December 2011 Archives

If you don't call on the holidays, you don't get the love.

A mom shared with me that she makes too many excuses for her kids not calling during the holidays. 

They are busy.  They are kids who of course forget. 

Do you make excuses for your kids during the holidays?  One year she called them so she wouldn't be resentful.  Now she wants to let that go.  Her decision was, if they don't call, I will not extend this year. 

Does the age of the kids matter?   Her children are in their late twenties and won't be home for the holidays. 

Are you curious to see what really happens with mother not chatting with her kids?

What would you do or what have you done?

Happy celebrations,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
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When do mothers stop directing, by the judging eye or words, about what their children are wearing?

"Put on some lipstick, you look pale. Your shoes are filthy. Don't you have an iron?  You can't wear jeans to Aunt Kelly's."

What words have you heard about how you dress during holiday gatherings?
Is it a dress up time or not in your family?

You know, and if you still want some advice, ASK the host, which could be your mom or dad; do you care what I wear this year?  Why have your holiday stressed by how you look. 

Ask. You can send a text or email first.

Have fun,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
 
- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Mentoring
- Facebook, Linked In, Twitter

Last thing you think of doing when in a transition and feeling out of control is to meditate. Yet, a voice nags at you saying, "It could help."

I am asked during workshops and private sessions, "How do I meditate when I am so restless?"  My answer may surprise you.

 ...Close your eyes and simply get quiet.

I put myself in a place where I AM HERE NOW WITH MYSELF.   I am breathing. I am sinking down within myself.    Some quiet times are soft, relaxing, and others, restless.

Believe it or not, it is easier for me to say yes to meditating, when I am, "Praying" for someone else.  Maybe it is easier because my intention for that quiet time has a concrete purpose, helping someone else.

I have been practicing since 1979, first in classes, which means a lot of years of different ways to connect within. Sometimes I don't sense, see or feel anything. Nothing happens.  Bottom line for me is it takes practice.  I think five minutes to be still is a priority in a day.  I got better at not being so attached to what should, could, or needs to happen in my quiet times. 

Changes happen when I get quiet. Sometimes I ask a question: "What do you want me to know today?  What is happiness?  What do I need to open to today?  What have I ignored?  So, those are examples of word entries to go within. 

Other days, I use no words, I breathe in and out seven times and slowly, sometimes only four times.  There are days, I simply sit and close my eyes and say NOW.  As you can tell, it depends on my mood and intention for stillness.  I am practicing ,no matter how many years or times I have gotten quiet, I know it is a practice and not a, "sure thing," for anything, except that I am with me.

I ALWAYS FEEL BETTER, no matter what I am saying or doing, when I take time to close my eyes and drop within.  ALWAYS.  In the beginning of my practices, I went down stairs as an image of going within. I saw stairs in my imagination and if I didn't see them, I faked it. I counted down. I stepped down. 

Other practices I used was to open my eyes, light a candle and look at the flame, breathing consciously  with no words, BEING PRESENT with what was right in front of me.  Today, it is much easier to be present with a person or activity in the moment because I have practiced.  It starts with being present with me, not ahead of myself and not in my past.  I truly believe it is about practicing and not for hours.  Hours are not me.... I am a doer and it did not come easily for me to be. 

Years ago, I practiced by simply sitting in a chair and doing nothing, not reading, not talking, not watching television, NOTHING.  Squirmy time in the beginning and even today, I can be squirmy to DO.  I guess practice means for MY WHOLE LIFE.  I am OK with that idea.  The benefits of practicing and being with me is a motivator. 

HOW DO I KNOW IF MEDITATION IS WORKING FOR ME?
-      Am I more present to what is?
-      Am I able to shift in the moment when fear or anxiety clogs my mind and races my heart? 
-      Am I happy?
-      Am I irritable? 
-      Am I telling myself things that really aren't true?
 
By the way, one of the things I learned about myself is that irritability is a signal to me that I NEED HELP.  I discovered that clue while meditating.  So did that short story motivate you to meditate?
 

I now can ask for help and let others know, "I am so crabby because I need......."  It is a win-win to have learned that behavior about me.   Help might also be that I need to pause, stop, shift out of what I am doing and doing, because I have been doing too much.

What is meditation to you?  What practices have you tried or might try?  I love walking meditations, where I am with me walking and seeing what is right in front of me.  I feel my feet on the ground as I walk.  I don't listen to music every time I walk.  I empty my head chatter and simply move down the road.  When thoughts of what I should be doing or have to do, visit me, I say, NOT NOW or STOP IT.

You will discover what works for you. 

I also love to do quick visualizations. I see myself doing something fun, like dancing and singing while I dance.  When I need an image for relaxation, I see myself in a place of nature that I love being in and it always includes a river or waterfall and lush forest.  I am more of a forest woman than the ocean these days.  What about you?

Let yourself begin something.  You get to change your mind.  You get to have days where you don't practice or you don't feel any good feelings from the practice.  Life doesn't travel in a straight line.

I keep visuals of words, like happy, hope, world peace, trust, connect, on a post- it or a photo that reminds me of my bigger picture.  I love photos and I use them daily to remind me and lift me.  They are propped up, not always framed, since I like change.  I don't need words when I see my photos of people, places and things that show me a greater connection with something outside of me. It is simple for me...photos from the farmer's market, buildings, people I adore, abstract colors that look like a watercolor painting, animals, garden, places I enjoy, sculptures, flowers,  etc.

This is one reason change is challenging. You might have been told that if you do this, that will happen.  Someone forgot to tell you, NOT ALWAYS.  EXPECTATIONS hold value and falsehoods. As we live more in our full adult, we discover we need to live with paradoxes...this is true and that is also true.  There are no guarantees to what you do, or practice.  I do think there is a benefit because you are getting to know you better.   Did you know your no's lead you to your yeses? 

