Empty Nest Blogtag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2010-06-02:/blog//102013-05-17T18:47:47ZMovable Type Pro 4.35-enNot What I Expectedtag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9922013-05-17T18:46:11Z2013-05-17T18:47:47ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comIt's not about the kids. It's me. I thought my life would be different now. I thought I would have a partner that wanted to be fun. Those are the words a woman shared with me and said I could share here.
Have you had that voice in your head?
She knew all about ...do what makes you happy....stop waiting for him....you can't change anyone but yourself....you saw the signs before marriage.
Knowing in your head, all the truths, doesn't take away the tears. She was young and wondered if it was time to get out of this relationship.
What she needed was to talk and talk. She wanted to weep and felt too vulnerable. Then the tears fell. She let me hold one hand as she wiped her face with the other. She let me put a blanket over her.
She doesn't hold back at home, expressing to her husband. He gets it. He is sorry. He is who he is for now, is what she shared with me.
She sits in the unknown. Her practice is to be sweet to herself. Be present with the question, notice what she notices as she checks in with herself five times during the day about her thoughts and feelings, and to not push the waters for solutions.
She is a solution person. Quick and detailed. She chose the practices when I offered five.
We chatted with the part of her that wasn't happy all the time. Tears. Disappointments from friends who didn't reach towards her. Career that didn't praise her. Kids clinging to her legs and arms. Then came laughter.
Of course there is more to her inner chat. What she learned about herself was that she has a way of weeping and then finding humor WHEN SHE STOPS and goes within to that resource. She chose to close her door during the day and go within.
No solutions today.
What is happening for you that you didn't expect? How kind are you to yourself? Take care, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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Dreams to the Golden Doortag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9902013-05-03T16:03:45Z2013-05-03T16:06:43ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.com I wanted to know their marketing plan and pricing of my home. I also needed to like them. Sounds silly to say and yet, I knew the relationship between us mattered. I chose the third broker out of three. We continue to stay in touch.
Dream a dream just for you. Small dreams are satisfying, like weekly time in nature, new creative project, money set aside for a special vacation.
When you know more about who you are and who you aren't, decisions come easier, dreams get clearer.
If you are the type of person who needs help to stop over thinking an idea, get help. If you are a leader and now want to fall back and allow someone else to lead, who can help you?
If you dream a new career, what resources do you want to begin to gather?
I remember long ago, after a serious illness, I was re-entering the world with wellness. I still didn't feel two feet solidly on the ground. I did not leap. I stayed in touch, sometimes hour by hour with what my body was feeling and I needed right then.
Healing doesn't go in a straight line. Change doesn't either. You stand tall. You fall. You get back up again. No one wants to dream a dream, nor shift without support.
I am heading to teach at The Golden Door for a week (San Diego May 19-26, 2013)
If you want me to come to your community, just email or call. If you want a private session to begin whatever question you are walking, call or email to set a time that works for you. Contact information is below.
Take good care, Natalie
"You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream." -- C.S. Lewis
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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My Leap Of Faithtag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9882013-04-27T23:31:53Z2013-04-27T23:37:54ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comI had an experience out of town, 3000 miles from home. I was on work and fun time. When I came back home, the impact from those six days, gave me a new idea. I made a call, then another and then a final. Three interviews. I stayed curious with each person. Decision happened. I began the next action. I walked room by room. I sat. I teared up. I jumped up. I stayed up.
Long nights of preparation. Heavy lifting. Choices happened over and over. Questions asked at the table. Lists made. Calendar enlarged. Team player coming, hoping, for flattering light just before dark. Visuals happened. Print landed. Sign stood tall.
Have you guessed the leap? Yes, I put my house on the market. It sold in 14 days.
My twelve-year home, with room memories of children, husband, parents, in-laws, brother, sister, nephews, cousins, friends, Sophie the cat, work, colleagues, art salons, cooking classes, holidays with decorations, music, and layered tables of food, icing and gravy on the floor, paper ripped, fireplaces warming, sleep overs on sofas and airbeds, deep mourning from death, illness to wellness, constantly surrounded by my changing seasonal seeded garden of organic flowers, herbs, and veggies. A small swimming pool refreshed and once was visited by a mallard duck. Hardwood floors, natural light in every room, and of course, a pink bathtub that neither paint nor towels ever complimented. What can you do with a 50's era of pink? Surrender.
Each season, I would move the furniture. Each season, I would pull in beauty that made the rooms part of nature. A rustic bowl of birch twigs and peppertree branches, glass container of daffodils and lilac, baskets of arugula and spinach with collected beach stones, heirloom and grape tomatoes surrounded by basil, sugar pumpkins on tables. Every day was candle day. Every day was music day. Food was always in the refrigerator no matter how many were home. Cooking was creative and relaxing, satisfying, even for one. No microwave. Yes, French Press for a single black morning cup. Digital camera sat by the French doors on the piano, ready for my 6 am walk in the small garden, morning moist smell, quiet, just me and the birds, and of course, Sophie, following to sip from the side of the pool. I loved the morning anticipation of what I would see and smell in the garden. I had a front-bricked garden. I would go there late afternoon. I never tired of starting my day outside. Then it was work time.
