A sweet mother called and said, "Tell me what is going on with me and how to fix it?" She isn't the only mother in tears or father weeping wondering, how did we get here? How is it we are empty nesters and sad? We always knew they would leave home but we did not expect to have sadness so deep.
I, too, went through Empty Nest and now my daughter is a college graduate, living in another city rather than home town. There are still times I miss the way our relationship was which actually is a reminder to me that there will be moments of missing the mommy call from the other room, the school parties and parent socials, the sports and theater, the school friends studying over here and staying for dinner, the looking for the special dress and so much more. We miss what we love. Being a mom is like no other hat I wear and you mom, or dad, know it is a bond and commitment you love and hate at times. What I hope you remember is, IT IS NORMAL TO MISS WHO YOU LOVE. IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL VULNERABLE AND SAD. We just never heard people talk about this sadness or how they coped or what changed for them in positive ways. Vulnerability about family feelings seem to be private and they don't have to stay behind the curb.
I wish I could tell you three ways to fix the sudden tears, inertia, checking over and over for an email, text, or phone message, worry, wondering , What's Next for you. There isn't a road map or rule book. There is support so you don't have to go through the journey alone. There is a joy and freedom on the other side of grief.
Empty nest is unique because there is no family like yours.
It helps to:
• Not compare yourself to others who don't want to get together for support or they don't even talk about it.
• Let yourself cry wherever and whenever the feelings rise
• Be compassionate with yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a sad best friend. Get nurtured.
• Begin over time, to look at all your relationships and ask what do you want to shift or delete or get support to understand.
• Remember what you loved to do before children.
• What kind of child were you in school and what did you do after the school bell rang and the day was over.
• How are you with boundaries?
• Do you ask for help when you are feeling vulnerable or only for tasks that need to be completed?
• What kind of personality do you have these days? Leader, observer, thinker, dancer, sporty, elegant, seeker, organizer, behind the scenes, groupie or solo type?
Empty nest is a journey and not a timeline. Some do better being busy. Some need to ponder and be. You get to change your mind.
"Mom, Dad, I'll be right back." Be right back stretches to whenever they can make it back home. They lead more and more and that is one of the KEY CHALLENGES. You, the parents are use to guiding and leading them. They kicked you out of that seat. Remodel time. Not so comfortable replacing that seat.
Love the good job and mistakes you made in parenting. No one wants to live a life of perfection because it diminishes curiosity and compassion. Give it up. You are going to continue to make mistakes and so are your children. Baby steps and falling, remember that stage...well we visit it over and over.
I think we spend more time on thinking about what we have to get over, fix, change, let go of, than we do loving right where we are this moment. I for sure know that is easier said than done and I keep the window open for me.
Look around and right now see something that catches your eye. What is it? How long can you notice it? There are ways to shift when we really feel we have to shift. Look around. Let something catch you and take your attention for a moment as a refresher.
Be gentle with yourself. You have done the best you knew how to do and you will always be their parents just in a different role and relationship. Let yourself learn.
Life is complex with tears and beauty just like the photo of the flower....
Natalie
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Featured in Time Magazine, Lifetime Radio for Women, Better Homes and Gardens, Associated Press, Washington Post , N. Y. Times, Chicago Tribune, and more
Leave a comment