May 2010 Archives

Transitions are explorations and frustrations.  I am often asked, "Why is it so hard to figure out what is next for me?"

You haven't been here before and who you were in the past is a part but not the whole of who you are.  Shift your perception of having to grab answers now and drop into the mystery.  Our world is in an unknown, as well. Ask, what did I use to love to do?  Who did I like spending time with over the years?  What place brings back great memories?  Simply begin to know you again.

1. What is peaking through like in this photo?  What do you have a glimpse of interest in today?

2. What is needed for you to explore your new life?  Support, resources, a push out the door?

3. Who can meet you for coffee and simply focus on you and this question of what is next for you?

4. What do you remember that leaped you out of bed.  Late last night when I was curled under the covers, I saw the full moon beaming through my windows . I grabbed my camera, no shoes, and had to see what I could see and photo.
The photos weren't great but the leap was fun.

5. Play. We forget to play and it ignites us

6. Plan something that nurtures you. Really do it and not just chat about it. I want to go for a massage but I talk myself out of it because it takes time and might not be a great experience, let alone spending the money.

7. If nothing comes to mind and heart, decide to value the life you have right now.  Your life is meaningful.

Have a fun weekend three day weekend.

Send me your questions. Let me know what keeps you up at night.

natalie@emptynestsupport.com

818-763-0188
Los Angeles

Did you think you would feel this way?

A mother called me sobbing, "she will never sleep in her room again and I thought I was prepared for her leaving but I'm a wreck."  She went on to share how beautiful her daughter looked and that she loved picking out the dress and location for the wedding with her.  She continued to share that it is all over and I am here.  She is there. 

Transitions aren't easy. Hugs goodbye are tearful.  Why wouldn't they be when you love the person who had to grow up and move away, even though you are proud and raised them to be independent and loving.

Building towards a major life event is a roller coaster of joy and sadness filled with unending details.  Distractions and celebrations fill your days until you come home and the silence sits in your home. The wedding is over and your little one no longer lives at home or brings friends over for dinner.

Go ahead and cry.  Really.  Cry whenever and wherever the feelings erupt.  I know you feel embarrassed and ridiculous since it was a happy occasion.  Love is love. Loss is loss. Now the mystery begins.  Who are you now?  What do you need?  What will your relationship with your new family bring into your life?  Are these questions that have kept you up at night?  You aren't alone.  Change is inevitable.  You just don't need to isolate or go the road alone.

Rest and enjoy the memories of wedding plans and the beauty of the celebration weekend.   There is no rush for you to stand tall now.  You have never been here before so gentleness and compassion are your two best buds. 

The challenge is she /he is married and now they lead.  You respond.  We will talk more about that later.  I think I just want to touch on part of the tears.  You just aren't sure what your role is nor do you feel solid about holiday traditions, vacations together, asking for what you want and other life style occasions that didn't require negotiating and expanding.

Take care and enjoy all the memories that flood in.

Natalie
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188

Do you worry your children's future will be less happy than parts of your life?   What trees do your children need to climb in order to gather inner resources of independence and kindness? 

As parents, we want our children to give back, be responsible and find a path that is fulfilling, as well as, pays their bills.  I believe they will climb and fall, live a future full of choices that include tears and joys.
The challenge is parents, ALLOWING YOUR ADULT CHILDREN TO LEAD.  Even if you don't think they are, "adults" they are no longer your best friends or little ones.

It is difficult trusting and holding boundaries. Don't you wish someone had spoken that option for you as you were growing up? Trust and boundaries.....

Being a role model , focusing back on what you want for your future life, as well as, everyday life, generates the strength to ask less questions , listen more,  and empower them to keep moving forward.

A mother shared with me that her mistakes were, she was over protective in order to be loved back by her children and not have to feel their pain, and she talked more than really stopping and listening.  She has lightened up on herself because she knows now that she will make mistakes and not die from them.

Her history was one of abandonment emotionally from her parents and care taking her siblings.   She wore the super mom hat and became exhausted, resentful, and lonely.

No matter how many books on parenting we read or conversations we have with parents about our challenges, we will still feel confused and make mistakes. Life is about learning, staying curious, and caring.

