If you were to make a heart card, what would you draw in and outside the
heart?

If you danced love, how brave would you have to be?

No matter what way you choose to express, hope you have fun.

Don't forget to send those love notes to yourself..."What I love about myself is that I...What people say they love about me is...

Celebrate the memories, the today, and the tomorrow hopes of love.

 Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
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Humans get hurt.  Humans tell their stories over and over to heal.  Humans feel the happy force of love and its ignition of new possibilities.

These are some words from their writing about what they know about love:

 Children do it for me
 Not a promise
 Still believe
 Didn't learn enough about it to receive it
 Makes me cry
 Not hallmark on valentine's day
 My dog
 Gardening
 Learning something is love
 Giving is love
 Asking for help is love
 Playing outside is love
 Vacations from self-pity
 Tears mean you love
 I eat less when i am in love
 I pass on my smile when I am love
 Love is for everyone
 Baking
 Reading is love
 Work is love
 Beauty
 Everyone everywhere in the world feels it and wants it
 Silly
 Parents weren't really in love
 Husband is my teacher of love
 Up to me to love
 Comes from within
 Motivator
 Mysterious
 Solo can be love
 Hiking is love
 Sitting with a friend
 Praying is love
 Being present to love
 What would you say about love?

What loving action will you give to yourself and then others? One woman in the group said, "I will be ok with sitting on the sofa and doing nothing, rather than feeling guilty."  Another said, " I will go somewhere in my city this month that I have never gone to before and get over my fear of going alone."  "I will call a friend and tell them I need some help today."  "I will write a letter with no words, just doodles to my daughter."  "I will smile when I am at work, even though I wish I had a different job." "I will clean out my closet."

No matter what, LOVE RETURNS. Love is fed by what meaning, what deeply matters to you in your life.   Nurture love. Nurture Joy.

"I will remind myself that my life is really good and I am a good person." "I will self-care and stop thinking about the other person."  "I will dress sexy for me."  "I will make that sacred personal place in my home." "I will back off from nagging my kids."  "I will laugh more by going outside to play."

Wishing you many possibilities of love,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
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www.lifeintransition.org
 
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Reflection of what worked, what was unrealistic, and what was a challenge, is an ongoing journey.  Now they hope to get into nature for easy hikes and ponder their new role as parents and as women.

Letting go over and over is easier when you have women on a similar path to understand the unknowns and the hopes.

One mom, again, hopes to stay away from her son's Facebook because it either punches her buttons what he is doing, along with the photos she sees, or she slips and says something about what he is doing because she read it on Facebook.    The computer is so seductive, isn't it?

Another mom is taking a sculpture class, while two others are wondering what new career would be a fit for them. Care-taking her mom is another's challenge.  Relationship and moving, faces a mom because of her being separated.  Over- scheduled or under scheduled sits in the room of exploration.  Then, of course, as women, there is the ongoing chat and laughter about losing those five pounds and being more active.  

Bottom line, it is so much fun to be together no matter what we are exploring or laughing about, as we walk this ever changing role as parents and women.

How was your winter vacation with your family?

Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
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I said I would use lotion during the dry winter and I didn't.  I did say out loud what really matters to me this year of 2012.   I did write a list of my strengths and challenges.  I wrote who I am grateful for and who I am no longer interested in, which sounds so cold when I write it, but it is true for now.  

I am beginning, while reflecting. I feel a little on tilt.  I am excited about 2012, partially because I love newness. 

Here is a thought for you:

What do you want to say to yourself?   
-  I am....... 
-  I feel....   
-  I think... 
-  I no longer want......  
-  I do want...... 
-  I am grateful.....

What do you want to say to someone?  I was thinking about you and.....

Finding meaning, new meaning, and keeping meaning that matters to you, will feed your happiness.   What is a meaningful life to you?  You get to take your time. You get to change your mind.  Your anchor is compassion and curiosity. 

When you are living an unknown, pause, go inside and have a little chat with yourself about what you feel, know, and need each day.

I wish you laughter and wellness, topped with the grace of simply loving the life you have and keeping hope lit for dreams and desires.

Ask for help. You would help someone if they asked.

Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
 
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A mom shared with me that she makes too many excuses for her kids not calling during the holidays. 

They are busy.  They are kids who of course forget. 

Do you make excuses for your kids during the holidays?  One year she called them so she wouldn't be resentful.  Now she wants to let that go.  Her decision was, if they don't call, I will not extend this year. 

Does the age of the kids matter?   Her children are in their late twenties and won't be home for the holidays. 

