July 2009 Archives

What was your reaction to ask for help? 

I don't know anyone who would really help me?  I don't know where to begin with the help I need. I am so uncomfortable telling someone I am hurting.

Believe me; you aren't alone when it comes to sorting your feelings and then asking for help.  Vulnerable isn't easy.

It also isn't easy hurting and feeling isolated.

So here is an idea:

Pick one area of your life that you want some help with.  Reinventing yourself, getting along better with your children, in- laws, partner, meeting new people, getting healthy, finding meaning, boundaries with your children and family, finding your dormant parts that might bring you fun, working for yourself at home, gardening.  Well, you get the idea.

So go for it.

First write what you need...remember one thing.
- Send an email or pick up the phone.

Let me know how this goes for you. What stopped you? What worked for you?

Take care,
Natalie
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles 800-446-3310
Local 818-763-0188
www.emptynestsupport.com

I think the place people get stuck the most in finding "What's Next,"  is saying they don't know what to do.

I for sure can relate to that response.  Key is to say it and keep going.  "I don't know what I want to do and I will try......"  You get to go and try something and if it isn't a match for you, let it go.  That doesn't mean go on an interview and say yes to a job and then quit.  It means explore.

Five ideas

1. Make an appointment to visit a job site you are interested in pursuing. Call ahead and ask if you could have ten minutes to learn from the manager, the assistant, etc. what a day in the life involves.

2. Make a list of what activities you repeat during a week:  Shopping, gardening, talking to friends, researching online, connecting with forums, hiking, cooking, museums, reading, organizing, exercising, and teaching.  See what ideas come from that review as far as what you seem to like to do.

3. Ask your friends what they think your strengths are and what you seem to enjoy doing.  You can send a written note to them with a return envelop in it. You can have a small group over to support you and gift them with music and food.  You can email or call them.  Just do it. They won't mind your asking for help.  You would do it for them!

4. Journaling:  Write what you are thinking and feeling. Give yourself fifteen minutes to write without being interrupted or stopping.  Clues will be there. Write about someone you know who has a volunteer job, or career that you admire, "I just love that Cary is a fund raiser. She is helping others, meeting new people, and making good enough money. She seems so happy and still has time for herself."  "Maybe I could........"

5. Make cold calls when you research some of your interests and ask for help, "I am thinking of blogging, but I want to know the down side of it and the cost. Could you help me sometime this week? If not, do you know someone I could call?"

It is normal to change your mind, not know what you want to do next, feel stuck.  Post on the free message board, www.emptynestsupport.com that you need some ideas.  We are building a community so that no one has to go through this major life transition alone. There are wonderful, wise people posting there that are on the same journey as you. Why not get support?

Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310

I think the overall vote for a giveaway would be...

So what came to you when you read that?  You can post it here or privately email me, Natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Here is a list of things I have heard from empty nesters when I ask them that during a consultation or group.

1.  Fear of trying something new
2.  Need for my children to check in during the week
3.  Isolating
4.  Not being vulnerable by asking for help and saying I am hurt
5.  Need to balance. It isn't real or actually exciting to live a life without the roller coaster.
6.  Not making time to assess if I am having fun, making changes I know I need to make, not seeking professional help
7.  Getting caught in the "I am getting too old to ...travel, seek new adventures, new work, new friendships, new volunteering, the arts.
8.  Give up the need for a guarantee that the event, new job, relationship, diet, etc is a sure thing.
9.  Unrealistic expectations
10. My children's stuff they left behind. Don't want to be a storage bin anymore.
11. Clothes that don't fit.
12. Magazines
13. Everything in the den
14. Nagging
15. Not going to an event because I don't want to drive in the traffic
16. Anger  that has been there for too long
17. Being critical of myself and others...control freak
18. CD's we never listen to
19. My best ever chocolate chip cookie recipe so you will hire me for Food Network.
20. Habit of eating in the car.
I was surprised so many women, like myself, like to clean when stress is high. We figured out why it works:  it is physical, it gives immediate gratification, and it makes us feel productive.

Do you clean when stress is high?  I have not found that to be true for men.

I know I say it over and over, but it is so valuable to hear what others are thinking and going through that have a common thread with you. Freeing for sure!

Still my two strengths and hope elixirs are CURIOSITY and COMPASSION. I will continue to pass those reminders to you and have you say what your strengths and hope elixirs are.

Email me and let me know what you need these days. My hope in creating Empty Nest Support Services six years ago was that no one goes through this major life transition alone, so don't be shy or uncertain, just email your NEEDS, QUESTIONS, IDEAS.  We are an ongoing community.

Take care,
Natalie
Toll free 800-446-3310
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
www.emptynestsupport.com

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Change is inevitable. Get support.

Over the six years of my speaking with parents across the country a big question is, NOW WHAT?

You are on a journey of grieving the role you loved and shifting into a new role.

How do you find what's next for you?

1. Talk with your friends about your feelings and ask for help on what they think would add meaning to your life. Send them an email or have a wine and cheese party for brainstorming all about you.  We get shy to ask for help.  JUST DO IT.  They will be happy to help you and you will feel support.
Katie had paper and pencil at her house and yummy treats for her three friends. End of the evening she got excited about exploring being a personal organizer and starting a website to connect with others.

2. Learning to focus on yourself takes practice.  Ask yourself, daily, "What am I feeling?  What would help me today?" You get to cry. You get to have ordinary days where you aren't being productive or giving.  Say no because you don't have anything to give that day. Who wouldn't grieve when they love someone and can't see them for months or be giving to them as you use to.  You lose the school community and are on the hunt for a new circle of connections.

3.  What did you enjoy doing in elementary school and high school?  What was fun for you after work before children?  Did you dance, draw, bake, hike, go camping, have friends over, go to movies and concerts, take a day trip on the road and where? Search your memories. Look at old photos for clues. Did you have a diary?
Mary sent an email to a college buddy and one to a high school friend asking, "What was fun for us to do back then?  What did you think I would be when I grew up?" She was so surprised to hear them talk about her love of singing.  Now she is taking voice lessons.

4.  Be patient which is not one of my strengths but I hope yours, at times. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend who was sad and feeling off balance.

What do you think would help you in this transition and change? Someone who has traveled the journey of empty nest? Brainstorming support group for now what? Connecting with parents on how to shift your role with your children?

Post your comment below or email natalie@emptynestsupport.com

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