March 2010 Archives

I don't know about men/ single dads, wondering why women don't look at them anymore, but moms/ single women of a certain age and married women, talk about how no one notices them anymore.  They try and have a sense of humor that their kids get more "looks" eyes meeting eyes, than they do.

This chick in the photo wonders too, "ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?"

I was looking at photos with a longtime friend and I said, "I think that photo makes me look OLDER than I feel." Her response was, "You ARE older."

"Ouch" Of course I know I am older but I don't think I was expecting to see it in a current photo. Fantasy was working for me. I feel young so that should reflect in photos.  Yes, being naïve can be a positive choice.

Change again.  No matter what age you are or how you look, you don't want to feel invisible.  Eyes looking into eyes combined with a smile, lifts your energy. Friendliness.  One woman told me she doesn't even notice a guy going by anymore since she has given up on the connection look.  She doesn't ever catch an eye looking at her, so she doesn't notice them.  Does she want to shift that?  NOT FOR NOW, was her response.

In a group, we talked about our IMAGES OF AGING. We shared what kind of role model our parents were for us in regard to optimism and taking good care of their appearance and health no matter how old they were.  Most said they don't have good role models of aging so they fear it.  Their parents either went overboard or just stopped caring after a certain age. They were boring, overweight, and non-passionate.

It isn't the physical aging shift, it is the lack of vitality and mobility that was a scary thought. Well, and of course, learning to love aging skin and thinning hair and sore knees that don't always allow you to get up and down or stand on concrete floors for long.  We laughed with the repetitive phrase someone would blurt out, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL US?"  Do you think that really would have helped?

I remember a woman older than I said that she never shows her knees or arms anymore. No sleeveless. No shorts. I had no idea what she was talking about.  She simply said that no one would look at her and more important than them, she didn't like looking at her knees and jiggle arms.  She didn't want to be reminded that she was getting older.  Now, I understand what she meant. She takes good care of herself and does see the beauty she is at this cycle of her life. She walks, does weekly yoga, dresses well and keeps her hair uncolored and to her shoulders.  She likes how she looks in clothes.
She loves her active and creative life and freedom from rigid schedules.

I think there are days we feel attractive, vibrant, and needed and days we don't.  The problem seems to be when we expect to be who we aren't and we give up on feeling inside and outer beauty about ourselves. You don't have to pull it together everyday unless you want to.  Freedom from the shoulds.
Cathy said it is ok to tell you that she actually puts on a coat with her jammies underneath and drives to the store to get a few things. Would your mother have done that or your father?  Not mine!

Here's looking at you!

Share a time you were surprised at not being seen.  Have you been questioning what aging is all about?  Does a part of you feel envious of your youthful children?

Take good care,

Natalie
818-763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, CHICAGO TRIBUNE, TIME MAGAZINE, USA TODAY, LA TIMES, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS, ASSOCIATED PRESS, and more.

During my weekend walk, I wanted to find a cloud that looked like a bunny. I did. You might need to use your imagination in the photo to see the bunny. Passover and Easter are festivals of Spring.  I think it is also a reminder of endurance and freedom.

Who doesn't want to get outside and celebrate Spring?  We long for beauty and new beginnings.  We have memories with our parents, children, family, and friends. We just want to spend time together.  I wasn't able to be with my daughter to celebrate this year.  I was so happy when she emailed and said she had a great celebration and missed me and grandma.  I think the traditions and rituals we seed are for connection and humility, as well as, something to pass to our children as happy memories, appreciation, and hope for their future.

Traditions change because our lives shift whether by choice or circumstances.  Make up new traditions and do something to celebrate life, new beginnings, and beauty.  I planted my tomato seeds outside that finally got green and tall enough to be freed from my garage and paper cups and land in the nourished soil under the sun and moon.

I took down photos I had in my office and just left the green wall blank.  I like it that way for now. Openness.

A mom called telling me she felt so lonely since her parents both were gone and her children lived too far to celebrate with her.  She missed the life she had and didn't have the ignition to start anything new.  Being still has value.  Big value.  Rest, hearing just yourself think, feeling whatever you need to feel without interruptions, and learning you can move through a situation you dread.  Crying.  Change is never easy. Voices in your head can make peas of thoughts or huge watermelons of burden.  Whatever floats in during grieving for what was and not knowing what will be, is simply feelings, not monsters.