Are you curious to see what really happens with mother not chatting with her kids?

What would you do or what have you done?

Happy celebrations,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
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"Put on some lipstick, you look pale. Your shoes are filthy. Don't you have an iron?  You can't wear jeans to Aunt Kelly's."

What words have you heard about how you dress during holiday gatherings?
Is it a dress up time or not in your family?

You know, and if you still want some advice, ASK the host, which could be your mom or dad; do you care what I wear this year?  Why have your holiday stressed by how you look. 

Ask. You can send a text or email first.

Have fun,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
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I am asked during workshops and private sessions, "How do I meditate when I am so restless?"  My answer may surprise you.

 ...Close your eyes and simply get quiet.

I put myself in a place where I AM HERE NOW WITH MYSELF.   I am breathing. I am sinking down within myself.    Some quiet times are soft, relaxing, and others, restless.

Believe it or not, it is easier for me to say yes to meditating, when I am, "Praying" for someone else.  Maybe it is easier because my intention for that quiet time has a concrete purpose, helping someone else.

I have been practicing since 1979, first in classes, which means a lot of years of different ways to connect within. Sometimes I don't sense, see or feel anything. Nothing happens.  Bottom line for me is it takes practice.  I think five minutes to be still is a priority in a day.  I got better at not being so attached to what should, could, or needs to happen in my quiet times. 

Changes happen when I get quiet. Sometimes I ask a question: "What do you want me to know today?  What is happiness?  What do I need to open to today?  What have I ignored?  So, those are examples of word entries to go within. 

Other days, I use no words, I breathe in and out seven times and slowly, sometimes only four times.  There are days, I simply sit and close my eyes and say NOW.  As you can tell, it depends on my mood and intention for stillness.  I am practicing ,no matter how many years or times I have gotten quiet, I know it is a practice and not a, "sure thing," for anything, except that I am with me.

I ALWAYS FEEL BETTER, no matter what I am saying or doing, when I take time to close my eyes and drop within.  ALWAYS.  In the beginning of my practices, I went down stairs as an image of going within. I saw stairs in my imagination and if I didn't see them, I faked it. I counted down. I stepped down. 

Other practices I used was to open my eyes, light a candle and look at the flame, breathing consciously  with no words, BEING PRESENT with what was right in front of me.  Today, it is much easier to be present with a person or activity in the moment because I have practiced.  It starts with being present with me, not ahead of myself and not in my past.  I truly believe it is about practicing and not for hours.  Hours are not me.... I am a doer and it did not come easily for me to be. 

Years ago, I practiced by simply sitting in a chair and doing nothing, not reading, not talking, not watching television, NOTHING.  Squirmy time in the beginning and even today, I can be squirmy to DO.  I guess practice means for MY WHOLE LIFE.  I am OK with that idea.  The benefits of practicing and being with me is a motivator. 

HOW DO I KNOW IF MEDITATION IS WORKING FOR ME?
-      Am I more present to what is?
-      Am I able to shift in the moment when fear or anxiety clogs my mind and races my heart? 
-      Am I happy?
-      Am I irritable? 
-      Am I telling myself things that really aren't true?
 
By the way, one of the things I learned about myself is that irritability is a signal to me that I NEED HELP.  I discovered that clue while meditating.  So did that short story motivate you to meditate?
 

I now can ask for help and let others know, "I am so crabby because I need......."  It is a win-win to have learned that behavior about me.   Help might also be that I need to pause, stop, shift out of what I am doing and doing, because I have been doing too much.

What is meditation to you?  What practices have you tried or might try?  I love walking meditations, where I am with me walking and seeing what is right in front of me.  I feel my feet on the ground as I walk.  I don't listen to music every time I walk.  I empty my head chatter and simply move down the road.  When thoughts of what I should be doing or have to do, visit me, I say, NOT NOW or STOP IT.

You will discover what works for you. 

I also love to do quick visualizations. I see myself doing something fun, like dancing and singing while I dance.  When I need an image for relaxation, I see myself in a place of nature that I love being in and it always includes a river or waterfall and lush forest.  I am more of a forest woman than the ocean these days.  What about you?

Let yourself begin something.  You get to change your mind.  You get to have days where you don't practice or you don't feel any good feelings from the practice.  Life doesn't travel in a straight line.