My broker educated me about staging. I didn't think I would because I thought I had a good eye and feel for space and design. Not the same as staging, as I learned, from the stager. I truly appreciate the staging they did for our home. It delayed time to pack. Guess what; packing happens on time because movers show up.
Friday, open house for brokers. Sunday, open house for the public. Private appointments, happened, day or night. Clorox wipes in the yellow container were my go to for fast sparkle, fluffing all pillows became a routine, as well as, lights on, counters cleared. Couldn't hide things in cupboards or the washer like I had for a last minute clean up when unexpected guests dropped by before the days of the house being on the market. Buyers open every thing that will open. I waited for my broker to text me, "green light," which he and I planned in order to signal when I could come back home. My office was at home. Sometimes, I hid in my car, just down the street, close enough to see strangers on my land.
Drum roll.... Can you hear it....Can you feel it? Yes a solid offer. Paperwork was drawn, the to-do list was written, calendar filled; inspection, appraisal, potential buyers visiting, again, with their contractor and broker, my sharing about the neighborhood with them, and them simply being there with their team.
The next day their broker called my broker and mine called me to say, they changed their mind. They had been looking for a year. Their broker was so surprised and the change of plans. Still not sure. WHAT? Shock, disappointment, and of course, rise up again.
Fortunately, we had a backup offer. Think how happy they were when they got that call. Paper work, new couple over with their team. No packing until escrow closes. Inspection, appraisal, you know the list. Meet them. Like them. Gave them a list of restaurants, parks, parades, repair men, gardener, pool guy, my number, extra keys, heater instructions, etc.
Parts of our furniture were piled in the garage, looking like hoarders, as the stagers brought in a different look inside the house. No saying goodbye to staging until escrow closes. I said that before. Living it was trust.
I had two weeks to clean out that garage full of memories from my parents, my daughter's school days, his parents memories, his stuff, mine, documents, books, seasonal items like lounge chairs and folding chairs. I had three pick-ups for donations, including furniture from outside and in, marked with blue tape, meaning, yes take this.
Shredder and then finally, a company to shred it all, days and nights of memories, tears from photos, letters, cards, art, gifts. Laughter from written things my daughter said, "Tooth fairy, please don't take my tooth but leave me something. This is my first one and I want it." Note after note, card after card that she wrote me, "You are the best mom ever." I read those to her on the phone and we laughed. I texted her photos of them. I texted questions like, do you really want to keep those year books? She lived and worked out of town. I had forgotten, over the years, much of what I saved.
Now I was ready to toss it. I had piles of keep, donate, not sure, trash, give to friends. I used lawn bags, see through containers, and boxes. Marked them and put that information in a notebook, in case I needed to find it in storage. Yes, storage.
It was easiest to sort and decide room by room in the house than the garage. Clothes, shoes, bags, kitchen, linens, jewelry, jackets, boots, books, art, oh and umbrellas. Do you have too many? Who needs seven? Bubble wrap and cardboard for the photos and art hanging on walls, as well as mirrors, and flat screen TV. I sold some of my photos, better than storing them. I used carry cases that are file boxes for medical and professional and legal papers that I wanted to take with me. Keep sake photos I took with me as well, in those black carry cases, especially a case for my daughter. I knew she would visit and I didn't want those in storage. I wanted memories to be immediate after the move. Computers and cords, office needs, printer, chair, I wanted that to be with me. Me where?
So I had a pile that went with me, donations, storage items, all labeled and lined up in the rooms. The ones going in our cars were in the front courtyard, in blue IKEA bags, boxes, file carriers, see-through containers like bathroom needs. I packed the trunk of the cars, so they wouldn't accidentally go to storage. Half of the take with bags were lined up by the door, because the trunk in our cars couldn't hold them and we didn't want them visible in the driveway overnight. It was fast and easy to pack it up at 6 am into both our cars. Rolled the bedding and tossed it in the back seat. Packed high and tight. I took my office supplies and work needs. That was my biggest moving concern What if I put something I needed for work, in storage? I packed in my car, memories like photos and candles and a vase. I even picked veggies from the garden and put it in the basket. I brought three plants. Where am I going?
Oh was that a process, harder than we thought it would be because of pricing, location, year lease, and style of the rental. Every weekend I hunted in the city ,(about 45 minutes), as well as, hours on the computer looking at apartments, corporate housing, bungalows, home away from home, VRBO and Craigslist. One Saturday evening, I forced myself to look again at one of the rental services. We were moving in ten days with no place to go. I was tired of looking at rentals, more than tired of packing.
