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Two Months Until The Empty Nest

My son just graduated high school and we just cried...then danced.

My whole family is excited about his going to college. I have been busy with check lists and tears of the things coming to end at his high school.

I feel older. I mean really older and I wasn't expecting that. I don't feel old on the inside, but I do on my driver's license and my waistline. It's ok and it's now.

His empty room in August begins a shift in my daily schedule and evening meals. I could list what I look forward to but it is so trite.

What I don't like is that I have no young boy at home who lifts the house with just who he is and friends. A quiet house, my husband and I need to fill. No one can fill the mothering I loved with it's simple days of homework, school games, BBQ's, splashing with his floppy fins, birthday parties in October with pumpkins, bed time stories, shopping for a sports jacket and converse shoes.

I am not embarrassed with this melancholy. I am afraid of missing him and not being able to do anything about that missing.
Sure we had our fights, but when the time is nearing that he is leaving, I am not latching onto those memories. Yes, I hate the clean up and late driving car pool from his parties and the arguments about lights, and noise, and empty juice cartons in the refrig and not taking out the trash.

I hate all the rushing around and my, more than not, feeling tired. I work, but that isn't really where the tired comes from. I do look forward to free time, but will it really feel free or will I be missing him too much to enjoy? Have I been too filled with his life? Is it a normal filling when you love your kids?

Will I know what I want to do besides for sleep more, cook less, clean less, workout more, have my friends over for adult dinners and go to concerts with my husband, travel? You know all the things you think you will do if you only had free time and oh more money.

I don't know. I just am sad today and last week and probably next week because my little boy is going on without mommy driving him or picking him up. I am sad today that I won't hear him playing the guitar, hand me the ranch salad dressing at our kitchen table or peek in his poster room and see him sleeping.

I won't see him out my window for a long time. When I do see him, will he look different and be different? I know he will be back, but the whole family will be different. We all have to go with the changes. I don't do very well with change.

Thanks for listening,
Carly