Empty Nest Support Services
Now What Do I Do To Start Over
Hello empty nesters,
I raised three kids, good times and suffering times. I am ready for me time and still I cry for all that has ended. It is normal, I know, but I just can't do this part alone. I parented them and now I want to be parented. I can't believe I just wrote that.
I just mean I am tired. I want guidance and a cheer leader for me. I will get over being tired, but I really know I need suggestions and caring to travel this emptiness of no kids at home and the wonderment of my new role with them. I get needy to hear from them. I want them to be independent and happy and still include me in what's up for them. I am trying not to lead them and that is when I realized I am the one who wants to be led.
I am done with my career of teaching. I am an extrovert and leader. I just want someone to take the lead right now. Thank goodness it is sunny and I can be outside.
I am going on a vacation in August. I know how to have fun and friendships, but I want a new direction that adds to life. I don't regret my wonderful family with my kids and devotion to them. I don't even think I could have done anything differently to avoid this sadness. It is normal. My fear is missing out on something that I can't see and losing that great school community where we were all in a similar stage of life...being parents. Now what without that community from school performances, sports, auctions, sleepovers, parent meetings, year to year graduation parties, well the list is long of what is over and the question is what is next.
Please share with me as I will with you.
Strong and sad at the same time,
Sara
Amen Amen, this is so hard I don't even know how to put ito words, you said it all their is not much I can add, I just want to know when will it get better?
Elwanda
The important thing to remember is that what we are feeling is normal. The part that has been hardest for me is that I am an only child and have no parents or family to turn to. My parents passed away along time ago and my one and only son will be leaving the nest next June. I know that it is a year away, but as his Senior year approaches it seems harder and harder not to tear up all the time. I'm constantly wiping my eyes. I have to believe that time will heal this wound too.
I feel for your situation- I am in the same predicament- I have retired from teaching and loved my life then- I took it all for granted- I raised my children to have a passion for life- Now they are married and moved away. I have to stay here in my home with reminders of days gone by. I am struggling to think about my needs- but I don't know what to do about feeling sadness. Good luck and keep traveling- open up new horizons for yourself- I am trying too.
WOW - thank God there are women out there like me - if I cry one more time - if I hurt one more time - if I die inside one more time. My kids were my life - my husband and I are still together and he is a blessing to deal with my ups and downs - Am I crazy - I see what my mother went through - I sometimes feel I am living her life. She passed in April and now my 19 year old wonderful daughter is looking to leave she want to go into the military - my God she is never home - she's finding her direction - work school friends - the house is still and I feel like I have no purpose WOW.
I seemed to have lost myself or maybe I was always there just don't recongnize me. Older - heavier - Wiser? Thanks for listening - What now?
Everything I just read here applies to me. I have cried for two weeks. My daughter graduated two weeks ago and will leave home for college in NYC. She is the last of three. I have been a mom for 26 years. I am a professional, but retired from my office job and have a small firm operating out of my mom. I also my elderly, infirmed mother in with me in August.
I am ready for my daughter to leave. I want her to have a great college experience. I am so excited for her.
But you touched it. I want someone to realize that I am still here. I need some tenderness. I feel lonely. I am proud of the children I have raised. I am married and love my husband, but I basically raised our children. I want someone to reach out to me - to understand that I hurt from my loneliness, from feeling unimportant and unneeded.
I know that I have to find something to get involved in. I will after we drop her off, but in the mean time I may need this site to get me through.
What a fluke! I went on a site called cafe Mom where Moms get together and chat. I didn't see anything about Moms that are ..Well not really "Moms" anymore. That is my problem! I found empty nest support services and WOW!! I feel like I have instantly found friends, or at least people I have something in common with. I am not alone. At least that is a start. The ironic thing is that the more you were dedicated to the wonderful experience of Momhood, I think the tougher this transition is. I am happy to be here and hope I learn from all of you as well as provide support in any way I can!
I know just what everyone is going through - I was married - had a daughter of my own - then got custody of my husbands two boys - I had three teenagers from 12 on! They have all graduated and during the youngest boys senior year, my husband and I broke up (three teens and an ex-wife will put a strain on your marriage!) Anyway - now I have my own home - no one to care for and no one to care for me! I dont know what to do with myself. I did, and I do recommend this to everyone.......get a dog! There is someone there when you get home from work or wherever that is just so happy to see you and they need you! You can talk to them and they listen and they never, ever judge you! That's my best advice - a dog will get me through this part of my life until the grandchildren arrive (and God I hope they do!)
