How do you still have a celebration?

1. Lower your expectations…food burns, weather makes you late, sadness can’t is unplanned; perfection is only a romance in movies.

2. Name your fears….you will feel overwhelmed, you will get stuck in the losses of who isn’t at the table, fights will emerge.

3. Make time for you…get outside and walk, read a magazine, short story, poem, listen to relaxing music and have a warm bath with candles.

4. Say what you are grateful for out loud…I know you say you always do that or will do that, but this time drop in deeper and share with the people you are celebrating the holidays. Maybe name specifically what you appreciate about someone who is right in front of you.

5. Have a box of games that everyone can play together, Pic-up Sticks, Jacks, cards, Slinkies, Apples to Apples (game of funny comparisons for all ages)

6. Get people involved and connected in the kitchen; chopping, washing, pouring.

7. Make something together for dessert or treats like pretzels rolled in chocolate or smoothies to sip.

8. Talk about those who have passed or aren’t at the table who you wish could be there. Stories are healing.

9. Share family videos and rent videos for sit and be time, as well as, a good laugh.

10. Get everyone up and out for a neighborhood walk. Some may want a bag to pick up nature pieces on the way to bring back and make art or to remember the gathering time.

A little pre-time with self in meditation or silent walking, or writing in your journal will center you; get you in touch with what matters and what doesn’t. You can do this the day before and then have a post it to remind you to breathe.

It may work better for you this year to celebrate on a day that isn’t on the calendar, therefore, making a time to still have your rituals but not at the time you use to have them. Thanksgiving on Saturday, not Thursday. You can even make your own Christmas Eve and day celebration that is not the tradition on the calendar.

Find out what your community offers that you might join this year by goggling events in your area, reading the throw away papers, asking the churches and temples, food banks, shelters, orphanages, tree planting, singing etc.

Donate what you know someone would appreciate in a hospital, nursing home, shelter.

I know when I am in a funk, sad, and uncertain it helps if I name what is…example…These are just feelings; these are just behaviors punching my buttons, this is just a disappointing day because you aren’t here.

There is no one like you and that is miraculous. Appreciate your life. Value what you have given and received.

I deeply appreciate all of you being part of my community. The way you share your vulnerabilities and joys is inspiring.

Take care,
Natalie

News brings up memories and feelings. We are a community here. We will come together no matter what the ups and downs. We will be here to celebrate good times.

Change, whether for joy or challenges, brings up newness and maybe a sense of feeling off balance…a now what?

Maybe you can remember the times you were hurting and didn’t think the pain would end. It did. Maybe you can reach out to something or someone that does lift you. Post on the empty nest support message board for some cheering together or for someone to help cheer you up. Help someone else if you are feeling lifted, even if it is as easy as a smile, opening a door, sharing a positive thought.

Get into nature and walk. See the falling leaves and bare trees. What has dropped away and what is empty, but still very alive?

In the election results, what are you grateful for? In other words, what can you love about your life right now even if you do or don’t have what you want, if your candidate didn’t win? How can you participate in life even though you have fears and disappointments? What excitement has emerged from the results of the election and how are you apart of that?

- No matter what the results are for you, we still all have work to do on this journey. We know a parent’s job never ends.
- What little changes do you want to attempt?
- What do you appreciate about yourself?
- What one encouragement could someone give you that would lift you to reach?
- What holds you back? Do you think that can change?

Write in your journal. Get creative with art, whether you draw, collage, paint, take photos, sing, dance, sew, do pottery, blow glass, design, act, craft, tell stories, play an instrument….start a project for yourself and then share it.

This is a moment that has been building, which you understand from preparing for your changing role as a parent or from already sitting in the empty nest.

Transformation is possible.
Change happens and it always will.

We are here to help each other gather our inner resources, pass a Kleenex, and jump up and down in celebration of life.

I am looking forward to the possibilities and peace of all of our lives.

Take care,
Natalie
Founder Empty Nest Support Services
800-446-3310 toll free number
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles, CA.

- Review your talents.
- Check out how you are doing with your self-worth rather than allowing your inner critic to blind you.
- Get outside and look at the changing colors.
- Focus on what is working in your life.
- Speak up.
- Take baby steps for newness.
- Lower your expectations in order not to set yourself up for being hurt. Reality check helps.
- Differences allow for curiosity and compassion.
- Notice what limits you and stop the chatter. Stand tall.

I could go on and on with what I need to hear myself remember, but fortunately for you and for me, I need to get out the door.

LOVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE

Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310

They called me ahead of the event, wondering what their role will be. What changes will they experience and will they have those horrible tears, again? Oh, not tears from their children, but from their eyes, having to do the big hug goodbye, again…letting go, starting over.

