August 2011 Archives

Across the country, hugs goodbye, cheers and tears, are marking the roads. The number one relief parents share with me is, "Thank goodness I am not alone with my new feelings. I thought I was being over sensitive and selfish."  Who doesn't need support when walking a place you have never been before and you aren't sure where you are heading?

There are different stages of empty nest.  Each person shifts and discovers in their style.  Keep that soft aloe Kleenex in arms reach.

Some leap and are thrilled with the lack of responsibilities.  Others grieve for both a short and long stretch of time for the role they loved and know has changed.

Singles have different longings and married wonder how their relationship will weather the lack of children at home.

Wives and husbands grieve differently, so their rhythm of let's get going needs awareness.
Children out of their bedroom are excited and anxious about their new responsibilities and dreams. They honestly miss the anchor that home provides, even if they don't express it.

School community is lost and therefore, connections and relationships for adults change.

One tip for this change is, let go of your perfection.  You will make mistakes.  You are sitting in a new room, vacant. Explore your expectations and then have a reality chat with yourself and others who understand this transition.

Celebrate all you are and have given.

You leap into what's next and the challenges. You forget to celebrate you.  You did it.  You helped your child enter a dream on their wish list, as well as, a dream you probably had for them.

I like writing a letter to myself and then reading it out loud.  No one is in the room when I read it... a little awkward to praise myself out loud." What I appreciate about being a parent is that I..." Hope you make the short time to really sit and acknowledge yourself.  Gift yourself in some way that nurtures you.  One mom shared she didn't pick up the phone for a day unless Caller ID showed a true need, like her kids.

You will find your new way of meaning and joy. You will learn how to build an adult relationship with your children.  For today, be who you are and meet yourself right there without the critic or pusher in the room.

List what you loved to do after school in high school.  What do you like to watch on TV?  What is your favorite movie? Where do you like to travel?  Who do you respect?  Who would you love to visit? Where would you like to mentor?  Where would you like to work for a day? 

There are clues for what's next. Let yourself be on a gentle hunt.  I was surprised at the parts of me that emerged when my space and time opened: writer, photographer, media expert. I already had gardening, hiking, speaker, facilitator, entertainer, and travel in my boots.    I didn't have my daughter in the next room. I for sure had my immobile and tearful days and days, at unexpected moments.  My partner was there for me and his experience was different than mine.

If you haven't walked the empty nest, you really don't get it.  Then there is the phrase, empty nest, which is trivial, but we don't have a new one, yet.  What would you name it?

I am so happy in my new role as mother and in my new life with such freedom that I didn't even know I longed for.  How could I have been so devoted to being a role model and parent if I wanted to fly away so often?

Thank goodness I didn't have the longing then.  I loved my career, not every day, but it was a great match for me.  I got burned out, frustrated, hurt, confused and joyful with parenting.  Great teacher for me, being a parent!  I am still learning in this new adult relationship with her and with my four nephews.

I am passionate about helping parents through this major transition because I live it and have been fortunate to learn so much from the thousands of parents across the country who wonder what's it all about, this emptiness?

Take good care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188, Los Angeles, CA
natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
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Melissa hugged her daughter at the college dorm, got in the rental car, and wept all the way to the airport. The tears surprised her.

When you go through even an expected change, the reality settles in your heart when you wave goodbye.

Parents know the relationship they had will be different.  They aren't sure what their role will be and that is unsettling.

For a while you might not have been the go to person or the number one with your children . They might have been your number one, which doesn't imply you didn't have "a life."

No guilt or judgment about your relationship.  You did the best you could at the time.  Truth is, most parents would drop what they were doing if their child needed them no matter what age or stage.

Grieving the role you lived as parent is unique, based on your relationship with yourself and your child.  All parents feel the shift of this milestone.  Comparing yourself to how your friends or others are doing in this transition of life doesn't honor who you are right now.

There  are many moments you are relieved at not addressing your child's needs or schedule, but that has nothing to do with love, deep love.

When you love someone and can't have time with them, you miss them.

Empty nest is a time of honoring all you gave. Reminiscing what you love about parenting and what you won't miss.

You could write a letter to yourself , " I appreciate the way I...   I honestly won't miss the way I had to...."  You will find your words.  Fifteen minutes of writing is healing.

Feelings are vulnerable and can be unavailable. Thoughts come more naturally, spinning us with pictures we make in our head, or leaping ahead to the "what ifs"...  Comfort comes in a smorgasbord. Get to know yourself day by day. Leave the judgment.  With every thought and feeling there is a gift and curse while walking changes.  Maybe you can practice holding both," the gift of my spinning with thoughts is... the curse of it is...."  Empty nest gives permission to know yourself in new ways. Your two constant friends are compassion and curiosity.