I keep visuals of words, like happy, hope, world peace, trust, connect, on a post- it or a photo that reminds me of my bigger picture.  I love photos and I use them daily to remind me and lift me.  They are propped up, not always framed, since I like change.  I don't need words when I see my photos of people, places and things that show me a greater connection with something outside of me. It is simple for me...photos from the farmer's market, buildings, people I adore, abstract colors that look like a watercolor painting, animals, garden, places I enjoy, sculptures, flowers,  etc.

This is one reason change is challenging. You might have been told that if you do this, that will happen.  Someone forgot to tell you, NOT ALWAYS.  EXPECTATIONS hold value and falsehoods. As we live more in our full adult, we discover we need to live with paradoxes...this is true and that is also true.  There are no guarantees to what you do, or practice.  I do think there is a benefit because you are getting to know you better.   Did you know your no's lead you to your yeses? 

When you know you, the good, the bad, and the ugly, so to speak, you build compassion and then can have that caring and forgiveness for someone else. 

BEGIN something that connects you with parts of who you are and aren't. Connection could bring a happier life because it includes acceptance and compassion for what is today.

Meditation builds self-trust. You have you, no matter what.

So here is a toast to all of us practicing!

Take good care and keep in touch by posting, calling or emailing.
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
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After chatting and sorting, she realized her perception and expectations of mother daughter were cloudy.  Holidays for sure bring up needs and memories.  Take time to pause. Get nurtured by nature or massage or a nap.  Remind yourself that you are loved. Children's ways of expressing and showing love might be different than yours.  Age gap.  It is confusing when you get along so well with your daughter and then don't hear from them as often as you would like.

They lead, not you.  Harsh, I know.  I say it so you can let go and have a more realistic relationship.  They are building a life for themselves, independent of you.  You know that, so this is just a reminder.  You miss your children and who wouldn't? 

Your role continues to shift as parent. Just when you think you are settled into that role, a new experience gets lived and you wonder, again, now what?  Change keeps you in touch with yourself and is actually a good thing, even though uncomfortable.

Take time to pause and enjoy a view.

Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

www.emptynestsupport.com
 
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You are living in complex, challenging times.  Your role may be shifting, whether in relationships or work or health.  You are feeling stressed and tearful at times.  What can you do when you are uncertain?

A mother called to chat with me about the greatest job she had, building a home and family.
She is a planner.  Next summer her daughter leaves for college, then in the spring, her last child leaves.  She is also a career woman, wife, daughter, aunt, and friend.

 We laughed at how wisdom doesn't always work.
 The wisdom of listening.
 The wisdom of mistakes will happen.
 The wisdom of change happens over and over.
 The wisdom of at least I tried.

When uncertainty sits in your bedroom, it is an invitation to go within and gather new resources.

What wasn't familiar to this mother was the idea of making friends with the unknown.   Like meeting a new friend, unknown becomes your new friend.  Here is how you get to know unknown:

When your life or role changes you are in the discomfort of not knowing what you will be feeling or doing.

Make time to be with just you, in a quiet place.  Begin a chat with the part of you that is in the unknown.

Ask that part of you:

1. What do you want to tell me today about my not knowing what will happen? Example, you have been in situations before where you didn't know what would be next for you, so what did you do then?  Keep listening to what else you hear. If you hear nothing, make it up.  Yes, make it up.  Some part of you is talking with you.  See what you learn in that moment.   Write what you hear that part say.  Just take a minute and write notes, not full sentences, because you will forget.

2. What do you want to tell me today about what I might be feeling?  Write it. Example - lonely, sad, hopeful, excited, angry, crabby, foolish.

3. What do you want to tell me about what I need today, as I sit in the unknown?  Write it. Example,   get outside and go for a walk, ask for help, research, rest.

Practice asking these three questions THREE TIMES a day.  Yes, that sounds like a lot of time.  It goes very fast when you ask the questions.   You will be in the unknown for a while. This is how you make friends with not knowing what will be.

It is natural to lose confidence when your life has a sudden or expected change, even for happy changes.   Staying connected with yourself builds compassion.  Compassion builds hope and opens windows you never saw before.

Who doesn't need to practice some new behaviors?  When we do the same routine and think the same thoughts, creativity and energy can get depleted.

Practice chatting with yourself and write it down. 

If you could see the small squares of paper I jot a thought on, rather than the lovely notebook I bought, you would laugh.  Yes, I even have jotted a note on the back of my check book because I couldn't find any paper.  Once, OK more than once, I wrote on the inside of my hand with a pen.

Keep the perfectionist out of conversations with yourself.  Just begin getting to know this unknown part of you.  Begin, I wonder what you will discover?

Take good care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What's Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

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1. Cry when you need to cry.  Who wouldn't, especially during the expectations and images of holiday.