Another mom shared during a session that she felt she was being punished since she was having so many days of sadness and disappointments.  It hurts to be in grieving.  It makes sense you would wonder if you were screwing up your life or having a life that just wasn't a good day or week.  When you check in with yourself, get quiet, and see more than the week or month of your life, I think you will be able to feel your value and gift of life.  I for sure know it isn't natural to shift to the bigger picture of your whole life verses short term.  I also know that allowing that critic to push you down when you are already down is unhealthy.  You aren't screwing up your life or a screwed up person.  There is more to you than you are remembering during sorrow and loss.  Compassion and curiosity for yourself might lift you.  Who wouldn't be sad when life changes and you didn't ask for it? Reach towards someone who can hear you.  One mom shared with a stranger in the grocery store in the meat department.  She felt better.

Festivals of Spring. Share here how you are celebrating or email natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Take care,
Natalie
Los Angeles, Ca.
818-763-0188

My hope in speaking engagements, retreats, consultations, writing, and teaching, is to provide safe spaces, resources, and ongoing support in finding your dormant parts, peaking into your freedom and joy that is just ahead of you, and being with what you are thinking and feeling today.  You are forced into a major life transition of emptying from the day to day life you loved.  The void of vibrancy, connection, and meaning, may leave you anxious, fatigued, irritable, and isolating.  Normal for sure.

I wanted to share this photo with you as one of the visual tools for telling your story.  We all have stories. Some like to share one on one and others love a circle.  These rocks tossed on the sand by the ocean are an ignition for your story.  Look again at the rocks.  Which one are you drawn to?  Does one rock remind you of something?  If you could take one home, which would you pick?

Here are a few of the responses that you might relate to from these rock
formations:

1. Wanting to speak out more but closed up because I feel criticized.
2. Left out
3. Need to be cradled in a blanket and comforted
4. Kissing
5. Loss of family
6. Isolated but in view
7. Brightly shining

Look at the photo again. What do you see?  You can use the above responses to start your story and see what you uncover about what you have been thinking and feeling these days.  Stories heal us.  Some people don't like to write.  They want to just speak it.  Anyway that works for you is the right way.  Maybe you have no words today and you just like looking at the rocks.

May found objects, like these rocks, bring out your story. Heal you and lead you to curiosity and compassion.

Comment here or send me an email of your story, your found objects, natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Take care,
Natalie
818-763-0188 Los Angeles, CA
Featured in Time Magazine, Washington Post, Associated Press, N. Y. Times, USA Today, L.A. Times, Better Homes and Garden, Chicago Tribune, and radio.

I remember having a warm one on one chat with Gloria in February this year at a celebration. She said something like, JUDGE LESS AND HAVE JOY.  If what you want doesn't exist, YOU START IT and here is an idea for just you.

Today I celebrate your remarkable 75th birthday; for always I will appreciate the path you dug and stand tall on for humanity.

Who inspires you?  Pass it on by commenting here or sending me an email, natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Happy Celebrations, Natalie

Changes stop us whether for a good change or challenging.  Some parents I speak with say they RISE UP no matter what and then collapse.  The collapse shows itself in anxiety, fatigue, isolation, and depression.   They wish they had a way to prepare so they wouldn't hurt or feel off from who they usually are. I can relate.

I think a sure preparation is to plan for inward time... refreshing time.

You can't prevent feeling what you will feel. You sometimes get a heads up that a challenge is heading your way, like loss, but feelings are still going to pour out of you. This photo is from an early morning drive I took to the beach.  I needed to refresh.  The bird just reminded me that we do move on.  The sound of the waves were so loud at first , shocking, like a sudden change, and then I fell into it. 

Do you make time to curl in after being on a go go go schedule or care-taking or loss?  Do you feel like you can't stop the train from running down the tracks until brakes screech? 

Jen called to talk about her tears that Spring Break is over. She loved being back in the daily mother role and dreaded started over again separate from her son and her role.  Transitions are wobbly.  You feel this vibrancy at home and connection.  Then silence... a void.