Even if you have gone through this before, when the last child leaves, you weep.
Career, married, single, all weep when the house emptiness of your child and their friends.
Community is lost.
School days are over.
You long for new meaning and connections.
You want your child to call.

I know, as an empty nest mom, that life does get happy and fun.  Parents across the country have shared their journey with me and I am honored to hold their stories. Change doesn't travel in a straight line. You don't, "Get it," and then life is wonderful.

You feel your feelings whenever and wherever they pop up.

Some parents take time to be. Some leap into action. 

The biggest challenge I hear is , "What do I want to do that will be fulfilling, how do I grow a new relationship with my kids that respects me and respects them, and I'm not sure I am that into my partner anymore, which scares me."

Change means you are in the unknown. You have never been at this stage of life before. There will be people who say, "Get over it. Your child isn't gone forever. Get a life. People have it worse than you do."  Well, I am sure you have read or heard the comments.  You be true to you.

Make friends with not knowing the answers, yet.  That could sound and feel like, " I don't know what I want to do with my free time and I do know I can get help.  I'm frustrated today, but that won't last forever.  I am so sad, but who wouldn't be when you miss someone you love?"

 You have heard the lists of what people added to their life:
 Travel
 Volunteer
 Visiting people they didn't have time to see before
 Hobbies
 New careers
 Mentoring
 Learning a new language
 Working part time
 Piano lessons
 Organic gardening
 Book groups
 Dating
 Dancing
 Cooking classes
 Golf
 Tennis
 Swimming
 Yoga
 Meditation
 Prayer
 Walking
 Water colors

What you might not have heard is you have done enough and you do enough. Trial and error for the next spark.  Begin and leave.  Adults forget they get to go somewhere and leave for whatever reason comes up for them. Yes, give it a try and at the same time , honor when the place, activity , or people aren't a match for you at this time.  Keep going.  Keep going.  I say that louder because our mind tends to trick us into the voice of, "I will never find something or someone.  I will always be alone or left out of the fun of life." 

Find support. Ask for help. You would be surprised how many people wish they had called one friend or someone in the community who would hear them right where they are today.

If you don't have someone, find websites where there is a community so you don't feel alone. Friendships end. Relationships end. Career changes.  Begin some connection somewhere which could be at a bookstore, museum, art opening, café, religious setting, walking, etc. when you are ready. 

If you aren't ready, check in with yourself and ask, "Do I need to get out anyhow, or do I need to be for today?" 

There are so many stories I could share. So here is one.

A mother didn't want to commit here time to anything, yet.  She did want something that made her feel needed and engaged.

Cooking worked.  She would surprise a neighbor with comfort food, one dish. Once she called me and told me she didn't really know the neighbor well, except for an occasional wave or hello.

The fresh fruit with banana bread turned out to be a way to feel more connected in her neighborhood and still have her free time.

No she didn't want to start a business or do this scheduled.  She cooked and gave when she felt like it.

Wishing you time for being good to yourself and a building of inner trust that you will feel happiness and meaning.

Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 or 818-763-0188 Los Angeles CA

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

-Private Telephone Consultations
-Speaking engagements
-Online classes
-Support groups
-Workshops
-Free active message board - connect with others
-Story of the Month
-Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
-Los Angeles, CA

Back to school is not only new beginnings for parents and students, but for anyone who feels the end of playful summer and the hope for more meaning, connection, and creativity in the Fall.

Questions about relationships, finances, work, parenting, illness, care-taking, re-locating, wellness, and fun, rise up.

I just want to let you know we are forming new support groups for all transitions, whether that is empty nest, re-invention, divorce, loss, illness, retirement, marriage, etc.  Transitions include celebrations. What you might not know is, even joy, shakes your bones because you have not been in that space before.

In my happy years of speaking with thousands of people across the country about transitions, the number one question I am asked is, AM I NORMAL?

Surprise in exploring your feelings and options is you only ask yourself one time, WHAT'S NEXT FOR ME?  Research shows, five times asking that question, WHAT'S NEXT FOR ME, integrates and allows you to deepen to different parts of yourself that carry wisdom.

Parts of you had to go dormant.  During a transition, you are invited to meet new selves. What part needs attention?  What needs a shift of perception?  What needs a goodbye? What are your gifts and challenges? What is your most comfortable emotion?  What compliments have people said to you over the years?

When people gather with curiosity and compassion, seated with the intention to openness, as well as, focus, change appears.

Call for more information about support groups or email:
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Toll free, 800-446-3310 Los Angeles, CA Pacific time.

I reinvented my career. When you read my list on my website of life transitions, you will relate to why I am passionate about support for changing times. I know the value of being heard, supported, and met right where you are. One tool, can lift you because it is something you never thought of before. One new friend, can hold your hand as you step up or weep.

Looking forward to connecting with you,

Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Online classes
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Free active message board - connect with others
- Story of the Month
- Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
- Los Angeles, CA