But they feel it is all worth it. Parents called talking about meeting their children’s new friends and new parents, going to college lectures, tours of downtown, campus, and college museums, dining hall meals, sports events, concerts and of course, shopping.

They planned ahead to be as realistic as possible that changes will be present. Some children don’t have that many new friends. Some feel pressure to study even though their parents came to visit. Some won’t spend the night at the hotel with their parents because they have other plans. Some don’t want to be part of the campus events that weekend because they just want to do their own thing with their parents. Even if they made some plans with their children before the event, they realize plans will change, so lower your expectations of the “shoulds” and schedules.

I miss those weekends. I don’t feel tearful this year. I actually am smiling as I remember and relate to you the stories I have been hearing. My daughter graduated college, May, 2007. I understand the excitement and anxiety of it. Parents, grandparents and siblings, even the dog, all gather to peek into the life of their precious college kid. Rain or shine, they are wearing the college sweat shirt, proudly, as they follow their child across campus, clicking their digital cameras, hopefully being in the moment and not in the worry of letting go, again. Life will always bring changes, but hopefully Parent’s Weekend will be a Heavenly Day, as Patty Griffin sings, “tomorrow may bring sorrow, but let’s enjoy today, oh heavenly day.”

Have fun, families,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
www.emptynestsupport.com

You wonder how they are doing. Will they call or email to say hello, which of course would instantly make you smile all day.

Separation is change. Change is lonely and unsettling to say the least.

Mothers and fathers have been calling with feelings and questions. Good news is they are saying what is real for them. They want to know if these feelings are “normal”, how can they find support and how long will the tears fall, what will be meaningful for them now that parenting isn’t filling their daily life? They want to know how to connect with their children and not get so resentful that they feel left out. They worry about finances, health, marriage issues, their ill parents, their other children who are in the midst of growing up. They have regrets and they have dreams. The list is long with wonderments. They want to know how to say what it is they want to be saying and not be punished for it.

All these feelings and questions are normal for sure. I began this web over six years ago when I too was heading into the empty nest and didn’t want to travel the dirt, gravel, and newly paved roads, alone.

I deeply appreciate all of you who are curiously and courageously connecting with me and the community we are building here, on and off this website.

Thank goodness for telephones, which have given me scheduled conversations during private consultations, with parents across the country.

My inspiration today sounds simple, but takes practice. LOVE THE PRECIOUS LIFE YOU HAVE. We have detoured at times, falling into darkness for what we don’t have. The paradox is , yes we need to feel and value our feelings of being sad, lonely , angry, disappointed, rejected, confused, disillusioned, left out, scared, betrayed.

And, we need to remind ourselves that FEELINGS WON’T DROWN US. They are feelings, not monsters.

There are many parts to us that include feelings and include peace, happiness, gratitude, restoration, action, choices, forgiveness, new beginnings, beauty, and standing tall.

LOVE THE PRECIOUS LIFE YOU HAVE by reminding yourself what love means to you, what you love about yourself, what you love about someone you know, and what matters in your life on a daily basis no matter what other parts might be trying to ruin your life.

As you know, I am a strong believer in the creativity, passion, and insights that journaling provides. Write to yourself as a way to remember to LOVE THE PRECIOUS LIFE YOU HAVE.

Post a note in your bathroom, or by your computer, from your journal that surprised you as you saw it show up on your pages. There is a whole new world inside you, waiting to come out.
That world is filled with freedom and joy and you deserve to unfold it.

Happy New Beginnings,

Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Now we have a fun idea for you!

Join our empty nesters online who are journaling. No one needs to go through this major life change alone. We are building another community to connect and unfold parts of us that had to go dormant while the children were at home.

Some empty nesters have a dream of telling their story and getting it published on webs, magazines and books.

Some want to journal as a way to remember and to heal.

Others love the surprise of what shows up when they sit with an empty page and simply write what shows up in the moment.
It can’t show up, unless you sit and make time for you to write. The head never writes. It is the heart that has the courage to sit in the emptiness until the first word drops.

You get to change your mind as you write. You can cross it out, but first, just write without stopping to fix it.

We are offering an ongoing journaling class in four week sessions.
Space is limited to ten people per session so that everyone meets and has a chance to share and write.

I will be providing assignments and prompts as well as leading us through this exciting discovery.

Directions on who this works online will be provided. It is easy with just a click on your computer.