2. Self-care.  What nurtures you? 

3. Who can you call for support? It is ok to call and ask if you can join them for anytime over the holiday.  You would allow someone to join you.

4.  Remind yourself that you get to choose how you want your holiday to be this year. Often our past freezes us out of choices in the moment.

5. Plan something ahead of time so that you can look forward to that time of celebration. Check what is happening in your city and see if you want to join in on that event.

6. Perspective means not to jump too far ahead or live in the past.  It is a couple of days in December, not your whole life.

7.  You have impacted people throughout your life in a positive way.  Who are those people?

8. If your holidays are looking less than how you wish they would be, use this time as a retreat for you.  I know that sounds lonely.  If you can shift your perception to loving the life you have for now, it won't be as sad. 

A woman called and we figured out what she needed was movies, sleep, take in meals so she felt like she was on vacation and not cleaning, walks in nature, journaling time, newspaper reading at a local cafe, and visiting pet adoption locations. 
If you are having visitors, you don't need to be the entertainer and cook.  Let them know you have a habit of over giving. You want to have fun with them and not always be the leader. Ask what ideas they have to make the holiday fun and restful.
May your holiday deliver a happy surprise and meaningful connections.
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
 
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, HUFFINGTON POST, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
 
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1. Focus on your strengths.  You spend repetitive time on what you need to fix about yourself or someone else. Choice is a powerful gift.  You get to make choices. Choose to notice what you are good at and wear that each day.

2. Practice being a happy person. Fake it till you make it.  That means you need to pause before you speak. For some of you who don't bring happy energy to the room, plan ahead what you will talk about and then deliver.  Dead energy is for the wood burning fireplace.

3. Why do I bring these two reminders to you?  These are the bottom line issues of hurt feelings that people bravely share with me. These are some reasons people lose faith in themselves and others.  They also forget to practice finding real meaning in their life.  That habit of blame comes in the room, "I am over worked.  I am tired.  I have to do everything. I just want to sit. I don't have the money.  I don't have the time.  I don't know what to say.  I am different than you and I am who I am.  I am sure you can add words to what you say when you are hurt or walking on eggshells when someone enters the room. Meaning in life, shifts self-centeredness and self-limitations.  What is meaningful for you today? What is greater than your challenges?

4. Let yourself have fun.  What are you waiting for?  Is your way of daily living worth the wait if you aren't smiling during the week?

5. Stand Tall.  How would someone you admire act in the situation?  Give that a try in small steps. Copy that person's behavior even if you feel awkward and stumble with the words and actions.  Newness is uplifting.

6. Ask yourself how often you say you are trying and honestly aren't.  You know why you aren't even if you can't articulate it.  Get to know yourself more and more because you are the one in the room who affects joy or sorrow.

7. If you are able to forgive others, then deeply forgive yourself and start anew.  It is never too late to be happy and loving.

Bottom line, holidays are more meaningful and memorable when spent with happy people. Focus on the good in you and let that light the room you stand in every day.

May you have moments during the holiday that put a smile on your face and others.

PS.  I just can't help myself, so forgive me for saying the trite...it is not about the gifts, it is about generosity of spirit, and yes, anytime there is a surprise, an unexpected gift or gesture, that makes for a happy face. Be happy....

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
 
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com 

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, HUFFINGTON POST, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
 
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Back to sharing....One of the top questions people bring up during our telephone consultation is that they don't want to talk about certain subjects during the holiday. 

They feel too vulnerable or private for now.  I will cut to the chase and suggest you say," I pass-on talking about that subject this holiday.  I will talk about your beautiful home.  When you say what you don't want and also add what you do want, it sits less defensive or controlling, don't you think?

What aren't you ready to share during the holidays?  Is that ok with you for now? 

When Sara spoke with me about her anxiety for the holidays it included not wanting to talk about her illness over and over.  She deals with it day and night and is doing well today.  What she wants is fun, distraction from illness routine, and to be seen as "normal."

She understands people want updates.  Her plan is to give an update in an email before people visit or before she gets in the car.  If that doesn't work, she said she might just say, "I am so bored with managing my good and bad days, could we talk about you?"  Who doesn't want to talk about themselves?

That is the solution we came up with while having our session together on the telephone.

The sign BEWARE OF DOG, definitely gets my attention.   I don't want to get hurt.   A sign for you to remember is, BEWARE OF EXPECTATIONS.  I think that is a top bruiser when it comes to being with people. 

