February 2012 Archives

Kara, asked me, as do other women, "I have habits that seem to run me. I am too predictable and at times, bored."  As you know, life is complex and we long for ease, like routine. Maybe a question is, "Are you happy?" 

We seem to forget that happiness is a real need and not one to feel guilty about wanting.  It does not mean you are self-centered.  It might mean you are getting to know yourself better.  When you self-care by knowing more about you, then you can give to others without the automatic jump into action, based on, I HAVE TO DO IT.

Notice in your day, what lifts your energy and what depletes it.
Get outside, daily, beyond just a walk to and from your parked car.

Start your day differently and see how you feel.

Be a detective of your own happiness.  Jot down, at the end of a day, what you discovered.

Nurture yourself.  I know you hear that all the time. Nurture could mean you don't answer the phone just because it rang.

Ask for help to make small shifts.   I remember a friend and I would send each other an inspiring quotation through email or a "CHEER LEADER" email, saying, "GO FOR IT NOW."

We all need reminders to have fun and shift our daily and evening habits, don't you think?  What might you shift in a week that would feed your happiness?

Take care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
 
- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Mentoring
- Facebook, Linked In, Twitter

Do you want the ending of the story or the beginning?  Patience will give you the surprise ending that was greatly needed during loss. 

My cat, Sophie, who we adopted fourteen years ago, was still chatty and cuddly, until the Monday morning she suddenly died.  I wept and wept.  Home alone, I don't know where the movement in me came from, to swaddle her in a blanket, as I prepared to say goodbye. I know I was in shock, even though, I also knew she grew thinner and older weekly. Maybe, she was 91. 

I had been out of town teaching for a week.  I am so grateful she and I had the weekend together and she didn't die while I was gone presenting. She waited for me.

I adore Sophie.

I miss her.

Monday morning, I wept goodbye to her, telling her all I love about her and thanking her for being part of me and my family.   I for sure wanted more time with Sophie.  Here is a list of what she loved to do:

 Climb through the back screen door to get outside and lean over the pool to sip water.
 Chase the sun to warm herself.
 Jump from the table to the kitchen counter to be right where I was chopping or doing dishes.
 Getting under my feet, so I would notice her
 Jump from the printer to my desk and sit on my computer keyboard, blocking my work.
 Knock things off my table as she dashed around playing the chase game with something I never could see
 Leap on the bed, up to my chest and into my face, purring with happiness
 Pitter patter across the wooden floors, as she heard the bath water running. Sophie loves water. She would sit on the side of the tub, at times lean over, and I wondered if I would have to catch her. 
 Sit on the laps of friends in the living room and kitchen.  People cat.  Mutual love.
 Be at the door when I came home.
 Scratch at a closed door wanting to come in.
 Crawling into the refrigerator for leftovers from Thanksgiving dinner
 Dragging a brown bag across the floor as her paws were caught in the paper handles
 Curling into her peaceful self to be, reminding me to be.

So here is the wonderment and surprise....Sophie died in the morning.  That evening, I saw a yellow butterfly in the dining room on the window.  Sophie use to sit by that window on the table to look out and be warmed by the sun.  I don't know how that butterfly came into the house.  I had never seen it before.  It stayed on the window.   I spoke to it.  I told it, "I am going to open this back door where the pool is, if you want to go."  I looked for the butterfly every morning when I woke and before I went to sleep I chatted with it.  One day it moved to a window, closer to the back door.  It didn't leave.  I closed the door.  This went on for ten wonderful days.  I woke one morning, doors and windows closed, as always in the evening, and she was GONE.  I still looked for her days after.  I looked again today.  No butterfly.  I don't know how she entered my life or how she left.  I am kissed by her presence.

Have you had this kind of surprise in loss or in life when you need love?

I am grateful for Sophie and the butterfly,

Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
 
- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Mentoring
- Facebook, Linked In, Twitter

A parent called sharing she was waiting for her twins to be ecstatic from the long anticipated acceptance letters to college. She worried there would be tears with rejection letters, no choices.  What parent wouldn't want their children to get what they want?  Changes can bring brightness, dullness, or shades of grey, usually the latter.

Learning to sit in the unknown is uncomfortable.  You realize you don't have a choice but to go with not knowing or to spend your time in worry.  I don't think our children or you, benefit from worry, and yet it is common for that to pop into your day.  You could say, "thanks worrier for sharing, but I can handle this not knowing.'  It is a practice to be able to say THANK YOU and to LET GO and move on in your day.   Thank you and I am moving on today.

A mother worries about her daughter's health.  She practices self-care and not letting the fear of illness for someone she deeply adores, affect her own health.  Not easy.  She weeps and cuddles in bed until an energy lifts her to begin again, despite no changes in her daughter's health, her bright , beautiful, young daughter.

A son care-takes his aging mother and longs for how it used to be.  You be the mom.  I will be the son.  You be strong and lead.  I will grow and become.  Change happens.   He is over-whelmed and peeks in her room to be sure she is still breathing. He remembers his mom telling him how she peeked in his baby room to see if he was breathing.
 