You know you will move on , you just wish it would get easier each time  

Sometimes that doesn't happen.   The worst is when you had a bad night sleep.

Over and over parents and boomers share what helps them is to slow down when they have RISEN UP and to have a plan of something comforting and uplifting.

I feel better when I get quiet and into nature.  Nature holds me.

I hope you find comfort when transitioning.
Share how you moved on or through the collapse.  You can email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com or post a comment here.  We are building a community of ongoing support.

Take care,
Natalie

I thought I was done posting my Spring Jasmine, but I just can't help myself.  Beauty wins.

It reminds me of times I thought I was done telling my daughter or husband that I wasn't going to clean the dishes after dinner.  Your turn.  I cook.
You clean up. You cook. I clean. 

Actually, I don't follow rules all the time unless they serve me.  Can you relate?  Sure, there are times I cook and do dishes. Mostly I want the family to be considerate and pitch in without my holding up the TO DO SIGN.

That isn't an issue anymore since she doesn't live at home, being a college graduate.

A mom called telling me she thought she was over Spring Break without her children coming home.  She wept. It wasn't really about Spring Break. It was about the break in the relationship. Break from being the everyday mom that she loved. She missed the little things like hearing them talk on the phone, drop their back packs in the kitchen and dive into the refrigerator as she asked about their day.  Now she sees them only twice a year.  Distance, scheduling, and finances changed the traditions of family time.

A Boomer mom, who doesn't have an empty nest, but does have a senior in high school, thought she was done nagging him because she knows it doesn't teach him or give the results she is hoping for. She shared she has said, SORRY, more this year than any time in her life.  She fears how she will be when he leaves for college.  Will she promise not to hover and then show up at his dorm unannounced because she just couldn't help herself?  We had a good laugh after the tears.

Maybe you thought you wouldn't RESCUE them financially, but still put money in their account.

Maybe you were going to stop the OBSESSION about not knowing what is next for you but are still hammering in your head to get THE ANSWER NOW.
Maybe you said you were going to take better care of yourself by saying NO but that YES just slipped out.

Maybe you thought you were in the swing of being an empty nester and they MOVED BACK home.

What did you think you were done with and aren't at times?

Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Speaking engagements
Private consultations on the phone
Workshops
Support Groups

My surprise is this photo.  Jasmine are invisible outside my window until they burst like a wedding bouquet.

I have been celebrating warm days, dahlias, and peaks of vegetable seeds coming up green that I started in my garage. I love the surprise of looking at them daily, like newborns...well not exactly like that, but I do talk to them.

I love the calls from happy and tearful parents saying, "He got in.  She got her first choice college. We were so surprised she got a scholarship."

What surprise have you had this year?  What surprise would you like to have?

Emily called to tell me her daughter is getting married in August and she loves her new son in law.  They are having a destination wedding in Napa. She was shocked.

My neighbors called to say they are moving to New Orleans.  What a surprise.
They had been brainstorming how to make that happen with their two young children and now they are leaving by summer.

Jeannie got engaged and she thought that would never happen since she is in her fifties and not real social.

Are you getting inspired to make a list of what happy surprise you would like this year?

I would like to travel. I just love everything about it, including the airports, different languages, seeing how little I can pack and carry, the foods, the architecture, the schools, the gardens, the wines, the music, taking photos, and the way they live their lives.  I get inspired and creative.

So tell us what is on your surprise list?

Happy Spring,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188

Can you find the four leaf clover in the photo?

Would you feel lucky if you did?

When I asked about luck on telephone consults, these were some of the responses:

1. I don't believe in accidents.  Everything happens for a reason.
2. I don't believe in luck. I have to make it.
3. I for sure believe in luck. I was at the right place at the right time and met the love of my life. We were in line at a movie.
4. I believe in luck because I thought I could never have kids. I have two.
5. Luck happens. It can happen to anyone who thinks about it and then knows they are lucky.
6. Luck, well l think I am lucky because I am optimistic in life.  Always have been.  That is lucky for me.
7. Luck, I celebrate every lucky thing that happens. So more keep coming around. Last night I found my lost dog.