I found a furnished duplex, bottom unit, in a quiet, beautiful, walking, community, not far from the beach with mountains, no smog, and trees. I emailed the host and we connected. "Yes, I will take it and for six months." The duplex has similar to what I left, white sofas, same roses and yellow orchids in bloom, but no pink tub, still from the 50's, so blue tile. I keep finding similarities in the duplex, to where I came from. It has been two weeks. I am smiling. Putting purchasing a house on the back burner to integrate this leap.
Entering the unknown of selling and not having a home to buy, yet, has turned out to be a good thing. Time for meandering to see and explore what matters next? What is on your leap list?
If I can help, email or call, natalie@emptynestsupport.com, 818-763-0188.
Happy Spring,
Natalie
"It's the possibility of having dreams come true, that makes life interesting." - Paulo Coelho
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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Re-inventing Yourselftag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9862013-04-15T22:24:22Z2013-04-15T22:26:39ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comWhether kids come back home, or you have no children, boomers don't want to be invisible. They want to feel that their life learning's will be of VALUE. Talking with boomers across the country, I have not heard one say that they want to do nothing forever.
The opposite is true for them. They know they will continue to live a long life, which could be thirty more years. They don't see themselves in rocking chairs on a porch, eating at 4:30, and asleep by 7:30. They do see themselves out and about, learning, contributing, making money, and building new friendships.
Yes, they want to travel. Yes, they want grandchildren. Yes, they want to get fit. Yes, they want to re-marry. They want to live in walking communities, part of vibrancy and all ages of people, not only boomers.
Some have gone back to school to be acupuncturist, physical therapists, teachers, and spiritual teachers. Some have opened their own businesses, like designing jewelry, organizing, wardrobe styling, house staging, stationary, tutoring, etc. Others have asked merchants in their NEIGHBORHOOD for part time work, as a step towards re-entering the work force and a way of being part of a community.
What holds people back is JUDGEMENT about themselves. "I should have found something to do already. I am too old for anyone to hire me. My skills are dusty and people will see right through my flaws. I have no idea where to begin."
You and everyone else, has a critic voice. Take a step beyond that messenger inside your head. You also have a voice that tells you, you are valuable. Age isn't that block. You can begin a new anytime.
At this stage of life, you can practice hearing more than one voice and telling yourself, "maybe this is true AND maybe that is true too." Build a range of inner voices that support you. Top inner voice on your daily list is SELF COMPASSION.
Research, ask for help, be vulnerable and courageous, "I have some free time now, what help do you need?" People have shared with me that they are embarrassed to say they have free time. Why? It makes them feel like they failed, have no friends, or successful career.
They feel needy or they feel inflated. Inflated meaning, everyone should one to be with them, hire them, etc., needy meaning they are desperate for a new life which might show itself as being controlling, pushy, or talking too much.
Who doesn't have strengths and challenges? Really, who doesn't? Who doesn't make mistakes? SORRY I keep doing that to you and haven't...... THANK YOU for..... is two words, forgotten too often..
You don't have to say YES, instantly. You can say, "let me think about that."
I know that sounds obvious to get back to them later, and when you are hungry for CONNECTION, you forget to pause. Not pausing is another reason people don't re-invent. They fear committing because they forget as adults that they can change their mind. You get to change your mind. Permission granted.
Go. Begin something. Begin anything and see where that leads you. What that teaches you about yourself. Begin. Change doesn't happen if you don't begin.
Thank your CHATTERING HEAD for occupying your time and keeping you company. Now meet a NEW PART of yourself that has been WAITING and waiting for you to listen to her/him. Sit and ask, "does anyone within have some positive feedback for me?"
As you know, I RE-INVENTED my career eight years ago. I am happy. I began with an IDEA that I put into action a week later that included a circle of seven women. I reminded myself daily, that I would rather LEARN something new, FALL, get up again, than sit in GLUE. My new career has connected me with ALL AGES of people, creativity, friendships, travel, beauty, spirituality, health, bravery, skills, and more.
Doors I thought would open DIDN'T. Doors I never imagined knocking on OPENED. I am HERE if you want to re-invent and begin, BEGIN with a small step. A step that LIFTS your spirits, as you enter an unknown.
Take good care, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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An Inspired Lifetag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9832013-04-11T21:52:53Z2013-04-11T21:54:54ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comSitting in a circle with our women's group, one of the things I suggested we do was to give each other a massage. "I know nothing about massage, one woman shared, except to get them for myself."
Being a beginner is full of surprises, I replied." Let your partner know what kind of touch you like, slow, deep, pauses, light, no talking, sip of water, blanket, music, eye mask, object to hold, etc. Ask for what you want and ask for what you need from each other.
