October 2011 Archives

Who doesn't fall in tears and laughter about their life?  Transitions bring reflections.  Nothing lasts forever and that includes friendships.

Differences pop up with partners, friends, parents, children, siblings, colleagues.  When people share their loss of friends and their want to lose them, they feel embarrassed. Embarrassed like a divorce. They feel they failed because they couldn't stay happy with their friend.  They feel unwanted when the phone doesn't ring and they have no plans for the week.  Solo time feels like a punishment rather than a gift. Truth is, more people than you know, want to wave goodbye and break up with a friend. More people than you know didn't live the life the world imaged for them.

So what is the gift and the curse of what happened and didn't happen in your life?

1. You get to begin again.
2. You get to change your mind. You are an adult and earned the badge.
3. You see new perspectives about who you are and who you aren't.
4. You practice forgiveness of self then others.
5. You gather new resources that you now need.
6. You weep and don't drown and weep again.
7. You become more of who you want to be now.
8. You walk with compassion and curiosity in ways you never imagined.
9. New is good. Awkward is normal.
10.  Unknown is actually a fresh location in your heart.

What helps in the unknown is to take the hand of not knowing and hold it with the hand of what you do know.  Become friends with both.  Not everything you think is true.  Open and be in wonderment.

A woman shared with me during a telephone consultation that she couldn't believe at her age, she had to start over.   Funds were OK, but less than two years ago.  She was going through divorce after a seventeen year marriage. 

Her girlfriends seemed in another world than hers.  Her children were in college. She works, but not fulfilled.   You can tell the losses were bringing up self-doubt and self-criticism.  It seems we get in a habit of down grading ourselves rather than compassion.

We just don't know where to turn or how to begin with a list of transitions. She will have to move. Her house cleanup is a pile of memories.  She decided to pick one new thing that would help her during the week.  For her, it was writing a goal for each day.

She realized the overwhelm of a long to do list and the sorrow made her scattered.  She also added something to look forward to during the week and wrote that down.

Each of us learns more about ourselves when walking changes.  My hope is you never forget to be gentle with yourself and reach out to someone for help.
Take good care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, HUFFINGTON POST, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
 
- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Online classes
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Free active message board - connect with others
- Story of the Month
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- Los Angeles, CA

1. You never call. Shift that to, I would love to get an email, text, or call from you even it is short. I know you are busy.

2. You always wait to the last minute. Judgment distances us from those we love. They know they procrastinate. Shift to; you know your style of getting things done. Do you think it would be difficult to change that?

3. You go see them and not us anymore. Shift to; it must be hard to juggle all the people you want to be with. I hope we get lunch or dinner together. Let me know when you know your plans. It matters to me that we get time together.

4. You always want me to drop what I am doing and do for you. Shift to; I think you forget that my role in your life has changed, just as your role with me is different. This is a simple statement with a pause for them to take that in, again and again, as a reminder that you are changing into seeing each other more as woman and less as mother. Yes, you will always be their mother and with a new role in their life.

5. You are mean to me. Shift to, I feel like you treat your friends better than you treat me and that hurts. They get the best moods of you. I get the angry, grumpy, attacking moods dumped on me with all your frustrations of life. I would like to have some of your happy, positive side when we are together.

Truth is, there are no magic ways to have a positive impact on those we love and there are ways that keep the door open. Timing matters and whether they are open or closed to changing, which you have nothing to do with. You can only say what you need to say and then let it go. It doesn't have to be perfect.

It does help to think before you speak which is easier said than done when the wounds keep getting bumped. Sometimes you need to be loud, angry, demanding. As always, I will be the one to remind you that you need to hold paradoxes, for example, yes, that is true, and this is true as well. Key is the word, "and" which keeps your mind and heart open to newness and compassion.

Communication is a skill. Email me how your communication is going with your children.

What is difficult when speaking with them?

Take care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

-Private Telephone Consultations
-Speaking engagements
-Online classes
-Support groups
-Workshops
-Free active message board - connect with others
-Story of the Month
-Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
-Los Angeles, CA