Hang in there ladies and try to enjoy your free time before we are needed once again to babysit!
I too am very sad. I really want my children to be happy and independent, but I still want to be part of it all. I still want to hear all the details, I still want to be consulted. I still want someone to ask what I think. And as if it was not bad enough to no longer feel needed being older is tough. That really adds to the distress. The feeling of being pushed aside. We have truely moved into the back ground. My son left for college last fall (08) and now my last one, my daughter is leaving this fall (09). My sister also died in 08. Too many life changing events it too short a time.
How did raising 3 kids all by myself go by so fast and why didn't I realize at the time that this was the best time of my life. I am so very sad and lonely now and so agree with everything everyone else is saying. I have been divorced for a very long time and decided to give my life to my kids instead of to a man...and maybe that wasn't the right thing to do...as now I am so alone and so isolated socially. I have girlfriends and I have dogs but in the end it is a male companion that I need to be emotionally and physically intimate with and have someone for once in my life take care of me just once in a while.
I would really love to get a support group going...does anyone live in the South Bay area of Los Angeles?
I agree with you totally. I was sad for so many days after the kids moved out. They are married and I am still feeling sadness. Maybe because I was a supermom and I was so dedicated to them. I was so involved in their lives. When they left they never looked back. My hubby hardly noticed they left. He is NEVER HOME now. While I was so busy with the kids- he took full advantage and now has so many hobbies. I have lost some friends who moved away so I am even more depressed and desperate for attention. (It is the opposite for my hubby who has so many chums that he can golf with or play pool etc.) I need to start changing my priorities. I don't get excited about keeping my home beautiful and neat anymore.(The kids hardly visit - I have to travel to see them) I guess I could use some therapy- I need to find new meaning in my life- I can't seem to read or paint or find a hobby. I must be unable to concentrate for some reason- maybe I should get off the pity pot-for starts- GOOD LUCK- hope everyone is doing better than me.
It is not just because we dedicated our lives to being mothers! I had plenty of other interests and didn't even have children until I was 34. It is simply because they are people we love in a way that is like no other love. Then they are gone and we must grieve but we are not really allowed to...at least not so anyone except other moms can hear. When they are children we tell them they can tell us anything...all their problems but when they are adults we cannot share our problems with them and we should be able to. Maturity means being responsible as well as independent. I think our society punishes mothers for grieving if they don't do it in some dark corner. When I studied anthropology, I learned about all the rules regarding grown children and their responsibilities to their elders. We have no such expectations. We are adrift and women are made to believe it is about their own insecurities rather than the lack of support in our modern culture. We have no one to talk to but each other. Even many husbands are not open to hearing about a mother's grief. It is seen as weakness. The media has made it worse.
Wow, I can't sleep and you sound just like I feel too. i raised my three children on my own. I gave up my life and moved back with my mom. Then I took care of my mom, worked, etc, etc, and now the last child moved out, my mom died and I bought her home, and lost everything I worked for and my kids don't even call. I am so lost. My baby daughter just moved out 6/1 and I know she needs to fly way but really, don't you think our kids could care a little more. I'm gonna lose my home, in foreclosure, and it means nothing to them. i am so lost. I am so sad. I am so afraid. It's not that I want them to take care of me, but it would be nice if they showed alittle
concern. I hope that you are doing better. Would like to talk again lanelois76grace@sbcgobal.net
One more comment Live in Chicago but thinking about moving to warmer climate. Anyone interested in starting over like the golden girls or home sharing, let's live alittle lanelois76grace@sbcgobal.net
I reared 6 children and we went through a lot of good times and hard times, but this is so hard! My children were my life. Even when i had my own business and traveled, i always came home to them, the drama, the needs, the "home" I made for us. I moved away from my home town where most of the kids are now, with lives of their own, thinking it would be "my turn". Now I don't know how to meet people- never had to before with so many kids around! I feel so lost and even a little crazy. I was never lonely before-even though i haavr been single for a long time. I love my grandchildren..but I have no life of my own apart from them really.
Hi all,
I so feel your pain and loss as I too have launched two sons to their journeys, soon after divorced and subsequently sold the family home. I did keep the dog, however..what a joy and salvation.
My question...What is the up side of this Empty Nest Syndrome? What's good about it? What's funny about it? I know we can answer these questions.