Classes begin on Tuesday October 21st (8pm-9pm Eastern, 7pm-8pm Central, 5pm-6pm Pacific Time) so email natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Checks (each session is $25; $100 for the four – you must sign up for all four sessions) payable and mailed before class begins to:
Empty Nest Support Services
11684 Ventura Blvd Suite 960
Studio City, CA. 91604

Web is www.emptynestsupport.com
Toll free number 800 446 3310
Local number 818 763 0188

It is ok to pass this blog onto others who might want to share the journey with you.

I started my diary when I was in third grade. Now, it is journaling. While being a parent, having a career, taking care of my home, garden, and of course husband, family and friends, my writer went dormant. That is what re-emerged for me once my daughter left for college. I had no idea that passion was in me. I had forgotten about my diary, my writing memories from my teacher in third grade who said these encouraging words to me, “If you want to be a writer someday, you could. You write wonderful stories.”

You have no idea what memories will surface until you have the courage to make the time for you to write.

Hope to see you in the journaling class.
Take care,
Natalie

Your sadness and anxiety are real. It is interesting how parents and children parallel each other, both beginning new journeys and new roles. Different reasons for the change, but still, change is scary and lonely.

After all the lists and build up of goodbye, and the months of being together in the same home, and sometimes wanting them out already, it is time to rest. I know there are times you didn’t cry in order for your child not to worry about you. Velcro Kleenex to yourself and let it out. Tears are healing. Talking is healing. Even if you are glad they finally left, talk about that.

• Write your story of what you will miss.
• Write what you are looking forward to, like less laundry and dirty dishes in the sink.
• Write what you remember people over the years, have said that complimented you.
• Write what lifts you up and gets you out the door.
• Write what you admire about your best friend.
• Write what your worries are.
• Write what has blown you away that you were able to do even in tough times.
• Write what you have done when you had free time.
• Write what you need this moment.
• Write what you are grateful for.

I guess you figured out I am a believer in the healing of journaling. It unfolds you to new parts of yourself. It brings memories that trigger other feelings and thoughts. It is safe, quiet time for you. It can lead you to what’s next for you.

You can do it on your computer or paper and just keep it in a folder or you can buy a big lined journal where you can doodle and write. It is for you, not your English teacher.

Curiosity and compassion can be your two best friends any time of day.

Make plans, though, to be nurtured.
Have an inspiring healing tape in your room to come home to and turn it on as you rest.

Have a friend email you to check on you and to remind you to go for a walk. Tell them ahead of time that you need this to start your day for the first week.

I notice if a plan is not on the calendar, we let the days pass by without being nurtured, so get it on your calendar. Sign up for fun on your calendar and go get. Play time for you. PLAY. We forget how to play. The other day, I was visiting a college student and she had a hoola hoop. I slipped it over and wiggled in her apartment. You know what makes you feel a little better.

Focus on yourself and try to stop the chatter in your head about what is she/he doing, why aren’t they calling, should I call, etc.

This is your time, in little ways, to get to know you again, not as a mother, not as a wife, partner, friend, daughter, sibling, employee, etc.

Enjoy time with you and crawl back in when you feel too vulnerable. You will go “out” again. Let yourself simply be soft, sweet, with you. Play music if you know you have more tears, but can’t let them flow. Rent a sad movie. I have had parents call saying they can’t stop doing because they are afraid they will flood in their tears. You won’t drown. I promise.

EACH TIME WE SAY GOODBYE WE GRIEVE FOR WHAT LEFT

Each time it matters how we care for ourselves. TREAT YOURSELF WELL and ASK FOR HELP. You would help someone if they were sad.

Take good care,
Natalie, whose daughter just left to go back to her job out of town and whose nephew flew into his sophomore college year, three thousand miles away, whose niece called , feeling homesick this week, which was her first college week and whose other nephew leaped into a new job and called having doubts. Change….it will always happen. Build inner resources for yourself that you can access in the moment! Breathing out loud is a great resource. Move into your new role and leave the perfection keys in the garbage. All of us will make mistakes and figure out how to course correct.

Natalie Caine, M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
800-446-3310 toll free: California time
www.emptynestsupport.com
natalie@emptynestsupport.com

Take good care

Empty nest is not for long because they do come back, but for now, that is not what you are thinking and feeling.

It is so normal to feel tearful, even having the ugly cries. The role you love is instantly going to change when you come back home from that hug at the dorm.

You know the role you played as a parent and who they were as your child will be different. Change is lonely and scary at times.

For now, plan for you.