Is this feeling relaxing for you? Do you need Kleenex, a stopping time, do you want to chat? Our group of women has practiced saying what they feel and need, so here is another fun way to connect and learn about themselves.
I could hear giggles and tears. I could hear, oops, sorry. I saw people connecting. I offered to step in if they needed me. I said to the group, 'just raise your hand and I will come stand by you, be with you and guide if you need me. 'We had never done this in our women's group before.
They shared how present they felt because they were using their hands, moving, and they wanted to give "good", as one woman said.
One woman shared about her, as she called it, floppy tummy. I didn't care this time that someone saw it nor asked first, which I loved, is it ok if I gently massage here?" Ask before assuming was one of the tips before massaging someone.
Another woman shared that she honestly didn't want to do this but decided not to listen to that voice. She was glad she silenced that part of her. Fear was speaking, is what she learned.
Bottom line, every woman learned something about themselves and discovered learning inspired them. Mistakes didn't take away from being inspired. Feeling uncomfortable didn't either.
Trying something new, is an inspired life, don't you think?
Happy inspirations to you, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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Spring Break, Passover and Easter - Changestag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9812013-03-29T20:34:09Z2013-03-29T20:35:56ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comHolidays, traditions, people around the table and those who are no longer here, reflect that change happens. How do you cope?
Over and over, what seems to help is to be with whatever you are thinking and feeling. In our groups we practice knowing when to say stop, enough spinning the story and when we need to keep speaking.
There is no right way or rule. There is the truth that telling our stories is healing. When you are getting exhausted from your story or bored, maybe that is a clue to turn in another direction. Ask those you honestly trust for feedback about what they think would help you.
Sitting in change is uncomfortable. It helps to be open to what might help you. You don't have to know what the helper is. You can ask for help out loud or within yourself, "Please help me lift this sorrow. Please help me get through this challenge of saying goodbye by knowing I will be OK. Please guide me in ways that are best for my growth."
You will find your words. It is the intention of asking for help and not the perfection of the words. A deeper level in asking is that you are connecting with yourself and learning more about who you are and who you aren't today.
A woman shared with me that this year her daughter is leaving for college. They are so close. The holidays are around the corner and she feels caught in wanting to be in the mother role of making a beautiful holiday and another part of her wants to just weep.
She discovered she was putting too much focus on THIS IS THE LAST ONE rather than cooking and decorating in ways she loves and allowing herself to enjoy the chopping and mixing together in the kitchen. She was leaping ahead and might later regret she didn't enjoy this time together.
Don't we all do that at times? She is practicing holding both: Yes the rituals of the holidays may change next year AND we get to be together now.
You will be able to handle what changes arrive even if you don't like them. You just forget that you have handled changes before. You will be more than OK in the unknown, not knowing what is going to happen.
Give yourself permission to simply be human...not super mom, dad, aunt, grandmother, uncle, etc. Be who you are. You are loved. Remind yourself that you have loved them well and they do know it.
Allow yourself to feel all that you and collapse, as well as stand tall, again. These repeats while in the unknown, collapse, and then stand again, over and over.
Rest when you can. Take in the holiday celebrations by looking at the beauty around you and the faces of those gathered.
If you are solo, do a ritual for yourself honoring this fresh SPRING from seeds you planted and can still plant. Appreciate yourself. Weep and celebrate the life you are today. Next holiday might not be the same.
I remember a teacher once said to me, "WE THINK SUFFERING IS A BAD THING. THAT WE ARE BAD IF WE ARE SUFFERING. SUFFERING IS PART OF LIFE AND HAS NO JUDGEMENT."
May Spring Bloom for you in unexpected happy places,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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100 Cameras, My Storytag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9792013-03-01T22:31:31Z2013-03-02T18:27:18ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comWhen my daughter went 3,000 miles away to college, I felt a spread of feelings. Happy for her, excited that I, her mother was a part of her journey up to this door and empty from a role I loved and knew was shifting.
I had a career, husband, friends, family, and lovely home. I tell you that because I wasn't void of a good life. I was void of being with my daughter. The daily, ordinary days of parenting and challenging hours of differences came to a sudden stop.
No longer did I start my day attending to her needs and schedule. What I surprising held in my hand at 6:00 am, after I settled into my parenting shift, was a digital camera. If you had asked me if I were interested in owning a good camera or doing photography you would have clearly heard me say. NO thanks.
I always used a throw away camera to capture moments. I was the last in my group of friends to buy a digital. I wasn't motivated to learn something new since my plate was full and clouded with techy fears. I went past that fear by building a website and that was techy enough for then.
Finally, the pressure from friends and strangers and stories changed my mind. I bought silver digital. Silver changed my mornings.