Remember just dying to have the house to yourself?
Remember a bath without someone knocking on the door?
Remember craving time to do.....(fill in the blank)
Help me think of somethings....it feels better.
Maggie- I agree too- with your comment that society never considers a mother's grief of losing her children- and then the children are clueless as to what to do to help or give emotional support for Mom. I think this will only get worse in our society because young people are more self-absorbed than ever. They have their own support networks using technology every minute of the day. If I could twitter them (my own kids )maybe they would respond more to me. Don't you think that in their eyes it's just not "cool" to be that communicative with your mother. We are pushed way down on their list of priorities. I don't want you to think I'm bitter- just facing reality. SA
I think you have hit upon something REALLY important here. The expectation of parenthood in the West is a complete one way street. Parents provide for the needs of the children. The Eastern model is so much better. Children return the obligation when they are adult. The grief and feelings of redundancy, uselessness and not being of much consequence to those we love so much are devastating and seem to make for a purposeless life. SO relieved to find this site and so many similar experiences. It must be a huge silent syndrome.
I need help.
All of the above comments precisely capture my feelings. I'm suffering, and searching for support as my daughter prepares to leave for college across the country in three weeks. I'm additionally depressed because my family is frustrated by my withdrawn sadness. I want to know if any of you have turned to anti-depressants, and I want to know how long I'm going to suffer.
Jennifer, I read about your sadness and understand your pain- but be careful when thinking an anti-depressant might work for you. I went on some medication and then I stopped as soon as I could. I think if you are going through peri-menopause your sadness is compounded by erratic hormonal surges. Check with a doctor and get a test to see if you are more depressed that you should be at this stage in your life- due to other conditions such as peri-menopause. Any kind of drug can mask your feelings- then later you still have to face a life style change- I wish you luck- So many women are going through this grief.
I'm sitting here at work, on the verge of tears. My son left yesterday for a girl and job 1500 miles away. He was the last person you'd think would do that. He has a very large circle of friends in our hometown, and commuted to college because he never wanted to move away. My younger one suffers from depression. He bought a place not to far away and is scheduled to move out this month. He is relapsing now. My elderly mom is starting to show signs of dementia. All I do is cry and want things the way they were. I came to these boards, but sometimes I find that there's a long time between posts. I feel so needy. Thanks for listening.
Janet- So sorry to hear how awful your situation is right now. I can identify on some level. You are in a position to still be a care giver for a parent and a son who is fragile - hope everything works out for you. I know how you may feel that this is not what you planned. I feel that way too- I am battling my feelings of loneliness all the time. My husband has cancer and my children both moved far away. They are so busy in their lives they can't travel often to see us. My husband is doing well for the most part- he is really in a remission-but I worry about the mental part- he gets (mildly) depressed and then I have to cheer him up- it is so hard to live a "normal" life at times and also get over the empty nest . I have wished for a return to my life before my husbands diagnosis- and also I long for my kids to want to come home- sometimes I feel like a big cry- baby- I can't nag my kids to come home! I want to return to my former life too- take care and good luck!
I hope you are doing better since you posted on Empty Nest. My only child will be leaving for college next year. I have been a single parent for 16 years, and my son and I have had a great life together. I've been preparing for him to leave since junior high (it seems). I know myself, and I knew that I had to be prepared so I wouldn't fall apart. I have not dated and am fine with that. I like my independence and am *trying* to look forward to having my home to myself. I know that it will be a new phase in my life and that I can never go back to what it was, but that's life, right? I'm so grateful that my son gets to have his adventure. So, I've been planning my new adventure so I don't get left behind (in my mind). For years I've planned to get involved with CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate). Have you considered volunteering?
You are right about geting a dog. I have two. My son is leaving home for the fith time and it still hurts as bad as the first.
Hi Nancy, I read what you wrote and can definatly relate.I hope things have gotten better for you since the post I just read was some time ago.
Thank you all for this site & blog. I had my children young and I never explored the world .. They were my world for so long that I am blusting out of the parental role..My women in my comuninity act like they are ready to be grandparents or just bitter..I want to live a life I had to give up when I became a single mom & widow. My problem is how to begin....I try to find outlets in my city but all cater to a young family or the old. Never for the single woman....I miss my kids at times but to free the yolk of servatude I just want to find "ME" again.
I have depression about my daughter leaving .cry all the time