November 2010 Archives

How many parents and baby boomers do you think are saying, "I AM NOT GOING to do all that shopping, cooking and having house guests next year for Thanksgiving? I am exhausted and feel unappreciated."  Well, I can tell you I received calls and emails from empty nesters and boomers with that message after drop offs at airports and kitchen counters were wiped down from the last morsel of vegan stuffing and sausage stuffing.

Don't expect to get to the bigger picture, like that of a view from your room, until your TEARS DROP, sore back and feet stop throbbing and you release, by telling your story of this year's Thanksgiving.  

No matter how much you tell yourself FAMILY matters, FRIENDSHIPS matter, and TRADITIONS must live on, when you feel over spent and disappointed, you can't see life with a view. You notice:

? Kids don't clean the kitchen every time they eat.
? They drink and talk too loud.
? They never ask about your life.
? They don't make their bed the way you would.
? Partners don't clean enough.
? Partners don't anticipate what is needed next.
? Parents visiting parents roll their eyes at how the grandchildren behave or don't behave.
? Friends drop by when you want them to keep on driving since you just put all the food away.
? The hot water heater won't crank out anymore warmth.
? Meaningful conversations get interrupted with needs.
? Thank you feels like sleep walking.
? And your pants are now too tight.

The BIGGER PICTURE is the chaos; the smells of rosemary and fireplaces, and the climbing into bed, knowing everyone got time with each other under one roof.  The bigger, bigger picture is you get to change traditions after you see and feel the view, and the bigger, bigger, bigger picture is, everyone has EXPECTATIONS of happy holidays, HOPES FOR LOVE, tears of LOSSES, and the need for real connections with people who hold your history and appreciate YOU BEING PART of their life.

I can't tell you how many people share with me that they just AREN'T THEMSELVES around holidays and family.  They get quiet. They talk too much because they are nervous.  They feel competitive for praise and brilliance.

They make mistakes that hurt people.  They have moments of fun and laughter during game time and talking about how great the food is this year. They gossip because they don't know what else to do. They feel unattractive and judged.  Left out of conversations like when they were younger.  Under appreciated because they didn't ask for help nor were able to let go of what Thanksgiving needs to look like.  Some carry tears that this could be the last holiday together or they miss loved ones who have died.  I am sure you can add to this list of what is true for you during Thanksgiving without any effort.  We have so many parts to ourselves like the queen, the athlete, the organizer, the brain, the chef, the philosopher, and inner voices that aren't Grammy winning sounds and instead are needy, critical, perfectionist, or destructive. The reality of what is NOW gets stormy.

One child shared with me that he loves the family and WALKS ON EGG SHELLS when he comes home from college.  He can't get into being around authority and siblings, and yet, is excited when he first walks in the house and feels the safety of home and having no school or social responsibilities.

He said it so sweetly, " IT IS AS IF I HAVEN'T GROWN UP at all or at least I feel that way when I come back home.  I shrink and disappoint.  I know they love me and I love them. It just gets messed up."

Until next Thanksgiving, may memories remind you what matters and what doesn't, so you can get to your bigger picture and have a room with a view.

Take good care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com

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Parents, Boomers, Singles, Married, and Children, have shared with me over the weeks that they all love pie and gravy.  What they miss are people who aren't around the table. All agreed tears and laughs will both show up throughout the house.

- Here is how some will celebrate:
- Pictionary game
- Football in the yard
- Everyone in the kitchen chopping and remembering to get the rolls out of the refrigerator
- Music
- Dancing like a fool
- Wine and apple cider
- A treasure hunt
- Saying what they are grateful for this year
- Hopes of tomorrow

- Movies and popcorn
- Photos where you least expect to be seen and on a camera
- Driving with books on tape
- Serving meals at shelters
- Going to the movies
- Shopping Friday
- Long walks bundled up in mittens and scarves
- Making art
- Calling loved ones with a box of Kleenex in hand

Where ever you are and no matter who you are with or without, remember the
sweet times, nurture yourself, be proud of who you are and honor that life
is a mystery held in the arms of YOU MATTER. 

Each day is a new that allows you to love the life you have and keep moving forward with the hopes you dream.

Love includes loss and disappointments.

Take good care,
Natalie

Amy called to talk about the holidays and her children.  She knows herself well as a mother with traditions.  She doesn't know who she is when holidays fall apart. This year, Thanksgiving, to her, is falling apart.  The children cannot come home.  One is going to the in laws.  Her daughter is going to stay at a friend's from college and bring her boyfriend there.  Cost and time influenced her decision.  Reality is, she wants to be with her boyfriend this year. He can't afford a ticket nor can anyone pay for him.  Ouch for mom and dad!. 

When you get disappointed, you get to cry and grieve that traditions aren't solid anymore.  Children leave, which of course you hope for, and at the same time, you want to be with them on the holidays.  You don't like it but CHILDREN LEAD NOW.   The more you give them the empowerment to make choices, the more they mature.  The more you don't demand, the more they long for you.  Even those ideas aren't solid.
So what is solid?

