November 2009 Archives

You think you can do and be it all for others during the holidays:

-  Make scrumptious meals
-  Decorate your home with sparkles and colors of beauty and aroma
-  Add music and laughter
-  Look dazzling and vibrant
-  Light the fire and open the bar
-  Spiffy the house in go green cleanliness
-  Comfort and care for returning children
-  Choose topics of conversation that won't ruffle anyone's feathers
-  Make donations to the Food Drive
-  Ask what everyone is grateful for in their life
-  Set the tone of love and peace

You can probably add even more images and expectations for the holidays

I too am reminding myself to simply BE MYSELF and check in with ME... "How are you doing, what are you feeling and what do you need right now?"  After all... if not now, WHEN......we are or most of us are, in our forties, fifties, sixties and isn't it time to  love who we are?  Enjoy these gatherings no matter what we don't have, can't be, don't want to be, or can't make happen?

I know it isn't easy to avoid the pop up voices in our head of how it was or should be ...expectations.  I am going to hope for awareness, give hugs, laugh, listen, and eat whatever yummy foods I desire (pumpkin pie and stuffing).

Happy Thanksgiving includes YOU.
Take care,
Natalie

The tears just fall. You thought you were over the pain. You never imagined there were so many tears in a body, but there they are, irritating your nose and quivering your lip.

HELP LIST:

1. Say what you are feeling.  I feel so sad, so alone.  Can't do anything. Nothing is working out that I have tried to do. I can't get over it. I am sick of running errands just as a way to get me out of this house.
   I feel useless.   
2. Let yourself cry, curl up in the bed.
3. Stay curious and compassionate with yourself (what's up for me, do others feel this way..I mean isn't this normal to be lethargic and sad, what has helped me in the past, well of course I am having a lousy day who wouldn't with all that is going on, change isn't easy and I know that, I have never been here before so of course I feel lost, I wonder who could help me, can I change my mind)
4. Remind yourself, "I won't feel like this forever. This is how it is today.  I have felt better and I have felt worse.  I can handle this. It's a bad day. I don't have to fix it or be different. I am sad and that is how it is right now.  My life isn't how I wanted it to be.
5. When you can't stand yourself anymore or the four walls are closing you in, push yourself out of your nest into fresh air.  Who cares if you shower or aren't looking good.  Walk in your neighborhood.  Do you want your I-Pod or no music?  Turn around when you can't do this anymore and need to be back home.
6. You get to change your mind.
7. Ask for help. Send an email or find a support group online or call a friend.  Yes, you feel embarrassed about not being strong or "over it" and you still deserve someone to be there for you.
8. Don't look backwards about your life, look forward.  Sometimes we reach to people in our past that never were able to be there for us but it is a habit, so remind yourself to reach forward . Try anything. Local coffee shop, book store, bike shop, healthy foods store and just say hello to someone.
9. Change isn't easy especially when you didn't choose it and the truth is, change happens.  Get to know who you are and who you aren't. Pull up new resources from within that can help you make a tiny step forward. Does that mean taking  a class online, getting a mentor, learning to meditate, trying a yoga  or biking?
10. Don't blame yourself for a rotten day.  That critic of yours has never given you the best advice.  Ask the one who really wants to nurture you what would be a good idea for you right now? What do you think I need today?   Write down what you heard that part of you say to you.

Life is complex. We get tired of pulling ourselves up to be the best we can be. That pusher part of us can be over rated in times where being the best you can be is being in touch with what you are thinking and feeling...simply being with yourself as you are and not fixing anything about you or having to do anything for others. 

You won't stay in that place forever.   A new wave will carry you to the outer world, again.  Trust that you know yourself and will know what you need.  Go inside and ask, "WHAT DO I NEED TODAY AND HOW CAN I HAVE THAT FOR MYSELF?"

Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188 Los Angeles, CA
www.emptynestsupport.com
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, N.Y. TIMES, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS, ASSOCIATED PRESS,LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, and more.