I couldn't wait to touch the cold morning floor, grab SILVER, and see with it how my small veggie and flower garden were growing. Then I walked my neighborhood, taking photos and meeting other walkers, dogs, kids with back packs, and strangers asking, "What are you doing?" My response, "having fun"
Silver became a new best friend. She helped me see what I didn't make time to stop for. She got me out the door on weekends to places I wouldn't have seen nor people I probably wouldn't have met.
Coming back and printing gave me instant gratification and that element of surprise. What did I see? What will I keep, toss, frame, or sell. Yes, I have sold photos. I became part of a new community of people with cameras .
I am not a professional photographer. I am a happy photographer. It is still SILVER and I with a lot more batteries and memory cards.
A camera changed my life. 100 cameras is changing lives. When people ask me, "Where can I volunteer or get involved somehow now that I have more free time, I suggest, 100 cameras. Check them out. Read their stories. See their happy people who didn't know what a camera in hand would show them nor connect within them and their communities.
100 cameras empowers marginalized children to document their lives through photography and to create positive change in their own communities. 100% of the money from the children's purchased prints is used to raise awareness and capital to meet physical needs and empower sustainable growth within their community.
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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Stucktag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9772013-02-27T00:42:32Z2013-02-27T00:45:40ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comWho is minding the store when you are stuck? Is it the inner pusher, the critic, the perfectionist, the bully, the little one, or a combination? Well, you know what I mean.
In our support groups and private sessions, we shared what it is like being STUCK. Losses come up, dreams died and won't get birthed, people disappointed, communities are gone - those are some of the deeper issues that emerge when you feel stuck. You are trying to make decisions and old memories cloud your step forward.
Doubt is normal. We all laughed about that reality and yet we don't like it. Most want to have a plan and do it.
Fear of the unknown keeps tightening our throats. We don't know where to begin. We can't see choices. Choices we made didn't work out. We have old parts that feed the doubt. Weeping is a good thing. When you are sitting where you didn't want to sit and no one is holding your hand, loneliness is sad. Even when you receive loving comfort, you are sad. Sad because you don't have answers and fear they won't appear for a long long time. You don't want to suffer.
Truth is, suffering is a part of life. We just judge it too much, don't you think? "Oh your problem is nothing compared to others, so stop being sad." Who is that inner voice in your head or is it someone in your life that tells you that?
Daily practice: Make friends with the UNKNOWN. "Hello unknown, what do you want me to know today? You have more practice in not knowing than I do, so gently tell me something"
Sit where you are comfortable and ask that question. Listen and notice what you feel when you begin a relationship with the unknown part of you. Notice. It is helpful to ask that question three times a day. We think once is enough and research shows it is not. Research actually says to ask five times a day.
Getting to know more about being in the unknown when you are in a transition, can calm you, teach you, and guide you towards what you want and need.
Example of what might come up in these short chats with your unknown:
• You have worried before and that is just a jump start for you. Don't kill the worrier. Just go past it. • This is a new growing place for you. Growth is good. • You don't like feeling vulnerable because you think it is so big. Don't make it big. Make it a line in your story of the day.
Begin a conversation with the UNKNOWN. See what you learn about you.
Take good care, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops ]]>
Valentine Solotag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9752013-02-13T22:08:55Z2013-02-13T22:11:45ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.com What to do when you have no Valentine THIS YEAR? We asked that question and here are some answers:
1. Treat yourself to something you wish someone would buy you. 2. Dance with the music loud. 3. Go to a group class that night. 4. Make a list of what YOU LOVE about YOURSELF. 5. Make cards and give them to your neighbors' kids or local school. 6. Comfort food. 7. Weep and ask for help when you need it.
What have you done in the past when you were solo on Valentine's Day? HIDE was the most common word. Just want it to pass because it is so unrealistic in the movies and commercials. Why don't they talk about SOLO on Valentine's Day?
You hear the phrase, LOVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE... what do you think of that? How do you make that happen? People shared that loving your life and being grateful never happens every day. People have happy and sad days. Just keep going.
Practice not comparing yourself to others, nor needing to answer WHY NOT ME? Reflecting on who you are and who you aren't is helpful. Critical of self never heals a heart. Mystery is a part of everyone's life.
Our GROUP decided on the 14th to EMAIL each other with any thought, quotation, photo, etc....just for the fun of it. ..... even a recipe or dream vacation on their list....Make it a creative day and a way to connect with each other.
Take good care, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
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What Is Fun About Love?tag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9732013-02-02T00:05:55Z2013-02-02T00:09:10ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.com February, and our women's group decided to write, photograph, draw, cut out pictures from magazines, garden a day, bake, doodle, or any creative idea that would focus on love.
People call in tears that they want February 14 to be off the calendar when they are solo or in the emptiness of a quiet house. It isn't easy to feel left out or wonder when is love coming my way?