The wedding ring sits in her drawer, discarded from her thought of a forever life with her husband. This generous, creative, happy woman is now pulled to the underworld of tears and uncertainty.  No matter who said goodbye first, both will grieve for the life they thought they would share in old age, full of history and completing each other's sentences.  Not to be.  Not to blame.  Not to regret.   She knows what the challenges were after twenty years of coupling.  She just doesn't know what will be next for her.   Change happens.  Shades of shock, begging, anger, dullness, clouds, and then fresh air.  Never in a straight line.  Her hope is that she knows she is a great woman and did all she could to love. She keeps a door open that she will have a happy life whether solo or with a partner.  Her coping skill of the day, is to clean out her closets.  What would be yours?

He weeps for the routine he had.  He loved his job. They no longer needed him .  He is a worker bee.  Man who produces.  Now what? Change happens.  He didn't see it coming, nor would that really help his meaningless days.  Grieve for what is no longer.  Write what you loved about your day and what you didn't care for so much.  List what gifts you have to give, again.  Keep going. Keep going.  Fall and stand again.  When you feel and think, feel and think, when you let others help you, and let it be ok to change your mind, you get a routine again.  Ordinary days, which for him, need to be a routine, are good days.  Ordinary life is a precious life.   When he was able to shift to that perception, he put on his shoes.

Change is inevitable in life.  Let's talk about it.  Let's help each other feel fresh air.  Let's listen and be, with appreciation that that is a wonderful life.  There are callings for doing and callings for being, both change our view. Wouldn't the same view for a lifetime be dull?

Shades of change.  How are you self- caring in your day to day life?  How are you able to help others with their view? From your center, what is moving out and staying near?

Take good care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
 
- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Mentoring
- Facebook, Linked In, Twitter

Valentine's Day is a day people have strong feelings of like or dislike.  Pressure, phony, commercial, loss, hiding, and celebrations of kisses. 

A woman called my office and shared," I have no lover today.  I do have his love letters. We were never live in partners.  We were in love. I treasure those sweet words and the sound of his voice in my head when I read them to myself."

What room, letter, note, meal, glance, flower, candle, hike, vacation, car ride, etc., would you preserve to cherish love?  If you are in love today, yesterday, or hope for tomorrow, what puts that smile on your precious face?  What action do you do for love and what actions feed love to you?  When someone makes me laugh, there sits love.

A mother shared with me that this Valentine's Day is her last child at home's Valentine's Day and it just pulled her into endings.  Yes, always a mom.  Yes, still able to say, Happy Valentine's Day, even when her daughter is at college in August, but not able to decorate with doilies, cut out hearts with kisses,  cook a special meal, and slip a little jewel box on her daughter's bed when she wakes for school.  Each of us has traditions and joys that feed love.  What are yours?

Susan asked me how she can get through Valentine's Day when she is alone?  She just wants it to be over. She doesn't want anyone to know she has no plans.  Embarrassed.  She knows she is a good person and attractive.  She knows this heart day is somewhat commercial, but she wants to be part of love.  She wants love.  Her fear is she won't find a match and will have every Valentine's Day alone.  I am sure she is not the only person with those thoughts and feelings on February 14th.  What would you share with her about love and Valentine's Day?

Susan called back today and said, " I planned an at home meal for myself for that day.  I will watch movies with butter popcorn, light a bright ,big red candle, and write myself a note about what I love about love and what I love about ME.  I know the night will end.  Thank goodness. The 15th will be a fresh day and I am hopeful love and I will partner."

Relationships feed you.  Bob told me he has better relationship with his research than with people.  But he feels the love spark when he discovers something new. Lisa loves her garden daily and feels loved by its surprises and beauty.   I would guess that there are five memories, at least, that you have about feeling love.  Even in loss, even in what is no more, a memory of love, can smile you.  Memories matter.   Present love can remind you of how grateful you are to love someone and be loved by them. 

Reese told me she just loves planning ahead to surprise him. She almost feels it is a challenge to herself of how to express love and have fun.  She likes a challenge.  Reese also shared that her sweetie is a fabulous gift giver, but not so great with dressing well, sexy, and she wishes he would.

Solo or together, you know love and admit it...you love love..love of your pet, child, friend, movie, sport, partner, parents, food, music, travel, spirituality, education, giving, etc. 

Marilyn shared she often visits a time in her life when she had the ups and downs of being with a partner. It feels so real for her today.  She learned so much about herself that feed her to be a better woman.  She had fun.  She gave.  She spends joyous times in nature on the weekends, by the water.  Tears fall that he isn't in her life now.  Smiles visit her, feeling his hand in hers and his eyes that turn to her soul.  "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," Poets words.  Even at her age, as she says, she loves to love and thinks love will be in her hand and eyes, again. 

Take care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
 
- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Mentoring
- Facebook, Linked In, Twitter