Knowing ourselves feeds compassion for our children who might not know what they want to be when they grow up, might not help out as much as we hope they will, and might not check in with us like we ask them to.  LET IT GO.  I know that sounds easier than doing and I know practice helps. Slow down on having conversations full of asking questions about their life.    You want to show you trust them.  Paradox is there are times you need to be in their face.  Pause before you decide which is active right now.

Self - esteem grows from trying something uncomfortable. It is not about the win.  It is about courage and perseverance, don't you think?

What do you imagine for your children's future?  What worries you and gives you happiness?

I have learned to turn off the TV of negative news and violence and turn on beauty and music.

Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com  
818-763-0188

Change is around the corner.  The excitement of planning and celebrating, laughs and tears, leads to great memories and endings.  Fears of no dream jobs or any job, living at home, needing another car, privacy, independence, routines shifting, finances draining, you want solutions and sometimes it is a trial and error before peace arrives. Peace doesn't stick all day or night.  That is unrealistic. Who said you need to abandon all feelings except for happiness?

High school grads closer to leaving and parents wanting a summer connection of meaning before the last.....fill in the blank, enters your days. You are caught in wanting to be a good role model and wanting to cling to the last summer of everyday parenting.   I am sure you can add to the list of things on your mind and feelings in your heart.

Milestones affect the entire family and each reacts in their own way.
Nothing is real until you cross the threshold.

Anticipation, expectations, and needs may magnify past losses. What keeps you awake at night?  How do you cope with the unknown?  How do you treat yourself when you are hurting?

I don't think we spend enough time accepting feelings are simply feelings and you get to have them, anytime and in any place.

They pass. They remind you that you care and are connected with yourself.
Feelings awaken parts of us that may have had to go dormant in order to take care of the life that is in front of us.

Who wouldn't cry when changes sit at your empty kitchen table? Who wouldn't feel exhausted and vulnerable carrying both feelings of pride and loss simultaneously?

Spinning thoughts over and over in your head can become a habit you wish you could break and at other times you need to spin them to sort, to hear yourself, and then become sick of that chatter which shifts your actions.
Grieving, feeling sorry for yourself is normal and that is part of the spinning.

 You might want to remind yourself:
1. You can make a mistake and not melt/disappear, like the Wicked Witch of the North.
2. You have never been here before so pioneering is exhausting.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SOLUTIONS RIGHT NOW.  Be on and in your journey.
4. Ask for help when you need it.  Really do it. Send an email. Pick up the phone.  Vulnerability is beautiful.
5. Plan one thing a week that nurtures you and get it on your calendar.
6. You are the adult. You get to change your mind. You won't be trapped with not liking what you choose.  Walk away.
7. Be extra kind to yourself. Lower your unrealistic expectations of yourself and others.

The photo is a collage.  Don't you think your life is made up of many pictures?

Take good care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

? Private Telephone Consultations
? Speaking engagements
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? Story of the Month

A sweet mother called and said, "Tell me what is going on with me and how to fix it?"  She isn't the only mother in tears or father weeping wondering, how did we get here?  How is it we are empty nesters and sad?  We always knew they would leave home but we did not expect to have sadness so deep.

I, too, went through Empty Nest and now my daughter is a college graduate, living in another city rather than home town.  There are still times I miss the way our relationship was which actually is a reminder to me that there will be moments of missing the mommy call from the other room, the school parties and parent socials, the sports and theater, the school friends studying over here and staying for dinner, the looking for the special dress and so much more.  We miss what we love.  Being a mom is like no other hat I wear and you mom, or dad, know it is a bond and commitment you love and hate at times.  What I hope you remember is, IT IS NORMAL TO MISS WHO YOU LOVE. IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL VULNERABLE AND SAD.  We just never heard people talk about this sadness or how they coped or what changed for them in positive ways.  Vulnerability about family feelings seem to be private and they don't have to stay behind the curb.

I wish I could tell you three ways to fix the sudden tears, inertia, checking over and over for an email, text, or phone message, worry, wondering , What's Next for you.  There isn't a road map or rule book. There is support so you don't have to go through the journey alone.  There is a joy and freedom on the other side of grief.

Empty nest is unique because there is no family like yours.