The transition of loss of love is so so painful. You believed if you talked about your challenges that you could work something out to ignite the love again. You believed if you stayed open and didn't desperately seek, you would be in love again.
Oh the list is long of disappointments and wonderments why some are in love and others feel invisible in the realm of being loved.
When answers aren't clear and efforts are exhausting, what about a pause and loving what you like in a day of creativity?
I know, not exactly a complete filler for February 14 and yet who knows what you will learn about yourself when you FOCUS ON CREATIVITY that lifts your mood and gets you going in a day. Begin now on this first day of February and see what new ideas arrive for Valentine's Day.
I loved it when a woman shared with me that she often visits romantic times in her life and things she did for her partner and he for her. She said that made her simply feel good to remember, rather than bad, that love isn't sitting in her chair right now.
Another friend is not interested right now in partnering. She wants her own routine and doesn't feel she can compromise for another person's needs and wants.
A fun story is the woman who was in a dark time of life and love showed up. She shared she wasn't at her best then, with money issues, losses of friends and lovers, and not sure about her career. She can't figure out how it happened and is enjoying the love today. Her little fears pop up that it will disappear and she just ignores that voice.
What is fun about love for you? Is there something you enjoy creatively that is loving for you?
Begin something this weekend for you that feels loving.....
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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She Can't Do Ittag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9712013-01-29T00:39:07Z2013-01-29T00:43:51ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comWhen Molly shared her story, I wept. The short of it is this. She was headed to her dream job that landed without years of struggle. She fell. Not outside but within herself. She felt, not good enough, for this newness. She said she wasn't going. She didn't.
She allowed me to share although that is not her name.
You might be surprised at her decision.
For HER, it was a positive choice. She had worked on unfolding her hidden vulnerabilities to herself and others. They emerged like a duck under water nibbling for food. Her courage to be vulnerable was the best job at this time that she could ever dream to receive. Her entire life she skimmed on tears and feelings. Not safe for her, then. Not enough true support. Not hungry to change.
There are big gifts in saying NO THANK YOU. There are life gems in beginning again with ACTION when you sound out the NO THANK YOU.
Her "not good enough" was about not being able to be with deeper feelings. Her new job would have taken an open window from her work and slammed it shut with doing and doing and being seduced by money. She could not do both at this time.
She is a five star worker bee. She is qualified. She is an asset to a team. Today she chooses team self by staying with the familiar job and continuing to explore more about who she is and isn't when it comes to feelings and comfort for those feelings.
Her decision. Her trust of self and life. Her priorities of what matters to her now, not tomorrow.
What can't you do?
Keep warm, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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I Can't Do This Anymoretag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9682013-01-18T18:39:49Z2013-01-18T18:42:29ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comShe called in tears. I have to do everything solo. I am good at it and that doesn't matter. I have a problem. I give and accomplish and get acknowledged. I feel lonely. The joy of doing the job well doesn't fill the sorrow. She continued.
Friends call to support me and it is consistently with empathy. GO BEYOND EMPATHY. Do something that I don't have to lead. Give something that you come up with. Lift me once in a while. She sobs now. Grieving is here.
Part of her story:
I have always been able to let others take over. Control and perfection aren't my blocks. I am not a quitter. I have a cupboard of tools to feed my good and bad days. I get that I have added big smiles to people. I feel stuck in the snow of winter darkness. I am sad that I don't have a community of givers. I feel disappointed in people who act like they care and yet continue to exclude me even when I am somewhat confrontive about needing them to put some of their time with me on the table.
Oh, I am just having a tantrum today.
Who doesn't have days when they feel nothing is going their way and loneliness feels so deeply painful. All that is real. Grieving the disappointments is needed. Weep and weep.
Share your unfiltered feelings and thoughts with someone you can trust. Take the time you need. What is so uncomfortable is feeling VULNERABLE. Hearing this part of you open. Feeling "needy." Not being the wise, good person and now being the one who feels so sad and lost. Vulnerable for sure. The life you thought you would have isn't visible.
IT IS A GIFT FOR YOU AND SOMEONE YOU SHARE WITH, to let yourself be just who you are in that day. It takes COURAGE and TRUST. Those words are often used, yet UNDERSTOOD when you act on them. NO ONE WANTS TO FEEL vulnerable nor sit in darkness. It hurts. It feels frightening that you are trapped in same-same.
What is TRUE is, IT DOESN"T last forever. You make new steps. You feel a lift after the underworld of grieving and loneliness. HOW? By feeling, expressing, and NOT judging yourself for who you are.
Yes, asking for help. Yes, finding something to nurture you, like being in the comfort of your bed and a movie. Yes, a warm shower. Journaling, walking, doodling, getting outside for something, etc.
YOU are so brave. YOU are so wise to be just who you are with vulnerability. Many people cannot go there. They haven't built a bridge to their inner world. You have.