Check out how you want the holidays to be, how it might be, and what you really need during the gathering time.  Then ask if you are being realistic, coming from past roles you played or longed to play, and if you are taking into account who that other person really is and isn't.

We have so many different parts inside us, like an orchestra, that it is natural to feel whatever and whenever you feel what you feel.  Sounds so trite. Sounds so forgotten in the moment. 

Music works to shift me and uplift my moods.   Right now I am hearing in my head, the song, LET IT BE, LET IT BE, LET IT BE...

Wishing you laughter and delicious breaking bread together with those you enjoy,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
 On the web www.emptynestsupport.com

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, HUFFINGTON POST, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

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- Los Angeles, CA

What I am not dealing with this week is my menu?  It is not like me to not know by now what I am serving.  Once I leap through new and old recipes, I make my lists.  Fun for me is having people chop the veggies, carry fire wood, light candles, change the music, and simply be part of the whole experience. 

Our kitchen is small and still very functional.   I get tearful thinking about the holidays.  I have memories of people I love who won't be in the kitchen. I have smiles thinking about the joy of the people who will be here.

Oh, I hope, my uncertainty of how much we need, doesn't keep me or others running back and forth to the grocery store.  We will have enough.  i have never been good at figuring out amounts of food for company. 

My parents had a buffet of hot plates topped with turkey, brisket, stuffing, gravy, chocolate lace pie, apple pie, sweet potatoes with mini marshmallows , green beans and slivered almonds, hot rolls and butter, cranberries and sauce, fresh fruit, oh my . I don't even want to write all the foods that are popping in my head from that buffet.   Amazing, isn't it, how we can see the layout of foods and exactly where they stood year after year, down to the candy bowls on the end tables.

This year, I am going to suggest we have running short races outside with silly prizes after we eat and rest.  Game night might include apples to apples.  Is that what it is called?  Hum...can't remember. Can remember laughing at the table playing it.

What is on your menu for food and fun?  What drives you crazy and what do you look forward to this Thanksgiving? 

Take good care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com

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2. When I am stuck, I stay curious and compassionate. Even if I am not stuck, curiosity keeps me uplifted and compassion keeps me more relaxed. "I wonder why that person has to dominate the conversation."  "I did the best I could in the moment."

 3. Love starting my day with one cup of black coffee in my small garden wearing flannel jammies around six am.  My self-planted garden is organic, and a surprise.  I am still picking red tomatoes, but my basil is leaving. Dalia's gone and fuchsia blooming.  Can't grab enough arugula and pick black kale.   Hummingbirds and butterflies. What's not to keep me from starting my day that way?  My inner pusher who thinks I need to respond to emails now.

4. I know you hear it all the time and it is true for me too, I say what I am grateful for in a way that goes like this, "Thank goodness I feel great today."  "Thank goodness I work for myself."  "Thank goodness my daughter is happy."  "Thank goodness he loves his work." You get the idea.  I just need to remember what I am not suffering with today and what I love about my life.  That works for a quick shift in attitude for me. I am that consistent with writing it down.

5.   When I am making a decision, or shifting roles, I remember there are lots of parts inside me, like an orchestra. I bring them up to hear.

6.  I have practiced for decades getting off the hamster wheel of thoughts that aren't true in my head.   I say, "Is that fantasy thought, reality thought, or from my past?"  

7.  I am a connecter, so I like to briefly touch in to say hello to people I love.  Makes me happy.  Sometimes a call, text or email. 

8.  I also love my solo time.  I need it to nurture and hear me. 

9.  Change is inevitable, whether sudden or expected.  I just let myself weep whenever I need to weep.

10,  When I don't want to go somewhere or do something, mostly because I am feeling vulnerable, I hold my hand and say  something like," You can do this.  You just aren't feeling as confident or energetic in this moment.  It will pass.  You love doing....so remember that right now and think about that."    Say, yes more than no if the no is coming from fear.  It does invigorate me to do what I think I didn't want to do, but that is a longer story for another interview. It is about knowing who I am and who I am not and pulling up new resources within.  I know I have that little one inside me who just wants me to do nothing but stay home. I tell her "thank you for the reminder. I've got this one. You don't have to do anything." "This goes along with having different parts inside you like an orchestra.  Some are too loud, too soft, and some are dormant and simply want a chance to be heard.    I know when vulnerability rises, which some call fear, so I chat with myself about the plus and the minus of that decision, key is I do that chat while walking not sitting.  Oh the tricks and treats we learn about ourselves!