It helps to:

• Not compare yourself to others who don't want to get together for support or they don't even talk about it.
• Let yourself cry wherever and whenever the feelings rise
• Be compassionate with yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a sad best friend. Get nurtured.
• Begin over time, to look at all your relationships and ask what do you want to shift or delete or get support to understand.
• Remember what you loved to do before children.
• What kind of child were you in school and what did you do after the school bell rang and the day was over.
• How are you with boundaries?
• Do you ask for help when you are feeling vulnerable or only for tasks that need to be completed?
• What kind of personality do you have these days?  Leader, observer, thinker, dancer, sporty, elegant, seeker, organizer, behind the scenes, groupie or solo type?

Empty nest is a journey and not a timeline. Some do better being busy. Some need to ponder and be.  You get to change your mind.

"Mom, Dad, I'll be right back."  Be right back stretches to whenever they can make it back home.  They lead more and more and that is one of the KEY CHALLENGES.  You, the parents are use to guiding and leading them.  They kicked you out of that seat.  Remodel time. Not so comfortable replacing that seat.

Love the good job and mistakes you made in parenting.  No one wants to live a life of perfection because it diminishes curiosity and compassion.  Give it up.  You are going to continue to make mistakes and so are your children.   Baby steps and falling, remember that stage...well we visit it over and over.

I think we spend more time on thinking about what we have to get over, fix, change, let go of, than we do loving right where we are this moment.  I for sure know that is easier said than done and I keep the window open for me.

Look around and right now see something that catches your eye.  What is it?  How long can you notice it?  There are ways to shift when we really feel we have to shift.  Look around. Let something catch you and take your attention for a moment as a refresher.

Be gentle with yourself.  You have done the best you knew how to do and you will always be their parents just in a different role and relationship.  Let yourself learn.

Life is complex with tears and beauty just like the photo of the flower....

Natalie
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Featured in Time Magazine, Lifetime Radio for Women, Better Homes and Gardens, Associated Press, Washington Post , N. Y. Times,  Chicago Tribune, and more

Congratulations to all of you!

Tips of the Day. "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer.
 

1. Carry extra Kleenex. I passed out cotton handkerchiefs to my immediate family while we were waiting for the ceremony to begin.

2. Bring throw away cameras and give them to others so you can simply enjoy the moment and not be in charge of capturing it with photos and video. 

3. Snacks for sure

4. Give short specific stories while toasting the graduate. Share memories and future hopes for them.   Even if you are shy, gear up and do it.  They will remember and appreciate you. You will too.

5.  You could gift everyone at the celebration meal with a photo, or CD of one or two songs that has upbeat words about the day.  I gave HEAVENLY DAY by Patty Griffin.  I knew the graduate loved that song.

6.  Make it happen...a group photo. Put someone in charge of that detail.

7. Dance. Sing.  Even if you never do that, do it for yourself and the graduate.  You don't get this day back.  Go for the fun.

8.  If you can't stop crying which might surprise you, start counting everyone around you who is holding a camera.  It shifts you. Tears are good. Tears all day, not so good.

9.  Embrace everyone. Your ex-partner and their family are all part of who the graduate is today, even if you never witnessed that.

10. You'll be talking about this day forever.   We still laugh about the rain, the songs being off pitch, the great stories people shared and of course, that moment of your child walking across the stage in the cap and gown and you standing and cheering.

"Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart, was taking away its dream---whatever that dream might be." Pearl S. Buck writer

Have fun celebrating,
Natalie
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support.
www.emptynestsupport.com
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 Los Angeles
- Private telephone consultations
- Speaking Engagements
- Workshops
- Support Groups
- Active website community of support

Graduation is around the corner.

Time to build a new community and support for this major life transition.

• How do you discover what is uniquely next for you?
• Are the thoughts and feelings you are having, "normal?"
• Does your relationship need an over haul , course correction, or ending?
• How do you build a healthy adult relationship with your children?
• Who are you beyond parent?

These are some of the topics we explore. 

Groups are small in order for everyone to have time to share and get support.
Email lists are exchanged after the first meeting.

For more information, email Natalie@emptynestsupport.com Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get support.

Empty Nest Support Services has been featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Associated Press, Lifetime Radio For Women, L.A. Times, Better Homes And Gardens, Radio, Washington Post, and other media.  Natalie has traveled the empty nest road and discovered there is a new freedom and joy on the other side of the grieving for a role that instantly changes in parenting.

