August 2009 Archives

Melanie called my office, as have others last week and this, "How long will I be crying? What can I do?"

The memories still are fresh for me when I hugged my daughter goodbye at the dorm, dropped off my rental car, and then flew, alone 3000 miles to a silent house.  Now I love it, but then, I hurt.

What to do?

1. You will miss your children, so go ahead and cry.  Who wouldn't be crying waving goodbye to someone you have lived with and loved since birth.

2. Ask yourself during the day and evening, "What do I need today?"  Give it to yourself.
You have been the giver, now turn that energy towards you.  No guilt, no shoulds, no comparisons to others.

3. Let your children be. If you call more than you feel is ok or text or IM, or email, you stay too much in their head as a voice. They need to hear themselves think and feel. They too are building a new life. Let them grow taller.

4. Write your wish list.  "I wish I could......Fill it in without stopping to re- read it or analyze it.  Writing brings forth parts that don't always show up while thinking in the car.  Read it out loud after you write.  Karen shared with me on the phone session that after she wrote her wishes, she surprised herself, "I wish I could do nothing all month and be spontaneous."

5. Journal, "What might give me a healthy lifestyle now? What needs a little or a big overhaul that I can do in baby steps?"

Empty nest is a real, major life transition. Treat yourself well as you would treat a friend going through the journey.
Ask for help. Make a plan during the week to connect with others and write it on the calendar. Carry aloe Kleenex.

Your life will not be filled with months of tears. New parts of you will show up and you will feel a joy you never imagined.
For now, let yourself be.

Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800 446 3310 toll free Los Angeles
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Featured in Time Magazine, NY Times, Better Homes and Garden, Lifetime Radio for Women, LA Times, Washington Post, USA Today.

First of all, I am a foodie. Therefore I am not empty. Empty in the tummy is a no no for me. 

When my daughter and I were visiting colleges in Chicago, Rick's restaurant did not disappoint. His menus are framed in my kitchen.

CONGRATULATIONS to TOP CHEF WINNER, RICK BAYLESS.  His winning doubles his ability to give to his charities.  Rick's wife will never want to go out to dinner because he cooks the best meals year round.  Lucky her.  I am sure she is grateful for every savory flavor.

I too am lucky.  I am presenting October 3, 2009 at Rancho La Puerta Resort and Spa, LIFE IN TRANSITION, NOW WHAT, and guess what?  Dreams do come true....Rick Bayless will be presenting and cooking when I am there.  I am so excited to cook with him.

Come join us.  I know it sounds crazy with the economy and responsibilities, but you, parents, who always are the givers, need to just do it if you can. 

Check under Events on my website in order to click to receive information about LIFE IN TRANSITION, NOW WHAT?  www.emptynestsupport.com

I am very grateful for this opportunity and would love to meet you there.
Take care during this major transition of hugging your sweeties goodbye for now.

Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com

"Don't worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."  Robert Thurman

I read that to a group and their hands went up. "I don't know what is next for me?"  The wobbling of not knowing seems to take away from the message.

Write down what makes you come alive. This is not solely about money, a career, being productive, or making a difference.

This is time for you. You who are sitting in the empty nest or on your way.

So do it now.  Write down what makes you come alive.  Don't think too much, simply write without going back to read what you write. 

- Food
- Hiking
- Having a few people over to your home
- Bookstores
- Music
- Baking
- Scrapbooking
- Travel
- Watching children ride their bikes or dig in the sand
- Art exhibits
- Trying a new wine
- Dancing
- Calling an old friend and catching up
- Getting in the car and driving out of town
- Reading a mystery , love novel
- Hearing an inspiring story
- Getting help with a project or idea
- Being invited to a party
- Planning a trip
- Holidays
- Movies
- Swimming

Well, you get the idea.  Now write your ideas. Go back and read them out loud, slowly.  Which ones stick in your heart?

Write again. Read it out loud. If there is one you want to try, mark it on the calendar and do it that day.

Be your own explorer by focusing back on yourself, learning what matters to you now.

It takes practice and some days you won't want to do anything.  Ok by me. Is that ok by you?

Enjoy the end of this summer season . Plan something for yourself.

Take good care,

Natalie
800-446-3310 Los Angeles

Parents ask me, "How do I figure out what is next for me?"  One thing that helps is talking about your interests and then following up in a week. Schedule the follow up on your calendar before you hang up the phone.

I too need inspiration and clarity outside of myself. I notice women have a harder time asking for help. This is YOUR TIME. Sure, you feel vulnerable, especially when you are clueless about what to ask or how to explore, and you are feeling off balance because you miss your children.  Get help.

I have asked other experts to hear my thoughts and feelings around raising my bar and to suggest what they would do or have done. I ask what mistakes they made or how they would do it over if they could.  I feel so good after I hang up the phone. I have more energy to do the work.

A spark of inspiration and concrete to do's works for me. I believe people will say no or tell me what they need if I call for help.  Remembering that allows me to ask for support.  They know how to respond to my exploration and I believe if they don't, they will tell me that and head me to someone who might be of help.  Positive beliefs and action to persevere, shuts off the negative chatter in your head where you spin over and over rather than reaching for the phone or writing an email.

Mistakes will happen. So what?  You get to start over and to change your mind.

So raise your bar with people who are willing to hold it for you.

Make a list of what you would ask and who you would call.  Perfection needs to stay in the car.  You can fumble over what to ask. Do research.  Write it on your calendar, Tuesday I will research more websites. Wednesday I will call or email five people.  Move your ideas out of your head and into a conversation.  Let me know by emailing me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com, how raising your bar worked for you. Some call it accountability. I call it partnering  

Take good care,
Natalie
- Just featured In Time Magazine, August 24, 2009

A mom called today saying she would rather have the two new experimental swine flu shots then be packing up her son for college.  She always faints when a needle comes into her vision and gets rashes after the shots.

She went on to say, humor has gotten her through challenging times but not this goodbye.

Taking the pain of goodbye away won't happen.  Stocking up on the best Kleenex is a must.

I really feel for the parents going through this transition right now.  You simply are going to have to give up stuffing back those tears.

Remember:
-  You need support.  So make a plan before you come back to a silent, empty house.  You just need one friend to pamper you.

-  Get into nature for a day get away and let it all go.

-  Write for healing. Start a journal and write your ideas, feelings, thoughts.  It is a practice that heals.

-  Connect with others who have been through the transition or are in it like you.  Check website forums where you safely can express and get support.

There just isn't a way to get past this shift of your role with your children.  There is a way to feel whatever you are feeling whenever you feel it.  Why wouldn't you be crying?  You are hugging a love you have known for decades.

Give yourself time to not decide what is next for you. Simply hang out with thoughts and feelings and let other people know you need them to just give ya a call, an email.

There is a wonderful freedom and joy in the empty nest. Each of us finds that in a unique way.  No right time line.

Enjoy the celebration of your child's dreams and acknowledge WHAT A GREAT JOY YOU HAVE DONE.

Take good care,
Natalie