When you know you, the good, the bad, and the ugly, so to speak, you build compassion and then can have that caring and forgiveness for someone else. 

BEGIN something that connects you with parts of who you are and aren't. Connection could bring a happier life because it includes acceptance and compassion for what is today.

Meditation builds self-trust. You have you, no matter what.

So here is a toast to all of us practicing!

Take good care and keep in touch by posting, calling or emailing.
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
 
- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Mentoring
- Facebook, Linked In, Twitter

A mother shared with me during a telephone session, "I know my daughter loves me, but I don't think she likes me. She doesn't want to spend much time with me when she comes back home."

After chatting and sorting, she realized her perception and expectations of mother daughter were cloudy.  Holidays for sure bring up needs and memories.  Take time to pause. Get nurtured by nature or massage or a nap.  Remind yourself that you are loved. Children's ways of expressing and showing love might be different than yours.  Age gap.  It is confusing when you get along so well with your daughter and then don't hear from them as often as you would like.

They lead, not you.  Harsh, I know.  I say it so you can let go and have a more realistic relationship.  They are building a life for themselves, independent of you.  You know that, so this is just a reminder.  You miss your children and who wouldn't? 

Your role continues to shift as parent. Just when you think you are settled into that role, a new experience gets lived and you wonder, again, now what?  Change keeps you in touch with yourself and is actually a good thing, even though uncomfortable.

Take time to pause and enjoy a view.

Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

www.emptynestsupport.com
 
- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Mentoring
- Facebook, Linked In, Twitter

You are living in complex, challenging times.  Your role may be shifting, whether in relationships or work or health.  You are feeling stressed and tearful at times.  What can you do when you are uncertain?

A mother called to chat with me about the greatest job she had, building a home and family.
She is a planner.  Next summer her daughter leaves for college, then in the spring, her last child leaves.  She is also a career woman, wife, daughter, aunt, and friend.

 We laughed at how wisdom doesn't always work.
 The wisdom of listening.
 The wisdom of mistakes will happen.
 The wisdom of change happens over and over.
 The wisdom of at least I tried.

When uncertainty sits in your bedroom, it is an invitation to go within and gather new resources.

What wasn't familiar to this mother was the idea of making friends with the unknown.   Like meeting a new friend, unknown becomes your new friend.  Here is how you get to know unknown:

When your life or role changes you are in the discomfort of not knowing what you will be feeling or doing.

Make time to be with just you, in a quiet place.  Begin a chat with the part of you that is in the unknown.

Ask that part of you:

1. What do you want to tell me today about my not knowing what will happen? Example, you have been in situations before where you didn't know what would be next for you, so what did you do then?  Keep listening to what else you hear. If you hear nothing, make it up.  Yes, make it up.  Some part of you is talking with you.  See what you learn in that moment.   Write what you hear that part say.  Just take a minute and write notes, not full sentences, because you will forget.

2. What do you want to tell me today about what I might be feeling?  Write it. Example - lonely, sad, hopeful, excited, angry, crabby, foolish.

3. What do you want to tell me about what I need today, as I sit in the unknown?  Write it. Example,   get outside and go for a walk, ask for help, research, rest.

Practice asking these three questions THREE TIMES a day.  Yes, that sounds like a lot of time.  It goes very fast when you ask the questions.   You will be in the unknown for a while. This is how you make friends with not knowing what will be.

It is natural to lose confidence when your life has a sudden or expected change, even for happy changes.   Staying connected with yourself builds compassion.  Compassion builds hope and opens windows you never saw before.

Who doesn't need to practice some new behaviors?  When we do the same routine and think the same thoughts, creativity and energy can get depleted.

Practice chatting with yourself and write it down. 

If you could see the small squares of paper I jot a thought on, rather than the lovely notebook I bought, you would laugh.  Yes, I even have jotted a note on the back of my check book because I couldn't find any paper.  Once, OK more than once, I wrote on the inside of my hand with a pen.

Keep the perfectionist out of conversations with yourself.  Just begin getting to know this unknown part of you.  Begin, I wonder what you will discover?

Take good care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Mentoring
- Facebook, Linked In, Twitter

How do you keep your perspective during the holidays?  A woman asked me that question on a telephone consultation.  She recently divorced.  Tears will still fall and disappointments of how she thought her life would be.

1. Cry when you need to cry.  Who wouldn't, especially during the expectations and images of holiday.

2. Self-care.  What nurtures you? 

3. Who can you call for support? It is ok to call and ask if you can join them for anytime over the holiday.  You would allow someone to join you.

4.  Remind yourself that you get to choose how you want your holiday to be this year. Often our past freezes us out of choices in the moment.

5. Plan something ahead of time so that you can look forward to that time of celebration. Check what is happening in your city and see if you want to join in on that event.

6. Perspective means not to jump too far ahead or live in the past.  It is a couple of days in December, not your whole life.

7.  You have impacted people throughout your life in a positive way.  Who are those people?

8. If your holidays are looking less than how you wish they would be, use this time as a retreat for you.  I know that sounds lonely.  If you can shift your perception to loving the life you have for now, it won't be as sad. 

A woman called and we figured out what she needed was movies, sleep, take in meals so she felt like she was on vacation and not cleaning, walks in nature, journaling time, newspaper reading at a local cafe, and visiting pet adoption locations. 
If you are having visitors, you don't need to be the entertainer and cook.  Let them know you have a habit of over giving. You want to have fun with them and not always be the leader. Ask what ideas they have to make the holiday fun and restful.
May your holiday deliver a happy surprise and meaningful connections.
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
 
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com

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