What are your excitements, empty nesters, and concerns about your children coming home for the holidays or winter break?

Being a parent and speaking with thousands of parents in and out of this country I think UNREALITISTIC EXPECTATIONS dampen the mood.

It isn't easy not falling back into our roles as nurse, chef, therapist, banker, baby-sitter, and house keeper, etc.  You get the picture. So keep what matters to you, in focus.  Don't change your plans in the hope they will be home for dinner or join all of you for the movies.  Check in with them by keeping your communication short and flexible.  They listen and you listen. Sounds simple but when we have wants it gets COMPLEX. We love parenting and we love time to self care.

How to hold both the excitement and concerns?  Stay realistic that they have other people to see, different tolerance and sleep patterns than you do. FOR EXAMPLE, they rarely think things like:  Oh that is too far to drive, IT is already dark and I don't want to go back out again, I can't stay up that late because I have to get up early for work.......

Just reminding yourself that they aren't who they were before they left home and you aren't either keeps the moments in a healthy perspective.

So what is exciting and what is concerning you as you make your shopping list, count the days for the big hug, sparkle the house and dust their room?

Let us know what you are thinking about!
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188 Los Angeles

Just when you get yourself in the driver's seat of your new role as a parent and new interests, children come back.

You can relate to this road that you wish you didn't have to travel.  I am here to remind you that you are the driver.

I remind you. You remind me.  We don't want to give up what took us pain, trial and error, and time to develop.  We learned to shift our role as parents but children come home and want the old parent back....even though you warned them there would be "consequences" to growing up. Good consequences for all. Adults.....

But the point is, don't give up your routine.  Yes you want to be flexible and enjoy the short or long stay when they come to visit, but you don't have to go back to being the manager, cook, cleaner, problem solver, bank, nurse and doctor.  You get to choose how you want the time to be.  They can cook dinner for all of you. They can keep the noise down since you get up the next morning for work. They aren't guests who deserve a vacation at your expense.

And, there are no rules....paradoxes again. It is like potty training. What worked one day may be an accident the next!

Key is to remind yourself of your morals and values and what punches your buttons.  Are you carrying unrealistic expectations and therefore setting yourself up for resentment? Resentment towards yourself that you didn't see what you needed to see before you started screaming.  Yes, mistakes will happen.  Carry on....care for yourself. That is love.

Well, there you have the short story of the roller coaster ride.  What's your roller coaster ride these days?  Comment here or send an email, natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Take care,
Natalie  and read the PS which I could have shared early.

PS.  My best times when my daughter returns are to let her know ahead of time what I would like, what's up for me and for her to share the same information and feelings.    Sure life changes and we swim with that shift or drown for a bit and eventually, pop up for real air.  Communicating repels resentment.  Chatting with myself first on what really will happen verses fantasy, keeps me sane.  Saying, "I'm not thrilled with that idea," rather than, "Oh sure I am fine with that," makes for a good night's sleep.  You know what I mean because love can be seductive and the word, yes, falls out before no. 

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When: Thursday, November 5, 2009
Where: Teleseminar on the telephone for free
Time:  Pacific time is 10:00 am and Eastern time is 1:00 pm.

What to do next:  Email natalie@emptynestsupport.com  in order to receive the telephone number to call and the password code. If the time isn't good for you, still email Natalie letting her know you are signing up for free for this INTERIM GAP YEAR teleseminar . You will be able to access the link of the session through the computer.
 
All you have to do is email Natalie in order to listen to how Holly guides Natalie by asking her specific questions of interests and offers her lists of possibilities based on Holly's years of experience and what she hears Natalie talk about during the one hour teleseminar.  Holly will also share what other clients have chosen to do next. 

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For further information, email Natalie natalie@emptynestsupport.com or email to sign up by saying , Yes I want to join in on the teleseminar, November 5th. 

Looking forward to hearing from you,
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com
 
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