11. I have a reality talk with myself so that my expectations get lowered and not inflated. When my daughter comes back home, for example, I practice being in my new role as her mom and allow her to be in hers.  Oh that gets embarrassing sometimes because I love mothering and can slip into my old role, "Oh, don't forget your sweater and bottle of water."  Really, I think she knows how to dress.   I remind myself our rhythms are different, for example, I am an early riser who bounces out of bed and doesn't need a wake up time to transition into my new day.  I just have that morning energy.  She is quieter in the morning.  So I need to not ask questions and just be there in the kitchen or her bedroom with soft energy.  Or better yet, let her find me when she wakes up...um not so easy for me, because I am excited she is home.  Expectations need a check in for work, gatherings, family, vacation, love, etc., in order to decrease disappointments and hurt, don't you think?  We just have expectations that come without knowing who is doing the inner talk...the dreamer, the adolescent, the narcissist, the whiner?  

12. I am better at making friends with the unknown.  When I don't have clarity or don't know what is going to happen, I let myself know I have been through worse times and will be OK.  I can trust myself and handle not knowing.   When I am feeling restless, I call a friend for help or venting.   When I need professional advice, I make an appointment.  Who doesn't need help at times? I think we forget it is normal to seek comfort and help.

13. I plan and do less when I am in a transition.

14.  I use my words and ask others to use theirs.  That sounds condescending. Sorry for that.  I just get frustrated when people don't respond or act passive.  I do know we all have neediness, off days, fear, and confusion, so that compassion helps me forgive and let go.  Just not worth staying in that dark room when I can't develop.

15.  When I am preparing for a transition I know will be right around the corner, like care-taking or kids leaving the nest, I say no to what doesn't really need my attention, and yes to what I won't get back again, like TIME, with me,  with my kids,  with someone who matters to me.  Work is necessary.  Work is fulfilling. Work is also a place to hide because it is familiar and less vulnerable.  Time doesn't come back. Love does.  OK, enough of that philosophy message. You and I just need reminders and permission to pause and reflect, don't you think?

Let's do this again.  You can email me questions you have or thoughts that are on your mind today.

Take good care,
Natalie

Life in Transition, What's Next?  Action to change
www.lifeintransition.org
natalie@lifeintransition.org
Los Angeles, CA
(818) 763-0188 or Toll Free (800) 446-3310

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Who doesn't fall in tears and laughter about their life?  Transitions bring reflections.  Nothing lasts forever and that includes friendships.

Differences pop up with partners, friends, parents, children, siblings, colleagues.  When people share their loss of friends and their want to lose them, they feel embarrassed. Embarrassed like a divorce. They feel they failed because they couldn't stay happy with their friend.  They feel unwanted when the phone doesn't ring and they have no plans for the week.  Solo time feels like a punishment rather than a gift. Truth is, more people than you know, want to wave goodbye and break up with a friend. More people than you know didn't live the life the world imaged for them.

So what is the gift and the curse of what happened and didn't happen in your life?

1. You get to begin again.
2. You get to change your mind. You are an adult and earned the badge.
3. You see new perspectives about who you are and who you aren't.
4. You practice forgiveness of self then others.
5. You gather new resources that you now need.
6. You weep and don't drown and weep again.
7. You become more of who you want to be now.
8. You walk with compassion and curiosity in ways you never imagined.
9. New is good. Awkward is normal.
10.  Unknown is actually a fresh location in your heart.

What helps in the unknown is to take the hand of not knowing and hold it with the hand of what you do know.  Become friends with both.  Not everything you think is true.  Open and be in wonderment.

A woman shared with me during a telephone consultation that she couldn't believe at her age, she had to start over.   Funds were OK, but less than two years ago.  She was going through divorce after a seventeen year marriage. 

Her girlfriends seemed in another world than hers.  Her children were in college. She works, but not fulfilled.   You can tell the losses were bringing up self-doubt and self-criticism.  It seems we get in a habit of down grading ourselves rather than compassion.

We just don't know where to turn or how to begin with a list of transitions. She will have to move. Her house cleanup is a pile of memories.  She decided to pick one new thing that would help her during the week.  For her, it was writing a goal for each day.

She realized the overwhelm of a long to do list and the sorrow made her scattered.  She also added something to look forward to during the week and wrote that down.

Each of us learns more about ourselves when walking changes.  My hope is you never forget to be gentle with yourself and reach out to someone for help.
Take good care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, HUFFINGTON POST, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
 
- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Online classes
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Free active message board - connect with others
- Story of the Month
- Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter
- Los Angeles, CA