Congratulations, Parents. You gave your children, enough love, so they can fly.

Take care,
Natalie

The photo is faded but the memory is vibrant.  Do you have photos you revisit from your early days of being a new mom?

My daughter asked me," What was the scariest part of being a new mom?"  I told her driving home, sitting in the back seat of the car with her next to me in the car seat, dad driving.  The reality buckled me, I AM A MOM.  I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS LITTLE PERSON'S SAFETY AND LIFE.

When did the reality of being someone's mom come to you?

I love looking at photos. I just put up a metal bar with clips in the hallway, so I could have a gallery of photos.  It is fun to change them, easily, and to share them.  I don't do scrapbooks or albums like I did the first year of her life.  I haven't even scanned all the photos into my
computer.   

How do you preserve your photos?

We did a party where you match the photo of mom and daughter.  That might be fun for MOTHER'S DAY if someone does it for you or if you do have a gathering and everyone brings some photos.

What early things have you saved?  In my closet I have the soft navy short gown I bought and wore in the hospital and the white lacy breast feeding top I wore at home.  I can't believe I still have them.  I even have the tape measure the nurse used to measure my large pregnant belly while I was having contractions.  It is torn but a piece remains.  Memory of birthing doesn't fade.  Natural child birth, hum...would you do it again?

Share memories you visit when you were a new mom? 

Happy Mother's Day,
Natalie
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188

In celebration of baby boomers , parenting, grand parenting, aunting, empty nesters , and those about to empty their nest, let's  say who you are!

I have inner strength and compassion, frosted in humor and caked in curiosity.  What would you say you have? Don't be shy about naming it.

Here is what other mothers told me:
• Friendly
• Beautiful thanks to my ancestors
• Silly
• Sexy
• Care taker and love it
• Responsible
• Dancer and singer within
• Forgiving
• Generous
• Spunky
• Seeker of authenticity
• Gourmet cook, lousy cleaner
• Quirky thank goodness
• Geek to my kids
• Hugger and kisser
• Vulnerable and getting in shape for a marathon
• Productive and smart, thick in the middle
• Hard worker and flexible
• Painter and Kleenex holder for my sick kids
• Independent and sentimental
• Problem solver and leader
• Tennis player and taking no sides at home with the family arguments
• Headstrong and weepy

Over time different words surface of who you are.  I believe we have many parts to us like the rooms of our home and the sounds of the orchestra.  Some parts stay dormant until the space and silence of empty nest gives us depth to dive.  How you view diving and what you find, is what keeps you afloat.  We all have memories of terribly challenging times, as frequent as last night.  What inner parts of you rise, again, even in tears? How do you care for yourself?

I don't think we make time to acknowledge who we are as mothers and women.  Humans, who are just doing the best we can, and hoping for happiness and meaning.

Giving, for some, blooms happiness.  Being busy, quieting your inner critic by stopping it from going on and on, getting outside, celebrating  good memories, making plans with others,  speaking up about your needs and feelings, art, travel, community, work, reading, praying, feeds happiness.  Happiness is mothering and for some the shift in their role of mothering less, is a freedom they didn't know they longed to  experience.  Once a mother, always a mother. There are times you wish you could not be the responsible, being there when they call, and instead on a Tuesday or Saturday,  be the receiver of the good parts of your children that their friends get have.

When did you experience those happy moments with your children?  What do you look forward to in the mothering role?  Do you have memories of being at peace as a mother, woman and human?

Reflection is healing and igniting.

It only takes ten minutes of your week.  Dive in and reminisce on the beauty and dedication you give as MOTHER.  Maybe dance it, draw it, sing it, walk it, as a different form of expression.  Words might not be your form of expression this week.  Play outside.  Last week I walked to our neighborhood part and jumped on a swing.  In my head I sang, "I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

Mothers are earth and wings, anchors and ladders.

Keepers of WELCOME HOME.
                                                                                                                            
What do you, MOTHER, need today? 

We are always building a community.  Let us know how you are doing and what you need.

Happy celebrations,
Natalie

Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
www.emptynestsupport.com
Featured in Time Magazine, N.Y. Times, USA TODAY, Chicago Tribune, Lifetime Radio for Women, L.A. Times, Washington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, Associated Press, and more