Do you believe in luck?  When have you felt lucky?
Leave a comment or write me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Happy Corned Beef and Cabbage, Sweetened with Green Iced Shortbread, Natalie

It is Spring Break .Some parents are vacationing with their children. That is not true for me. 

I am trying to stop the chatter in my head that keeps me indoors rather than out during these peaks of Spring.

Here is some of my inner clatter:

It looks too windy.  I need to finish my article. I will go for a hike later in the day. I'm too tired.

I told myself that this week I would get back to doing exercise five days.  Basically, I was driving myself crazy with writing exercise on my to-do list everyday and then talking myself out of it.

That behavior of writing down exercise everyday and not doing it, is EXACTLY what I got sick of doing.  I finely said, no more thinking about why I should or shouldn't go on a hike today.  Shut up and get out the door.  Grab the opening time now.  Go.

These two photos are part of the beauty I saw on my hike.  I chattered about not carrying my camera as well, and again, said, "Shut up and take it.  You love nature photos.  Do it."  I got about twenty Spring beauties which I will share later in a blog.

I was tired stepping out the door.  I was happy and energized stepping back into my office. One insight I had about OVER THINKING, is that when I have been PUSHING MYSELF at work to meet deadlines and respond to all emails or in RELATIONSHIPS by practicing new behavior, for example, letting  differences go, I don't want to push myself to exercise.  I want to pamper myself.  Get nurtured.

Why do you over think?  What are you spinning in your head right now?  What quiets the chatter? Leave a comment.

PS. I wish I were on Spring Break with my daughter. She is working. I am working.  We are not in the same city.  Thank goodness we have a plan to hike together and be in SPRING. I hope it happens.

Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188

I asked this question in a group and many said, "When my children got into college, married, loved their job out of college, had grandchildren, moved close to them, vacationed without their children, got healthy, downsized, made a career change, finally learned how to grow organic vegetables, took up ceramics, wrote their book, were featured in an art gallery, joined a church choir, taught art classes, made healthy lunches for teachers, read to neighbors, healed from supposedly terminal breast cancer, learned to focus back on themselves and not be a pleaser, yoga, meditation, walks every day, and not jumping every time their children needed something. I am sure you could add to this short list.

Yes, parents and boomers talked about their dream travels that came true and that some re-married or chose to live with a new partner.  I don't have the secret to what makes dreams come true. Do you?  I do know that I am for sure a hopeful person. I think that feeds my dreams. I am persistent and curious.  I have learned to let go when a window won't open.

What dreams came true for you?  When times are challenging you can pull up those memories. Pull them up even when you are happy. Some experts say happiness is making the choice every day to be and do what makes you happy.

I was looking at my photos on line. Chatting with Rick Bayless, who is an award winning chef-restaurateur and television personality, walking in a vegetable garden with him, and having him autograph menus from his restaurant that I saved for seven years, was a dream come true. We were both teaching at the world renown fitness and spa retreat called Rancho La Puerta, which sits on 3000 acres outside San Diego, Ca in Mexico. 

I was excited and nervous.  I had never been there. Going to this resort was also on my dream list and to top it off, to participate in a cooking class and sit and chat with Rick Bayless, a chef whose recipes I often cooked, made me leap with how great life can be. Even a good change like actually having a dream come true, can be challenging.  It takes us out of our comfort zone and shakes us up.

That was last October. Happily, I will be teaching there again the end of July for a week.  You can see the blurb and read who else will be presenting that week at my website under Events, www.emptynestsupport.com. You might want to start a piggy bank and save to go to Rancho La Puerta Resort and Spa.  I met people I still am in contact with and immersed myself in nature, health, and fun.

So, what dreams have come true for you and what is on your future dream list?  What do you think helps a dream come true? Share with us so we can support you and pass the inspiration on for others to keep dreams alive.

Take good care.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Lifetime Radio for Women, N. Y. Times, L. A. Times, Better Homes and Gardens, Associated Press, and more

A father called excited about his daughter coming home for Spring Break.

She has been shivering in snow and boring meals. He is ready to connect and treat her well.  They are driving to warmer climates and relaxation, just the two of them.