- Focus on what you need when the house is silent.
- Get some videos.
- Have coffee and talk time scheduled with a friend.
- Get nurtured and rest.
- Put a flowering plant in your bedroom.
- Start your journal.
- Pause before you text or instant message them. Do you need to call a friend for comfort and let your child be?
- Ask a friend to email you in the mornings and evenings just to have some connection and not isolation the first week.
- Write a list of what is fun for you and what you are good at when you have the energy to dream again.

At first, you might be feeling immobile and simply grieving. Normal for sure. Ask for help.

Take good care of yourself and be gentle in this major transition.

Natalie

A mother said I could share that with you as she shared it with me in a telephone session.

For weeks she was, of course, sad when her daughter left for college. She expected all the grieving feelings, but didn’t realize she would be angry.

Long story short, she wasn’t angry with her daughter, but angry that she never felt like she had been nurtured in the way she wanted to be by her mother. She had done therapy in the past and knew this in her head but again the feelings dropped into her empty heart.

She wanted to be the little one again who didn’t have to make anything happen. After sorting through herself and lots of Kleenex, her real crankiness, as she called it, turned into cranking it up.

She joined a gym, hiking group, that meets for a full moon hike, picked one new place in her city to visit each weekend, got a bi-weekly massage for forty dollars, and kept checking out books from the library ,but also stayed to form a reading group for those who need big print.

Her daily practice was to write in her journal and do a silent walking meditation.

Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 toll free
818-763-0188 local California time

We know that, but when we are hurting we isolate. We don’t pick up the phone and ask a friend for help. We want to be the strong one.

So I suggest you make a list of who you feel uplifted around? Who are you yourself with? Who is cheering for your happiness?

Most of us play the role of supporter and so we feel vulnerable when we reveal ourselves. Surprise is, we become closer to the friend who we speak our pain to. Being vulnerable and telling even a secret, bonds us.

Here’s my take…we are already feeling horrible so what is there to lose if we say everything that is crowding our head and heart? A friend is just like you…a person who listens and honestly wants the best for you, neither jealous nor self centered, a person who is able to be present and not putting their agenda on you. They know you are not them.

If you don’t have a friend near by, use email or the phone. Don’t wait all day for the pain to pass, reach out early. Don’t let the part of you win that says, it will pass, get over it, or whatever sabotage enters your room. Being vulnerable, awkward, is actually normal.

We have forgotten how to put our needs first and receive the compassion and nurturing we deserve. Sounds trite, but over and over, I hear this to be true.

What we know in out heads, we forget to bring to our hearts. Believe it or not, we think to much rather than reaching for a hand. Just reach and call out to someone.
Kleenex wouldn’t exist without us and Kleenex is a good thing.

Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
www.emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310

College graduation was last May, three thousand miles from home. I still can well with tears. We all had so much fun gathering around my daughter and her friends. Dancing, eating, singing, crying, laughing, and clicking the cameras. Flowers and cakes, gifts and notes and one last stroll across the green, flowering, brick buildings of the east coast campus.

I planned a secret wish list for her during the dinner at her favorite college restaurant.

Everyone had a chance to write what they wish for her and roll it, tie it in a ribbon, and toss it in the glass goblet on the table.

Some were funny…hope you learn cleaning skills and some were wishes for dreaming and living one dream at a time.

As empty nesters, during one of my gatherings, we talked about our dreams which started to unwrap after the impact of them leaving.

I think it was a good idea to talk and write about those dreams.

Here are a few of the dreams parents shared. I pass them to you while you are in the midst of excitement and messy bandanas:

- Join a book club
- Travel once a year for more than a week away
- Go back to college
- Entertain with adults after cooking and wine classes
- Learn to fly fish
- Belly dance and perform
- Spend time alone with a camera and nature
- Get fit and eat well
- Join the arts
- Take a neighborhood class, so I don’t have to spend time in the car
- Spend time with my nieces and nephews
- Nap outside in a hammock with a sexy novel
- Give myself time to discover what is next
- Be a dog walker

Well, the list continues to grow, as does the support. We just have more fun talking and reaching together. Change takes time and patience. I remember one mother called me chocked up and didn’t call again for a private consultation until, as she said and I think we can all relate, “ I am sick of hearing myself worry and feel left out of life. He is making new paths and I am still hiding at home. I am stuck.” I asked her if I could share that and I thanked her for being so vulnerable and brave. Change seems to be easier when we have had some practice in having to change.

Dream lists are fun if you keep the critic and pusher off the paper. “Well, you will never do that. So, go do it. Stop complaining and go.”

There is a reason for the empty space. It is neither punishment nor weakness. It is suppose to be open and unfilled. You have been filled for seventeen years.