They haven't gotten help to dive deeper beyond empathy. YOU HAVE. HONOR YOUR COURAGE. HONOR YOUR LIFE THAT MIXES ALL THE COLORS, expectedly and unexpectedly, attractive, and unattractive.
For me, in times of tears and doubts, I turn to nature, music, writing, TV, and a friend. I let myself FALL APART because I trust me. I am curious and I work at knowing more about who I am and who I am not. I rarely numb out or become unavailable to my feelings and thoughts. I sort what are unrealistic expectations and where I am allowing the critic to hammer me rather than stepping out of that room.
When people show you who they are over and over, do you think that is who they are? Do you stay too long at the fair? Do you spin rather than shift and look in another direction? What do you do and what don't you do that might teach you more about you? Do you keep your foot on the pedal too long rather than turning off the key?
When you are in tears of sorrow and vulnerability, it is not a time to ask your deeper questions. WEEP WEEP......you will come up for fresh air. Dive deeper into yourself when calmness returns, don't you think?
Begin to open to new parts of yourself that are waiting to meet you. Waiting to take your hand and sit beside you. Ask them to come find you. BE WITH ME. HELP ME NOW.
This is your precious life and you are loved, you are, truly, YOU are loved......
Take good care, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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Not Who I Thought I Might Betag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9662013-01-08T15:15:41Z2013-01-08T15:26:22ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comMany share that line when they call for support as they are going through divorce, career shift, retiring, empty nest, illness, or finding new meaning. "I thought I was a grown up. I feel like an adolescent." " I had no idea I would stay in my stretch pants for days and flip the channels. I just weep at odd times, like when I am at the market. I need to find something meaningful to do, I am excited and still I feel so tired and worried."
I am sure you could share what surprises you when you are going through losses or happy times that put you in an unknown territory.
Here are a few tips:
1. Change is an invitation to go within and get to know more about who you are and aren't. A few minutes in the morning and evening, asking how you are feeling and what you need, keep you connected to you.
2. Dormant parts of you will emerge and other inner parts long to have a say in your life. Anger and wisdom are within, as well as, creativity and sensuality. Parts want to support you. Parts want to misguide you. You have a smorgasbord to get to know.
3. Practice not looking back too often nor ahead too often. Present moment is a gift. It will surprise you how it supports your past thoughts and your future anxieties. FEEL YOUR FEET ON THE FLOOR. LIGHT A CANDLE AND LOOK AT THE FLAME.
4. Stop yourself from being critical of you. I am sure you are doing the best you can for now. Change is so vulnerable.
5. ASK FOR SUPPORT. You would be there for someone. Find something to connect with, even if it is on the computer.
6. Put beauty inside your home. You decide what looks beautiful to you and give that to yourself.
7. Remind yourself this won't last forever. Calmness will return. Trust takes practice.
I know this sounds different. "HAVE A CHAT WITH THE UNKNOWN" You could begin with, "I never like not knowing what to do or how to get out of feeling terrible. Do you have any suggestions for me?" Then listen, listen, listen. Do this three times a day. You are building a relationship with your inner world. Some call it meditation. Some call it time with self. Ask for inner help, as well as outer help. Try not to isolate. Think less and reach for help.
Take good care,
We are building a community where we can be met right where we are. Let me know how I can help you or your community.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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Don't Lose Your Ideastag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2013:/blog//10.9632013-01-03T18:14:35Z2013-01-03T18:19:06ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comHappy New Beginnings as we enter 2013.
In our group we talked about exciting ideas each of has that includes both our inner and outer world. We shared what behaviors keep us going even when we naturally collapse. Each person wrote two ideas that will help them be kind to themselves no matter what happens in a day.
Most agreed we have habits of focusing more on the challenges than the little happiness's we experience. As you have heard me say before, tell those habitual voices within that criticize you, "You won't really do that. You shouldn't have said that".
You just keep doing so you don't have to be with yourself because then you will discover you are a con artist, "THANKS FOR SHARING. I'VE GOT THIS".
You aren't going for perfection. Hopefully you are going for getting to know yourself better and how you can love and be loved.
Make a choice, any choice and begin. You get to change your mind. You get to ask for help.
I am very excited about 2013. Part of growing is being able to live in the unknown. Never easy. What you do know is that you will care for yourself no matter what.
Let's begin together to love the life we have and be open to what unfolds and to what we enjoy.
P.S. One woman wanted me to tell you that she is going to say YES more than NO. What is something you are thinking about for 2013?
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
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Solo During The Holidaystag:www.emptynestsupport.com,2012:/blog//10.9612012-12-13T23:46:33Z2012-12-13T23:51:03ZNatalie Cainehttp://www.emptynestsupport.comHolidays are full of memories and gatherings. It is painful when you feel lonely and it seems the rest of the world is cheering and getting together. You feel left out and wonder "why aren't I invited"? Each year I speak with people naturally weeping about how their life is honestly lonely during the holidays and they can't wait for it to be over.