 Empty Nesters have called asking for tips during the Spring Break re-unite gathering:

1. Have fun being in the same place together. Smile.  It sounds obvious but old habits can bring banging doors and screaming tantrums.
2. Remind yourself that your role as parents has shifted.  You have made changes to your life with them gone and they have had no authority to monitor their behavior or schedule.
3. Say yes more than no. Power struggles are normal. How do you want to handle them?  Think ahead about what punches your buttons.
4. Stay flexible with plans and needs. Say what you want. Negotiate and then let it go.  Walk on....
5. You are still a role model so check in with yourself to see how you are doing and what you are portraying to your children.

You don't need to overdo. You do need to feel good about yourself.

A mom told me she has to rearrange her daughter's room since she has been using it for crafts and reading.  She laughed at remembering how the first month of empty nest she didn't even want to open the door to her daughter's room. She cried too much. Now she still can come to tears but she is finding her new way of life without watching the clock to pick up her daughter at school or go to a weekend track event.

Spring is showing itself. What are you planning for yourself?

Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188 Los Angeles, CA
Private consultations
Support groups
Speaking engagements
Workshops
                                                       

I remember a woman once said to me,"If you don't feel nervous , you aren't really becoming more of who you might be."

 Well, for now, I choose not to be judged on a Red Carpet for how I look or act and yet if I were nominated to walk the Red Carpet,

I would work on accepting my appearance, get expert advice from people I trust, and  fluff off critic opinions. 

Actually, the Red Carpet and I, even though I live in Los Angeles, are not going to be partnering. I love watching the Oscars. It use to be a tradition with my daughter before she went off to college and then built her own life of Oscar and friends.  We had her friends and ours at my home for a fantasy party and a bet of who do you think will win.  Great memory.

I read the stars are going vintage on the Red Carpet this year.  Will they look like those photos I posted?

Do you remember a time you went way out of your comfort zone and still had a good time?

Single mothers and dads have shared with me that they feel uncomfortable going solo to parties .

They see couples hand in hand or chatting away and there they are, standing, looking around or  chatting with strangers, briefly.

We can understand how our children feel trying something new. When they were little, they tantrumed about having to go somewhere new and we still made them go.

Sometimes, don't you think you need a push out the door and a quiet button to push when your head chatters about not going due to awkwardness, fear,
nothing to wear, bad weather, too far to drive or too tired?

So remind yourselves of the times you stopped the chatter, got out the door,and had a great time? No matter what age we are, fear is real and trying something new is awkward.

Are you going to watch the Oscars and who is your vote for best........?

Natalie

Spring is slowly showing herself. Parents have been sharing with me what they look forward to doing for fun. Most feel embarrassed to say it out loud, "I don't really know what I like doing that is simply for fun.  I am such a worker bee, and doer."  Can you relate?

Work is fun so that means shifting your perception about fun.  Getting up and out the door to DO is fun. If the activity enlivens you, it is fun. If you look forward to it, that's fun.

Sitting at a café or park is fun for some. For others, it is boring.

Well you get the idea.  You are on an exploration for fun.  You get to change your mind. You might like something and then not.

At this stage of life, parents remind themselves that not knowing is actually a good thing.  It leaves space for wonderment and coping. Not that we don't know how to cope since we have children who challenge us to keep on with love.

So what comes to mind for you, today, that might be fun?
     1. Arts
     2. Sports
     3. Connecting with people, like your nieces, nephews, old friends from your past, neighbors, social event in your community?
    4. Planning an event at your home
    5. Learning a new skill

One mom shared with me that she loves having her English Breakfast tea and getting to explore what she wants to do that is just for her that Saturday.
One day she rented a bike and helmet, another she wrote love letters at a café, she planted seeds in her garden, she made chalk for gifts, and she went to a travel agent to dream big for one trip in 2010.

Another mom said she has to push herself to not be a hermit.  She decided to make it simple and walk in her neighborhood bundled up looking for signs of spring.  She took photos and emailed them to her relatives who were buried in snow with a note that said, "You could come for a three day visit"

Ask for help when you feel down or isolated.  If you are frustrated that you are always the leader, ask someone else to lead or simply shift and do what comes easily to you, lead so you can have connections and sparks of internal spring.

Email me or leave a comment about what you are thinking would be fun in SPRING.  Are you seeing any signs of spring in your neighborhood?

Take good care,
Natalie