I know it is trite to say to enjoy every moment of commencement, but we need the reminder to have fun. Don’t be the care-taker during these milestones. It is a time for you to be proud and nostalgic. You laid the foundation so they can step on up and make choices. So kick up your heels and do the happy parent dance.

Congratulations to you all!
Hope to hear from you.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
California time

For Mother’s Day Celebration how about we add comments to the above opening line?

It can be what was easy, what surprised you, what you miss, what you want back, what you are glad is over, what you still love, what challenges you with your adult children, or anything you feel like sharing.

You can add more than one time.
You can comment anonymously or not.

Maybe we will do this until May 12, the day after Mother’s Day.

Let’s just have fun with sharing whatever comes to mind.

I will start:
I can’t believe I told my daughter when she was 11 and wanted to shave her legs for the first time, “OK, but don’t talk on the phone and shave at the same time.”

I can’t believe, after 23 years, I still love watching my daughter…just watching her, looking at her.

Being a mom has been the best teacher of my life and that surprised me. For some, their best teacher has been other relationships, or illness, etc., but hands down, being her mom has taught me about my warts and my pearls.

Being a mom, I don’t miss car pooling, or sitting outside during the freezing days of soccer seasons.

Natalie

The fear of their children leaving spins parents into worry about safety, friendships, money, happiness, inclusion, loneliness, but mostly, into the reality that the role parents love living is coming to a drastic change. The grieving journey and opening to new parts of self begins for all parents, but uniquely for each.

Parents are entering the unknown without a timeline of relief and their children are leaping into more independence without the safety of their parents in the next room.

This time of year, more and more children are getting rejection letters from the colleges they wanted. I love the idea that some high schools are allowing them to bravely post the rejection letters at school in order to belong to a group that shows all of them are dealing with the embarrassment, as they call it, and the reality that college is more competitive now. That it is, “normal” to get a rejection letter, which for some, is the first time they have ever experienced that feeling.

Both parents and their children want to feel “normal” and have a place to vent and be inspired.

Change is a paradox of hopeful new beginnings and a range of challenging losses.

We all get surprised when we hear other parents are being yelled at by their children due to fears or at the last minute, children call saying they aren’t coming home. They want to be with their friends. Feels like rejection and rudeness, but is actually so normal…..not that normal means you don’t get to have your feelings nor do you not get to talk about it.

What have you been experiencing these days with changes? Post your comments and add to the community of empty nesters who appreciate not being alone on the journey of changes

Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com

I hope spring is in the air and with it seeds of new ways of being. Parents have been calling and asking about tips for graduation and crying that it is almost here... change. Most of them have said they are so busy that tears still fall with the last events of school days, but they want to make graduation day fun. Oh the art of enjoying and being present, packed with Kleenex.

So, I thought we would share here what helped in the celebration and the falling of tears. I think a reminder is....this is their day so ask what ideas they have and offer ones you have been thinking about. Everyone is so busy and emotional for good reason that the ones, who can offer suggestions, have a chance to take that lead.

One of my favorite high school graduation things was to put things in every room that were part of my daughter's life...soccer uniform, red and white skirt that she had to wear everyday in pre school, art she made, photos, letter to the tooth fairy begging her to leave something but not take her tooth, framed collage saying from here to there with photos at different ages of her life and with the people she loves. I had pamphlets and photos of the college she was heading towards so people had an image of her new life.

College graduation, I didn't ask her, but took a risk that it would be ok if I gave everyone from the family her favorite song on a CD and played it at the restaurant, since the restaurant is a place she worked and they loved surprising her. It was called. “HEAVENLY DAY” by Patty Griffin. I still cry seeing all of us at the dinner table, looking at her in her fresh white sleeveless dress, long brown hair, warm smile, and hearing the song.

I also had two wish bowls on the table and paper and pens for people to write a wish and roll it up and toss it in the bowl...they were funny and sentimental as she read them out loud and we tried to guess who wrote them. I gave each person who came to her celebration a hanky for graduation day.

Photos were taken all weekend with throw away cameras and quickly developed so I could pass them around at our last gathering on campus and then save them for her. I even gave cameras to the little ones and they loved seeing the photos they took and then gave to my daughter.

Parents over this spring break plan to have the graduation celebration planning talk, but realize their children just might not know what they want right now. So here's to planning and helping everyone on the way to a milestone of pride and change.

Lots more to say later about caring for yourself during the celebration, but for sure, crying will happen and choosing to enjoy all of it rather than care taking or worry, will make this joyous moment full.

Feel the pride and excitement of their hopeful future. Believe in them and smile big that you carried love for them all through their growing life and from that, they are blooming.

Natalie