Pain is pain. Loss is loss. Who wouldn't weep when life is not how you hoped it would be.
One tip that helps is:
1. Being solo right now hurts and IT WON'T HURT for always. New ideas will emerge. Next year could be amazing for you.... Change is never without tears. You know the list of things you can do to ease the pain; volunteering, comfort foods and movies, ideas for New Year and You, etc.
Here's a short story that one of my clients chose to do:
Carrie (not her real name) was divorced and her kids were married. This year was not her year to be with them. It was the in laws celebration. They tried to do it all and just couldn't.
Carrie made a choice. She was nervous and still she called her neighbor and asked if she could help for the holiday cooking, decorations, errands, and if she could stop by that day. She told them she didn't have plans. She didn't want them to have to say yes, come by, so she said, "You can say no and I won't take it personally. I know it is family, special time."
She left her embarrassing feeling of not having friends this year, family, or anything to do, and brought up a possibility for herself. What she didn't know is that there are thousands of people who don't have plans nor friends around. She didn't know she had that part of her that could take a risk and ask for something she wanted at holiday time.
Her neighbor has three kids and a big family coming to visit. She was thrilled to have Carrie's help. She acknowledged how out of the box and refreshing it is when someone asks for what they want. She and her neighbor didn't see each other much during the year and still Carrie felt the good neighbor feeling.
Now she has that day to look forward to and not feel as lonely.
Another woman chose to make her home beautiful for herself and to celebrate all that she appreciates about herself and what she has given in her lifetime. She wrote the list on brown paper and taped it on her bedroom wall. She began writing what she wants to let go of and what she wants to bring towards her.
Christmas Eve she will walk in to her local church and listen to holiday music, leaving a donation since she isn't a member. Still, sad, she wants something that puts her with others during the holiday.
2. WHAT DOESN'T HELP is to spin in your precious head about why you are left out or what is wrong with you? Stop that voice so it doesn't take away from the inner and outer beauty of you. Treat yourself, and don't feel like you shouldn't, to something that lifts your spirits....candles, plants, cozy pajamas, slippers, etc.
May joy come your way and peace sit in your heart. You are not alone. You matter more than you remember.
Take good care, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A. Life In Transition, What's Next? Empty Nest Support Services (800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold. www.lifeintransition.org www.emptynestsupport.com
- Private Telephone Consultations - Speaking engagements - Support groups - Workshops - Mentoring - Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
It's not about the kids. It's me. I thought my life would be different now. I thought I would have a partner that wanted to be fun. Those are the words a woman shared with me and said I could share here. 
I had an experience out of town, 3000 miles from home. I was on work and fun time. When I came back home, the impact from those six days, gave me a new idea. I made a call, then another and then a final. Three interviews. I stayed curious with each person. Decision happened. I began the next action. I walked room by room. I sat. I teared up. I jumped up. I stayed up. 
Whether kids come back home, or you have no children, boomers don't want to be invisible. They want to feel that their life learning's will be of VALUE. Talking with boomers across the country, I have not heard one say that they want to do nothing forever. 
Sitting in a circle with our women's group, one of the things I suggested we do was to give each other a massage. "I know nothing about massage, one woman shared, except to get them for myself." 
Holidays, traditions, people around the table and those who are no longer here, reflect that change happens. How do you cope? 
When my daughter went 3,000 miles away to college, I felt a spread of feelings. Happy for her, excited that I, her mother was a part of her journey up to this door and empty from a role I loved and knew was shifting.
Who is minding the store when you are stuck? Is it the inner pusher, the critic, the perfectionist, the bully, the little one, or a combination? Well, you know what I mean. 
When Molly shared her story, I wept. The short of it is this. She was headed to her dream job that landed without years of struggle. She fell. Not outside but within herself. She felt, not good enough, for this newness. She said she wasn't going. She didn't.
She called in tears. I have to do everything solo. I am good at it and that doesn't matter. I have a problem. I give and accomplish and get acknowledged. I feel lonely. The joy of doing the job well doesn't fill the sorrow. She continued.
Many share that line when they call for support as they are going through divorce, career shift, retiring, empty nest, illness, or finding new meaning. "I thought I was a grown up. I feel like an adolescent." " I had no idea I would stay in my stretch pants for days and flip the channels. I just weep at odd times, like when I am at the market. I need to find something meaningful to do, I am excited and still I feel so tired and worried."
Happy New Beginnings as we enter 2013. 
Holidays are full of memories and gatherings. It is painful when you feel lonely and it seems the rest of the world is cheering and getting together. You feel left out and wonder "why aren't I invited"? Each year I speak with people naturally weeping about how their life is honestly lonely during the holidays and they can't wait for it to be over.