You make plans for yourself.  You focus on your new self and role.  Your motivation is to love and not limit or guilt. Be the role model you would want to see in life.

Here are some ideas to ease the pain. Pain is very real. You have to shift your role and perceptions, just when you hoped your children would be around the Thanksgiving Table. You hurt when others have their plans, their children at home, and you don't.

1. Choose another time to share Thanksgiving meal and traditions of football or games or asking, "IS THE TURKEY DONE YET?"
2. Invite someone over for dinner and do a pot luck.
3. Serve at a community shelter.
4. Go out for Turkey dinner.
5. Tell the children it is not negotiable to not connect with them that day.
6. Lower your expectation that they will remember to call, so ask when would be a good time to call so you don't interrupt their plans.
7. Cry when you need to cry.  You don't have to figure out the tears, just let them fall.  Means you love when you cry.
8. Take a drive into nature for the day.
9. Remind yourself of all the wonderful memories you have .
10. Rent videos before Thursday.
11. Read the book you always wanted to read and shift your perception that you are "abandoned" and now, you are free to do what you want this year of Thanksgiving.  Not easy for sure...baby steps 
12. Light candles and bring in food.
13. Play uplifting music.
14. Ask yourself if you really love the holiday or the tradition of gathering?  Do you think you did it for years for the children and have a part of you that is released from the TO DO LIST?
15. Volunteer, if you have the energy, reading to children, food pantry, soup kitchen, drop off food for FIREMAN.
16. Ask for photos of their day that they can email to you when they get a chance.
17. Share a recipe with them a week before. Send it by email It doesn't matter if they use it, it matters that you did something you wanted to do.
18. Remember the humor from past holidays when you forgot to serve the rolls that you left in the refrigerator.  You forgot to turn on the oven.  No one picked up the pies.  You had five apple pies from pot luck and no green beans.
19. Send a tin of cookies if you love baking.
20. Be gentle with yourself.  Change happens even if you don't choose it.

May the holidays open you to remembering the good of your life and the tears that heal.

Natalie

Planning for Thanksgiving is just beginning.  Talk of recipes and traditions that are changing.  Boomers think about getting out of town and not cooking anymore and yet they love the smell of apple pie at home. 

What are you planning?  Do you need to shift traditions and write a new?

One family didn't have much family around, as in the past, so they went to a restaurant. As Leslie said, "Why didn't we do this last year?  Fun and not lonely"? 

Sometimes changing traditions brings memories and tears.  Why wouldn't you cry?

Another family changed the traditional day to accommodate in laws and travel schedules.  They celebrated the week before Thanksgiving.  What will you be doing?

What is your favorite food at Thanksgiving?

Have fun visiting memories and building new ones, Natalie

Hi there,

I have a great story to inspire you.  You would do the same for me.

I really wanted something. Sorry I can't name it.  I promised.  I called three days in a row with no call back or email.

I was heading to the airport and called again.

I asked for what I wanted and acknowledged it was a favor and not what they usually do.  I acknowledged how busy I know they are and paused with the last words being, "I would really appreciate the favor."

He said, let me check.  "Yes, I am happy to do that for you."  I said what it meant to me and thanked him deeply for making this happen for me.

The point of my sharing the happy story is, KEEP GOING.  APPRECIATE what you do have and what you dream to have for yourself.  You get to ask. You get to persevere. 

You get to be happy.

No promises.  No happiness all the time.  When you do feel happy , pass it on.

Have some fun,
Natalie

PS Share with us your happy times......

A baby boomer, empty nester mother, so sweetly said to me, "I want to be
above the blues."   When I showed her this photo, she cried. 

She talked about wanting to be held, nested in safety where she would be fine and her college son, with special needs, out there in the world without her arms, would be fine. She wanted to feel that sweet scent of a blooming flower that offers such hope. White makes her feel young, alive, and full of options.

As we continue to talk in our session, she remembered how she would climb her favorite tree and just sit there...looking, seeing things she couldn't see from the ground.

She wants to be above the blues.  She wants to be above and see out to the more of life.  Who doesn't want that perspective?

Isn't she so articulate with her deep feelings even though she feels alone in them.  Her guilt attacks her that there really isn't a problem. She has a home, a life, a family, good health, friends, work. 

Feelings are real.

Feelings don't need reasons or comparisons.  She is brave to feel and speak them.  She forgot she gets to feel whatever feelings she is feeling without comparing herself to others or the world issues.

Her child has good support at college.  She knows she has done the best she can.  Still worry is normal.  Changes for the entire family just happened.

Leap of trust, now.  He will call if there is a problem.  He will call when he is happy.  She will find her new happy when she finds it.  Today she has the blues and wants to be above.

What did you like to do when you were a child?
Where do you wish you could be when you have the blues?

Take good care,
Natalie